I can't believe I ate the whole thing...

Well, not the whole thing, but enough to make me sick.  I am allergic to dairy products, but since the reaction isn't great enough to kill me or make me welt up, I still eat it on occasion.  Like on Holidays.  Like all day Tuesday and Wednesday.  Like I'm sick right now.   I'm starting to wonder if it was worth it to binge on a cheese ball...oh my tummy! Do you know the Pepto Dance?  I sure do!

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas to all you bloggers that are still checking your blog sites in between present opening and chowing!

Thank you to those that left messages after my previous post.  Your comments were greatly appreciated.  Although I did get my butt up at 4:30 am on Saturday, I was unable to get the stand-by flight back home.  I still had to wait until 10 am, but that was ok too.  It was the easiest flight I have had in a long time and we arrived early.  I managed to beat my folks to my house by 15 minutes. 

On Sunday my Dad installed shelves in my hall close and all three bedrooms.  Most of the closets in my house have either one or no shelves at all.  Now, they all have two!  Thanks, Dad!

Yesterday my sister, bro-in-law and niece came over and we all opened gifts together.  I had to do Christmas-Lite again this year, but we still had a lot of fun together.  I got a lot of great gifts this year...including two Adoption Mama shirts from my sister.  I will try to post photos soon!  My bro-in-law surprised me with a "Baby on Board" sign for my car and a fleece blanket for baby.  Awww.  Sarah said he went out shopping all by himself and got that for me.  I felt really bad for only getting him a shirt.  Another favorite gift was the Megellan GPS that my dad bought me.  Holy Cow!  I should not be able to get lost anywhere in the lower 48 states.  This thing is awesome!  Kristen, I already programmed your address into it!  The next time I go to Dallas I'm definitely taking this with me.  I have the worst sense of direction.  Technically, my dad is worse than me, but he certainly passed it on to me!  My mom always gets frustrated with us because she can't figure out why we can't figure out how to get anywhere.  I definitely believe that a sense of direction is a genetic trait. 

Anyway, I'm going to leave you with a couple of "Christmas" photos I found on-line...some people have no sense at all.

I call this one the Christmas Whore.  If you haven't already read David Sedaris' book Christmas on Ice, I highly recommend you buy it on the 1/2 sale tomorrow.  Dinah, the Christmas Whore has to be the best story title I've ever heard of. 

  This one defies explanation.  I think Rudolph isn't able to get the lift he's used to and is not using a blown air propeller?

And my personal favorite, nothing says XXXmas without a little BDSM.  And to think I asked for luggage for Christmas!

All you who sleep tonight...

All you who sleep tonight

Far from the ones you love,

No hand to left or right

and emptiness above--

Know that you aren't alone,

the whole word shares your tears.

Some for two nights or one

and some for all their years.

~Vikram Seth~

I live alone. Being alone has long been apart of me, even from childhood. I sleep alone, I eat most of my meals alone. I spend a lot of time alone.

Normally I am fine with this, but there is something about traveling alone and somehow being alone in a group...it makes me ponder my alone status. There are eleven people in my training group and everyone traveled with at least one other colleague. Somehow even the lesbian with really poor social skills managed to find another lesbian in this hotel to hang out with this week. And considering that lesbianism is not really a club that many of the locals join that's saying something. I did spend Wednesday evening hanging out with the ladies from Virginia, but I couldn't really join in their conversations and I don't particular enjoy shopping for hours on end so that was still an isolating experience. Even this didn't bother me.

Last night I decided to visit a Mexican restaurant here that I really enjoy for the architecture and ambience. Because I was alone I was seated quickly, but instead of getting to sit in the center near the fountain, I got stuck next to an obnoxiously large party groups. This didn't bother me. It wasn't until I was standing outside the restaurant waiting for the shuttle in the cold that I was acutely aware of how alone I was. And again tonight as I walked through the empty hotel and down the street to get some food. I realized that I wasn't accountable to anyone for my actions...and in a sense this was scary. As I raced to cross the street before the cars mowed me down or dodging cars in the Target parking lot I was acutely aware of being alone. In a sense it is very empowering. I have wandered the streets of several continents alone and I had that same sense...feeling deeply within my self, but also slightly sad because I couldn't share it with anyone.

I'm hoping to get on stand-by for an earlier flight in the morning. I really need to be around people. Especially people that love me. And when I ponder my feelings, I can't help but think of my daughter and I pray that she never feels this way. I realize that she has likely not been born yet, but I pray that she and her birth mother are loved and know how much I am loving them from afar. I hope, as Vikra Seth so eloquently wrote, "know that you are not alone, that the whole world shares your tears."

Scary Texas

I finally had a chance to wander past the two block area I've been in the last 2 days and here are a couple of things that really freak me out:

• I have a possessed TV. My first night I was here I was lying in bed just drifting off to sleep and suddenly the TV comes on. Not only does the TV come on, after a minute it starts flipping through the channels. I thought it would eventually stop, but it didn't. I finally had to get up and turn it off again. This morning as I was talking to my mom on the phone, the bedside radio alarm that I thought I had turned off, came on. Only it wasn't the radio playing, it was the TV again. Weird. The alarm worked fine yesterday morning.
• The highways are seriously messed up (no offense to those of you that live here because I'm sure our IN roads are probably freaky to you too). Highways dart across each other, zigzagging across the flat expanse of land. If that doesn't groove you, the lack of road signs or the MINIATURE size them is making this near-sighted girl go batty. They say everything in Texas is big, and for the most part I agree, but these road signs...c'mon.
• THE TOILETS. As an IBS sufferer, I am intimately familiar with just about every toilet in my vicinity. These make me jump a bit and I have started flinching before I even touch the handle. When you begin to push the handle, it drops violently sudden which throws off my center of balance, pushing me forward. If having your face thrust toward the toilet bowel isn't scary enough, the vortex of Hell opens up and VIOLENTLY sucks the bowl contents into the abyss. I thought it was just at the training center, but I have seen it all over the region. This is enough to scare anyone sh**less, no wonder the highways are like they are.
• I read today that Britney Spear's sister, 16 year-old Jamie Lynn, is preggo. Wow. Evidently she met the father of the baby at church. I attended a church like that once...maybe they add something to the water?

Kris just emailed to tell me that the CCAA has updated their website and the parent's with LIDs before October 31, 2006 have gotten through the review room. Yeah! Congrats to all those parents...just 4 more months and I will be through too!

Brought to you by the Letter J...as in Janet

I think my mom is trying to get me Seasame Street ready because she brought the letter 'J' into my focus this morning. I'm sorry if that's a bit unclear, but I'm sure my mom knows what I'm referring to.

I have managed to sit through the first half of today's class and I'm still holding on. However, they just served lasagna and breadsticks so I am predicting I'll be close to sleep-time by 1:23 central time. The class starts at 1 pm so say a prayer...

Ok, I think I'm going to opt for some bullet points...

• I had a good day in class today and I am officially a builder now. I know that really doesn't matter much to any of you at all, but it's good to know my skills set has finally increased. Not only that, I didn't struggle through the class near as much as the last time. It is probably a bad sign, though, that we covered half the book the first day of class and we still have 3 more days. Hmmm?
• I made a new friend today. I was at Babys R Us picking out some clothes for my niece (Sarah, don't read any further if you don't want to know what I got Saige) and while I was on the phone talking to Kris about all the cute clothes at the store, the woman in front of me overheard a bit of the conversation and I learned she is also adopting from China! Wow, what a small world. She has been waiting for 22 months so I certainly hope things speed up so that it doesn't go past 2 years for her. Ok, that's totally being optomistic, but I'm feeling perky tonight.
• I finally got my laptop to work last night...yay! Of course, it took until nearly 1 am for that to happen.
• I'm sitting here feeling tired and not knowing why...duh, it's almost midnight my time.
• The weather here is awesome! It was about 70 degrees, bright and sunny. It's terribly dry though and it didn't help that I came here with chapped skin. Does anybody have any suggestions on how to un-chap my skin? My poor legs are cracked and painful.
• Ok, Sarah, if you are still reading I can only assume that you want to know what I bought Saige. Tough. I'm not going to tell you. You will have to wait until Christmas like everyone else.

Everything truly is bigger in Texas...just ask my expanding Buddha Belly.

Random musings from the plane of life...

I have spent the better part of the day in an airport or an air-plane so here are my random thoughts:

• Why does it take only 10-15 minutes to board an entire plane and take off, but it takes the same plane load of people 30+ minutes to get off and another 30+ to find their luggage?
• Each airplane window has two panes of glass. Since these are sealed how can they have settled dust in between them? This kept me awake and worrying today. Well, not really worrying, but too bored to thing about anything else.
• Why must I always sit by someone that doesn't use deoderant and desperately needs it? Today it was a young woman...very pretty with nice clothes. Shouldn't she want to keep them fresh smelling?
• How is it that I keep seeing the same gentleman at the Indy airport? Seriously, he's hard to miss. Very tall, large girth with big wooly black hair and beard. Very Eastern-European looking. Is this the guy that Tom Hanks was pretending to be in the Terminal?
• Why is it that when I looked up Tom Hanks on Amazon.com (because I couldn't remember the movie he was in) multiple episodes of Gunsmoke, Charlie Rose, and the movie Heat came up?
• Why do I feel more relaxed now that I am away from home than I have the past 2 weeks?
• Why does my freakin' work-owned laptop not work when I am in this hotel????

Cheers from Sunny Dallas!

Erica

PS--Happy Birthday Michael!

**Addendum**

Have you all seen this video http://www.bestviral.com/video/6629/dont_ever_drink_from_hotel_glasses

Yeah, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy about staying in hotels. Fortunately, I've always been a nut about rinsing cups before I use them...even ones I use at home. But just in case, I stole a plastic cup from the dining area.

PS--I have cable TV...yeah! I'm going to stay up all night watching crap TV. Another perk of traveling on someone else's dime...

And people wonder why I have remained single?

And the time is....11:20 AM

Yep, I finally saw my first snow plow on my street for a storm that began yesterday morning before the sun came up.  It has long been the position of the local road authorities to only clear the roads after the snow has finished falling.  I can understand that it would be cheaper to only send out your employees when the storm is over, but does it really help those idiots (me included) who are driving out there? Generally they don't plow my neighborhood at all since we are ~500 feet outside city limits.  Maybe someone was in the Christmas spirit?

Based on the weather conditions this morning I opted to skip church.  I love church.  I look forward to it all week long which I can't say has been the case at other churches I have attended.  However, some time at home to relax will be good for me after the chaotic weeks I've had recently.  So here is my grand plan for today:  make meat loaf, wash my sheets and every other piece of cotton that isn't upholstered or stuck to furniture, make Christmas cookies.  Sounds like a good plan, eh? 

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

I woke up this morning at 8ish and we already had 3 inches of the white stuff on the ground. Woo-hoo! Definitely a lazy day, although I did venture out for a little bit this afternoon. I ordered a book at the library to take with me next week on my trip to Dallas. I'm really nervous about the travels this time. I ordered a shuttle when I finally arrive in Dallas so I shouldn't have to relive the horrible blind cabbie incident. Since we are under a winter storm advisory until tomorrow afternoon, I'm also concerned about the weather.

I think I have finally had a chance to pay something forward. As you may recall I lost my job this summer. It was another adoptive parent that helped me get the job I currently have and I have felt indebted to her since then. She didn't know me and she certainly didn't have to help me at all, but I know it was her influence that got me hired. The company really wanted to hire from the inside, and I was the first outsider they had ever hired in the department. Well, a colleague of mine that I really enjoyed working with at Select also applied for a job at the same company in a different department at the same time I did. Did you get all that...that sentence was tricky. Like me, she was told the position was filled. She let it go, as I had, and began working a horrible job that keeps her away from her family most of the time. She is miserable and having done the same job in the past, I can certainly sympathize. I knew for a fact that they never hired anyone in the department that she applied for and some of the people in that department are actually trying to get me to switch to their department! They are that busy and desperate for help so I knew there was NO WAY they hired anyone. Sounds familiar, right?

Well, right before Thanksgiving some of the people in this department were asking what happened to Kara because she was really well liked. I told them the saga about her trying to get hired to their department, but having no luck. Evidently, HR never told the department director that there was an applicant. As soon as I heard that I called Kara to see if she was still interested in that job, she was, and I have been advocating for her since then. Yesterday she interviewed with HR and the department director and yesterday afternoon they called me to check her references! I think she has a job!!! I am so excited and happy for her and I also feel relieved that I have been able to help out someone the way that I was helped. I have felt this deep debt of gratitude since Kathy helped me get my job and in a sense it has weighed over my head. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. It's like someone giving you a glass of water when you are terribly thirsty and being able to pass that glass of cold water to the next person that needed it. The job will be challenging and stressful, but I think it will be a better environment for her and I will finally have the chance to work with her again. I'm very excited about that!

Good luck, Kara!!!!!

T-I-R-E-D

As a kid I only knew three speeds: stop, go, go faster.  I'm not sure when it changed, but I'm certainly not a kid anymore!  I have been dreading this week for a long time and I have been praying for Friday ALL WEEK.  I really hate wishing my week away, but this one kicked my butt.  Not only am I tired, but getting older also asserts other problems.  Now when I get this dog tired, it makes me feel almost sick.  When I got home from work today I crashed on the couch and slept for a couple of hours.  I woke up with a funny feeling head.  This weekend should be restful because aside from some stuff tomorrow morning, I have no plans.  I'm assured of having a quiet weekend because we are expecting a hellacious winter storm with snow (at least 2-5 inches, but that will likely change), sleet and ice.  Fun!

Lest I forget once again....my 10 month LIDversery was this week!  Yeah, on Wednesday I celebrate another month bringing me to 10 months of official waiting.  Every month that passes makes me feel somewhat calmer.  I suppose the knowledge that I am one month closer helps me to pass the time.  I actually forgot on the day of my LIDversery until Kris reminded me.  Thanks Kris!  I was afraid that working night shift would throw off my schedule and it certainly has. 

The misspellings of the previous post should have indicated to you just how tired I was. I'm glad that's over. It was boring for the greater part of the night, but by 5 am it started getting busy and by 6 am I was really hopping and my phone kept going off non-stop. The War Room (yeah, that's what we called the command center) was really busy and really noisy. I had the help desk on the phone constantly running reports for me. When someone at 7:30 finally asked if they could have my phone, it was all I could do to not throw it at them and say "you touched it last! It's yours now." I got home by 7:50 and was asleep by 8:15 am. Ahhhh. My bed is the comfiest place on earth. I woke up the first time around 12:45 and managed to sleep another hour before waking up. Night shift is hard. It's been over 8 years since I worked nights and I had to live, breathe, and sleep a grave-yard shift. Now, I am expected to return to work in the morning. I think I'll be dragging in a little bit late...

Still Awakern

Yep, I'm amazed too. I'm still awake and I have 5 more hours to go before I can go home. Talk about a long night. I just downed some chicken strips and mashed potatoes (yum) and now it is going to be challenging to stay awake. Oh, and I haven't had any caffeine yet.

Cheers!

And do NOT call me until at least 3:30 pm. I'm turning off my phones just to help any of you that might want to chat.

Pulling an all nighter

When have I ever had a difficult time staying up late?  Well, apparently tonight.  For the last two weeks I've had trouble going to bed at night, and now, when I need to stay up late, I can't.  I even took a 2 hour nap this afternoon and I'm still dragging.  For those that might be wondering why I would do this to myself, I have to work tomorrow night from 8 pm to 8 am Tuesday.  I actually volunteered because I figured it would be the easy shift and I can hang out with my good buddies and joke and snack all night.  Plus, there is the night shift differential and that always counts for something.  I don't think we will have much to do after we tell the users to log off at midnight and 2 am.  They go to the back up system which is paper.  As an applications analyst, there really isn't anything for me to do at that point. 

The only truly sucky thing about this is that I have to go in from noon to 4 pm tomorrow for meetings.  I guess it is good or I wouldn't get all my hours, but I am so worried about falling asleep on my shift.  Would that be such a bad thing?  It's not as if any lives, or any computers are at stake, but this facility is such an old school, conservative group that it would be a bad idea, I'm sure.  Say a prayer that I make it through tomorrow night and that I am able to revert back to a day schedule!  The last time I did this (can anyone say Hong Kong?) I was messed up for weeks, and it's not the jet lag that does it to me.  It's staying up too late and getting my cycle confused.  Well, I guess that sort of is jet lag. 

Baby, baby (time)

Ahhh, I got some much needed baby time. Do you ever have those days where you wonder if you'll be good with kids, especially your own? Or do you fear they will start crying when they see you? No? Ok, I guess it is just me. I think every woman wants to think she is good with kids, but how do you know until you are face-to-face with your child? I guess it is always good to practice, which is what I did today. I have befriended a Korean woman that comes to church each week with her now one year-old son (just about the cutest little guy I have ever seen, but he really makes me work to get a smile!).

She invited me over for a lunch of Korean after church, and aside from the kimchi, I really can't remember the name of the other food we ate, but it was good! Her kimchi really redeemed itself because I have been anti-kimchi since having some overly fermented ick a few years ago. Not really a fan of anything fermented to begin with, but once it starts going to south, look out! Anyway, the food was delish and I plan on having the two of them over after the New Year.

Besides the food and getting to know Yoon Jung, her son was the best part of the day. I had him laughing and smiling and he would just stand and tug on my shirt or pants while I sat at the table until I gave him grapes. Yeah, he felt so comfortable around me he started spitting the grape skins into my hand. And it didn't even bother me. Who says I'm not ready for motherhood?

I told her of my plans to adopt (might as well, everyone else at church knows) and she responded with the typical Asian response--no, you should really reconsider. She had trouble with fertility and she thought of adoption, but in Korea (and in most Asian cultures that I've encountered) they are very anti-adoption. Blood is very important to them. She told me I should wait for a husband...that sounds familiar and that I should enjoy being single and being free. I think she also thought I was much younger than I am and once I explained why I was adopting she did concede that I was good with kids and her hard to please son seemed to like me.

It's always good to get to know new people and new cultures. Unfortunately, she will not live her long and quite possibly won't be living here when I go to China. She did say that when I go to China, I should stop by S. Korea and spend time with her. Hmmm....I wonder what MayLing would think?

Be like me?

I spent my morning with 8 five and six year-old girls and 1 twelve year-old.  A colleague that I met through our local FCC chapter (and who later was very influential in getting me a job) was celebrating her daughter's 6 year birthday with a Build-A-Bear Birthday Bash.  Yep, it's a mouth full. 

Her daughter attends a Montessori school and there is evidently quite a mix of students that attend.  Her friends were very diverse, as were there parents.  Most of the moms hung around and helped their daughters (let's face it--9 kids is a lot of kids!). 

There was one little girl that didn't have a mother there and there was something about her that broke my heart as much as it made me realize that she was going to be ok.  She was very quiet, rather backward and didn't make much eye contact.  When the pack of girls went left, she went right.  When they all picked out matching Princess outfits for their bears, she picked out a Colts Cheerleading outfit.  She was the only girl that did that.  She didn't warm to me quickly, but she was warmer to me than the other moms.  I realized when I was spending time with her that she was me as a child.  I was very quiet and backward.  I was more comfortable with adults than kids and I always went my own way, even when it was painful.  My mom and I have had this conversation many times--will MayLing be like me as a kid or like me now?  Those that know me now always think I am joking when I tell them how quiet I was.  I would only laugh around people I was comfortable with, but around everyone else I withdrew into a shell.  Or, will MayLing be like me now?  Outgoing, never-met-a-stranger, easy going? 

I looked at little Kelsie and even though she was quiet and didn't want to hold hands with any of the other little girls, I knew she was going to be ok.  She would find her own way.  She didn't need the rest of us to direct her path--she was going to march to the beat of her inner drummer and now follow the music of the crowd. 

My host later told me that Kelsie's mom is very sick.  Her mom is Asian-Canadian (Korean perhaps?) and her dad is white American.  While visiting family in Canada this summer she became very ill and has been hospitalized since then.  Kelsie did mention to me towards the end of the party that her mom is sick and that she hopes to see her this Christmas.  My heart breaks for this girl and her family.  From personal experience I know how those early personal traumas really shape a personality.

Orphan Video--worth the 6 minutes of watching

Rough Day

I had a rough day at work.  I don't like surprises.  I really don't.  Unless the surprise involves chocolate, jewelry, or other pretty things, I don't want to know about it.  A co-worker called me today and asked if I had completed the flowsheet tool.  What???!!?  A few days ago she asked if I would do some research on flowsheet/time & motion and offer suggestions.  Evidently it had evolved from researching into developing a tool.  Something was definitely missing in the translation.  Oh, and it is due in 2 hours. 

Without any advice or suggestions I began putting together a beautiful tool using Visio and some downloaded ER flowsheets in another employee's saved network drive.  I got it done with 1/2 an hour to spare and emailed it to her for critique.  I waited...and waited...and waited.  No response so I went to the meeting and showed it to her there in front of the ED staff we were presenting to.  She said it wasn't what she wanted and proceeded to pull out her own version.  It's moments like that that really make me want to reverse my no-curse policy (it's only for the kid--otherwise I think I would still be cursing like a drunk nurse).  Just a side note, I learned to curse effectively after becoming a nurse.  It's amazing the things you learn on the job...

After that little episode the day got better.  I actually got to spend the afternoon in the ER and I wasn't even sick!  It was really fun to see the flow of things--it is truly amazing that they do such a good job considering the amount of new information and stimulus that is always coming in. 

Even after coming home I was still feeling a bit put out about my morning until I was reminded of what truly matters:

As morbid as it sounds, it really put things in perspective for me and I had a really good laugh. 

At work I've been writing my quote of the day up on the dry erase board and one then I posted earlier this week was this: Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Mama Bear

Evidently the Mama Bear instinct never leaves a woman. Check out the comment my mom left following the anonymous posters insult drive-by.

In other news the CCAA updated it's wbsite this week. Over the weekend they finally reviewed all dossiers logged in through September 30, 2006. This is a crucial step before going onto the matching rooms.

The CCAA also matched families with log in dates before December 14, 2005. In case you are new or confused about this, that's a long freakin' time to wait. In the year 2007 the CCAA was only able to get through 2 months worth of LIDs. So since I have started this journey we've gotten from Late October to Mid-December. I'd like to be optimistic for those that are waiting, and honestly I have made peace with the wait, but this month it feels like whoopy freakin' doo.

I wish I could get excited about it, but the honest truth is that the longer I wait, the more far away it seems. When I look to my future I imagine children and I see MayLing in it, but I think I have been waiting so long that it has begun to feel like a figment of my imagination. It's a big reason I don't tell people about the adoption. Today I met another FCC parent who just got her LID last week. She's very excited, but while we are talking (and I'm trying to talk in code so others around don't know that I am also expecting) someone listening in figures it out and congratulates me and wants to know all the details. I try to pass it off like it is nothing even though in my heart it is a very big thing! I told her that I have about 2-3 more years of waiting which is why I don't tell people about it...it's just too hard to have to answer that ever so wonderful question. She then told me that her daughter was adopted domestically 2 years ago. Wow! She's very excited for me and I can tell she wants to talk more about it, but I really didn't want it to be any more public that it already is. I can barely get through a Sunday at church without at least one more person asking about it. It's the same question every week, how much longer? Well, it's the exact same answer I gave you last week and the week before. Sarah is getting me a t-shirt for Christmas that alerts people that I am still adopting and NO I haven't heard anything. I think I will wear it every week to church until they get it. I don't mind talking about it with my close friends, but this is evidently the only thing acquaintances can think of to talk about. Believe me, I love to talk about MayLing, but I am tired of educating people on Chinese adoptions and why the children are abandoned (do they know how much it bothers me to discuss this? No one wants to think of their child as being abandoned and feeling cold, hungry and alone) and I am tired of answering the "when?" question. My new answer: Only God knows.

Sorry if my rant seems bitter or angry. I truly am not. I really am at peace. I believe God has a time for everything because I have seen his timing work in some pretty incredible ways. I guess I don't like constantly being reminded that the journey is often long and hard. I can't imagine someone repeatedly asking a married couple if they are pregnant or not, and that's what this feels like.

Tagged...and I'm it

Miss Melissa tagged me to name eight things about myself and to tag 8 other people.  Here it goes:

1.  My little toe is on side ways.  No kidding.  I just discovered it Thanksgiving Day when I showered.  I'm not sure when it happened, but I think it must have been fairly recent.  Perhaps I broke it after stubbing it and didn't reset it?  The reason I hadn't noticed before is probably related to the fact that I rarely shower with my contacts in and I can't see anything clearly and the fact that it is cold and my feet are in socks!  I don't know how it happened or when it happened.  Now, everyday I try to turn it so that the nail bed faces up instead of outward.  It's definitely a new form of "ortho" pedics.

2.  I enjoy writing.  I started a novel a few years ago and after 155 pages put it away.  It's too consuming.  Someday maybe I'll finish it, but I'm not the same person that started it.

3.  I like lots of light.  I like all the lights blazing when I watch TV, eat dinner, etc.  However, I wear my sunglasses outside until the sun is really far down in the Western sky.  Go figure.

4.  I hate to be cold.  I hate to be hot.  I'm miserable and whiny when I'm either one.  I like to be about 72-74 degrees at all times.  Better yet, I'd like to live somewhere that is 72-74 degrees at all times.

5.  I dream about my baby girl.  'Nuff said.

6.  When I was a child, teenager and a young adult in my 20s people often commented about how mature I was.  I think I've regressed or maybe I just don't care anymore how people view me, but I'm not embarrassed to laugh at or tell fart jokes.  C'mon it's funny!  As a nurse it's a job hazard...you have to view these things as funny.  Don't you think God had a sense of humor when he designed us this way?  

7.  I started college when I was 16 and I became an RN at the age of 19.  Nursing was the hardest job I ever had.  I can't explain to you how hard it was for me at that age to hold the hand of a person dying.  Sometimes it was worse knowing that it was actually for the best--even if they were young.  I will never forget the time I had to wheel a young man to the morgue--we were the same age.  Or, the older man that begged me to kill him because he was so sick.  Nurses will always have my respect.  Have you thanked a nurse today???

8.  I don't feel guilty.  I made a conscious decision years ago that I was going to stop feeling guilty for every little thing.  I would agonize over the way someone spoke to me or what they said or didn't say.  What a gift to myself to be able to acknowledge my errors and move on.  I hope that I can teach my daughter the same.   

Ok, who's next...(insert evil laugh):

Kris

Angie

Laura

Blondie

Kelli

Jen

Lina

Abby's Mom

More News

Ok, this is where the "mad" part of MayLing's Mama's musings come in.  I just LOVE reading the newspaper.  I can't help myself.  Big town, little town, it doesn't really matter.  The things I comment on are things that I just don't understand.  Sometimes I can't figure out why they are newsworthy (like today's article about a 5 year-old chimp beating college students at computer games--who cares?) or I find them just so disturbing and distressful (like the teacher that I told you last week who was in trouble for allowing her Muslim students to name the class mascot Muhammad) that the fact that these things happen boggles my mind. 

Ok, story #1

A Mexican singer, Zayda Pena, was shot through the heart.  Evidently this is the 4th killing of musicians that produce popular northern music (rap?).  The disturbing thing isn't so much that Zayda was shot, but that she was shot in the hospital while recovering from being shot in the neck the day before.  Did you catch that?  Shot twice in two days.  What the heck?

Story #2 (ok, I promise this is more uplifting)

Jianguo Liu, an ecologist in Michigan, recently released his report about the growing divorce rate worldwide and it's effect on ecology.  Two or 4 people share just as much household energy as 1, so when two people split homes and settle new homes they are actually using up more resources.  The message I get from this?  It's time to get busy and baby, I'm cold over here.  I live in a very liberal, green town.  I wonder if I can use this information as a pick-up line: hey, baby, you want to save the world?  Come on over to my place. 

Wow, my first nasty comment, I am honored

it's true I had my first drive-by anonymous insult comment.  Evidently this is a person that doesn't actually know me or they would have known that my intentions were not meant to be cruel, I can promise you.  However as a nurse, the heaviness of death is somewhat removed from me.  That isn't to say that I take it lightly, but death is something I see every day. Besides, you missed the actual joke. David's death wasn't the joke, nor was it meant to be.  The fact that our newspaper considers this front page material was the joke.  I actually cut away the rest of the article which goes into detail about his mental disability because I felt it was an inappropriate thing to report.  When someone of average mental capacity dies we don't report "man of average mental capacity found dead". 

To the anonymous commenter who doesn't know me, please feel free to  delete my blog from your bookmarks since you find it so offensive, it won't bother me in the least.  This blog is my blog and the address was given out to only my family and close friends.  How you happened on to it is beyond me.

The other day as I was talking to my friend and primary movie buddy I made the comment that David got to go out of this world the way I would have chosen...with a smile on my face doing what I enjoy most!  He was far luckier than most. 

Unleaded lips, please

There has been a lot of talk about lead in toys and I have already weighed in on this matter.  But, for those of you that like to be well informed about other sources of lead, let me guide you here.  Toys aren't the only unsafe things--American made lipstick is also suspect.  So the next time, you go to lick your ruby coated lips, check this chart (on page 10) to make sure you aren't suckin' down some bad for you lead.  It doesn't say anything about lip gloss so those of you that use candy flavored Lip Smackers because of the oh so sweet taste are probably ok. 

Other news:  evidently my local paper has been voted the best daily paper in the state of Indiana.  Yep, it even beat the Indianapolis Star.  C'mon you can't beat some of the stories in the paper...consider this one:

 

A Bloomington man was found unresponsive Wednesday evening at a movie theater following a showing of the film “Enchanted.” He was later pronounced dead at Bloomington Hospital.

David Kaspar, 38, was dropped off at Showplace 12, west, by his mother for the 6:20 p.m. show, said his sister, Lyn Huntington.

She said that their mother, Carol Kaspar, returned to the theater just after 8 p.m. to pick up her son. She looked around but could not find him. Huntington said an attendant told their mother that he appeared to be asleep in the front row of the screening room, the film having ended several minutes before that.

David Kaspar was found to be unresponsive. Paramedics were called to the scene and he was taken to the hospital. Monroe County Coroner David Toumey said deputy coroner Nicole Meyer pronounced Kaspar dead at 9:26 p.m. Toumey said he died of natural causes.

Huntington said that though her brother was overweight, he did not show signs of any serious health problems.

How terribly sad, but this is what I took away from it:  Enchanted isn't as good as everyone says and I really need to make sure I get my butt to the gym everyday!

Is it Friday yet?

I hadn't realized it had been a few days since I last updated.  My apologies to the 4 people that read on a regular basis. 

Those that know me well, know that I love my morning newspaper.  No kidding.  I've been reading it since I was about 8.  I prefer my local paper (I even had the B-town Herald delivered to me when I lived in another town over 70 miles away) because I like to know what it going on in my town, my state, my country, my world.  After having read today's world section I just want to say I am so glad I am an American.  We really don't notice the liberties that we enjoy EVERY SINGLE DAY that many people around the world do not even know of.  While I am a Christian, I am glad that our country strives to keep church and state very separate of each other.  In Sudan, a British teacher named Gillian Gibbons has been arrested and is facing 40 lashes, 6 months in prison, and a fine.  Her crime, you ask?  She allowed her students to name the classroom stuffed bear Muhammad.  Even though the name Muhammad is quite popular across the region it is sacrilegious to give the name to an animal, even a fake one.  WOW. 

Also in the paper today...Venus has frequent bursts of lightning.  Who freakin' cares?  Do we plan on living there someday?  No.  Do they have oil?  No.  Case closed. 

Why am I perusing the newspaper for bloggy bits?  Well, there really isn't much to say about the China adoption process.  I am in the midst of doing a home study update.  While I am not required to do everything that I did last year, I was amazed that there were some additions.  My dossier required that I assign a guardian for my someday baby and my sister gladly signed.  This year the SW agency is requiring it as well.  Whatever.  Sarah was gracious enough to sign it again. 

While I still have moments of nervousness at work due to the management through the various departments (and my previous experience with them), overall, I am quite happy.  I had the realization on Tuesday evening as I was doing CI rounds throughout the hospital, I like what I am doing.  A nurse actually thanked me for trying to make charting easier.  Wow.  It's been a long time since anybody in any job has thanked me.  It feels good.  I am involved in a bazillion committees and at one such committee today I had a suggestion that really impressed them.  My suggestion (and the wording of it) is going to be plastered in every room of the hospital.  I'm not sure I will think it is so great if I'm ever the one lying in that bed, but it feels pretty cool from where I sit right now. 

I'm trying to so hard not to binge on chocolate right now.  I swear, every month it is either chocolate or salt.  This month it is chocolate and I don't have ANY in the house.  Instead, I'm bingeing on it at work.  I had bought a couple of pieces of fancy chocolate and hid them in my desk for an emergency such as this one.  After scarfing them down, I went to a colleague's office on the floor above me and helped myself to some Hershey P.B. cups (if there is anything in the world better than chocolate and peanut butter, I don't know what it is).  Then, I went up the hall to check in on another colleague and she had some Boy Scout popcorn.  It wasn't just popcorn, it was popcorn that had been dipped in caramel and then smothered in chocolate.  Mama Mia!  She was trying to give it away so I relieved her of some of her burden. 

Oh, one more good thing from work.  I alluded to some changes in my life a few weeks ago.  I couldn't go into the specifics, but some of it was concerning some changes at work.  Our hospital is considering a merger with the largest hospital system in the state.  There was concern that our IS department would be out of jobs since they use totally different applications at their hospital.  According to our CEO that spoke at our department meeting this week, we should be fine.  Whoo hoo!  Good to know.  Now back to your regular programming. 

And speaking of regular programming...the boys are on tonight!

News of the Weird

I've read two interesting/scary articles in the last 10 minutes.  The first came to me courtesy of Kristen.  A source is claiming that Britney Spears in negotiations to adopt 7 year-old twin girls from China.  At first glance it's a joke, right?  She doesn't meet the minimum age requirement, she's not married, she has a history or drug and alcohol problems (a big fat no-no with China...well, a no-no with any country), and her bio kids have actually been removed from her custody and placed with the drug addicted father.  How bad of a parent are you when your kids are placed with a drug addict?  Part of me wants to believe that she had bad legal representation, but the girl's rich--she probably had the best attorney available to her.  Any RQ's rumor board is arguing that it could be a "private" adoption.  This better be a joke or I'm really going to be upset.

The second story is actually more disturbing than the first (yeah, I know, what could be more disturbing than another generation of Britney's??).  There are several conservative states that are trying to create legislature stating that "personhood" begins at conception and as such they are entitled to all the rights and freedoms of any US citizen.  What this means is that once Miss Egg and Mr Sperm meet, they are now Mr/Miss Person.  While pro-life supporters think this is great to support there are a couple of glaring complications.  1.  Birth control pills would be made illegal because they work by preventing the embryo from adhering to the lining of the uterus.  2. This would affect parents using IVF.  Many times multiple eggs are harvested and many embryos are created.  Generally they don't plant more a couple at a time.  The rest never make it to the nest.  Either IVF would be no longer be allowed or they would only have able to create a few embryos at a time for implantation.  Think of the number of women who are on birth control as a means of keeping a regular cycle, decrease the amount of bleeding, treatment for endometriosis and/or polycystic ovary disorder.  What other treatment means are available to them? 

Chances are neither one of those things will actually happen, but it is a bit scary isn't it?

Have I mentioned that I like cute boys that sing?

Black Friday

Is it a bad thing to hide from your family when you are hosting a holiday event at your home?  Shhhh!  Don't tell anyone--I'm in the computer room. 

I'm going bonkers.  I love my family I truly do.  If it were immediate friends and family only and no pets allowed, I'd be a happy girl.  Instead I have spent the last 24 hours wheezing because my dad's beloved dog likes to sit on or near me at all times.  Today I was trying to enjoy a movie with my family, but the damn dog was sitting on my dad's lap and my dad was sitting next to me.  I started coughing so hard that I was having trouble catching my breath.  I finally left the room and hid in my computer room (the room I am staying in since g'ma took my room) for the next several hours.  It's not much better in there because my poor kitty is so freaked out by having all the strange people in the house and a dog that she likes to sit as close as she can to my face.  Yeah, that's good for my pet allergies.  I am going to have to do some serious pet hair/dander fumigation tomorrow.  I love animals, I really do, but they make me so darn sick.  I can not handle more than one animal in a residence at a time or my allergies starting going into overdrive.  I'm having trouble even wearing my contacts.

G'ma is making me nuts.  The poor lady means well, but we didn't grow up with her so when she talks about her friends and relatives I have no idea who the heck she is talking about.  And she talks incessantly.  I understand.  I truly do.  I feel bad for my co-workers if I have been shut in all weekend with no one to talk to.  I know I make them crazy with the talking and I know that it is a very real possibility that I might end up like this as well.  I guess I wouldn't mind it so much if we were actually having a conversation.  We aren't talking....she's yacking my ear off.  I'm sorry if this post sounds negative, but I am used to solitude.  At home.  At work.  There just isn't this much noise and talking going on in my life.

Let's see...let's talk about something lighter, shall we?  So far I have opened two Christmas presents and it's not even December.  This is two more than I have ever opened before so that's exciting.  Michael came over the other night with my present--a Christmas tree!  I have complained about the crappy tree I had for several years now.  The stupid tree had glued on branches that kept falling off.  It was one sneeze away from being the bald little tree on the Peanuts Christmas Special every December.  It had gotten so bad that I have actually not put up a tree just so I can avoid it.  I think I mentioned last week that a package had arrived on my doorstep from my mom.  She insisted that I open it yesterday while the whole family was present.  It's a new set of luggage!  yeah!  I have needed some new stuff for some time.  I really wanted to have a set because I didn't have a bag for MayLing when I go to China.  It has 3 suitcases (they all fit inside each other), a carry-on bag, a laptop bag, and a toiletry bag.  I'm so psyched!  This will make my Dallas travels much more tolerable.  So, what's left for Christmas?

I love that my parents still take care of me even though I am an adult.  They paid for the groceries to put on Thanksgiving Dinner and today we went to Lowe's.  I didn't expect my dad to buy anything, but I needed to get some over-the-sink lights for my kitchen and a broom to sweep my patio and walk way off with.  Well, I also got a new dish sponge and a step stool (so I don't have to continue dragging my chair all over my kitchen and my house to reach things).  So again I ask, what's left for Christmas?  Just having them around is like having Christmas.  I don't need anything.  I just like having them in my home as we begin some new holiday traditions.

Thanksgiving Mayhem at Mama's House

I volunteered to have Thanksgiving at my house this year.  Truth be told, I begged for it to be at my house because, as a nurse, I have never gotten more than one day off from work.  As such, I don't like spending the entire day traveling just so I can eat a dried out dead bird.  Although turkey is the traditional meat served, I'd much rather have a ham.  I love ham.  Actually I enjoy most parts of a dead pig and would prefer to eat that over dead bird any day.

Ok, that got off topic.  I must admit that I almost attempted to escape the screaming toddler (cute, but nerve wracking when your house occupancy goes from 1 to 7 in the matter of a few minutes), laughing, heat, bubbling potatoes, splattering noodles, and smell of whiskey.  I'm sure my other single sisters would agree, you get used to solitude and having company definitely rocks your world.  I'm not knocking it, just saying it took me some time to adjust.

It was an awesome day.  The food was awesome and everyone agreed it was the best Thanksgiving Day/Food.  There is talk of repeating it here again next year which would also be wonderful.  I think I will try to beat everyone else to the liquor next year though.  

Is the Batchelor Gay?

Ok, I realize that question might be slightly inflammatory, and I admit to never having watched an episode prior to the last 20 minutes of tonight's show, but I have to wonder, did he really feel nothing for either woman or was he simply too afraid to commit?  There is no shame in it, the shame is when you don't recognize that about yourself and start dragging innocent people into the muck with you.  I have a good friend (hope he's not reading this post) who is afraid of commitment and recognizes it in himself.  As long as the women he dates realize that this is as far as it goes, no one should get hurt, but when you go on national TV exposing your desire for marriage with everyone and their dog, that's not fair.  I'm not planning on watching tomorrow's episode.  There are only so many broken hearts I'm willing to expose myself to and I doubt he will say anything that will explain his actions. 

Neighborly Love--Part II

Sure enough, my gutters were clean when I got home tonight.  I decided to walk over to the neighbor's house and thank him for his work.  He asked how much the estimate was for to replace the rear gutters and when I told him, he said, "I bet I could probably replace at least the wood for you, if not the guttering."  WHAT!  He said he is going to check with his dad (who taught him guttering years ago) and see what kind of estimate he could come up with.  That would be awesome!  If his estimate is accurate, it will cost me less than 1/2 of what this guy is charging.  This guy is charging me an arm and a leg because I compared it to another quote I got and it was substantially less.  Unfortunately I never could get the first guy on the phone again.  I left message after message and no one ever called.  Evidently that is a common complaint in this town--the roofing and guttering people just never call you back. 

I'm going to say it one more time--I love my neighbors and my neighborhood!

Neighborly Love

I love to blog about my neighbors.  They are a constant source of joy for me.  Several of my neighbors are now attending the same church as me.  Today, Spencer, the guy with 3 little red-headed boys (neither he nor his wife are red heads--how bizarre!) asked how things were going at my house.  He asked if I needed any help with the leaves--I have to admit to feeling a bit guilty since he can plainly see my yard from his front yard and the site of my leaf strewn yard is probably an eyesore.  I told him the leaves were ok (note to self, buy a leaf rake already!), but that I had no way of cleaning my front gutters.  The rear gutters should be replaced sometime in the next week or two, but the front ones are probably pretty messy.  He said that was fine, that it wouldn't take him any time at all.  He said he'd come over tomorrow while I was at work and clean them out.  God bless him!  I have such a hard time accepting charity from others, short of baby sitting his kids, any suggestions on how to pay him back? 

Taking a Sick Day

I'm not so much taking a sick day as I am accepting the one that has been handed to me.  It seems that I really can't burn it at both ends...at least not for long.  Silly me, I thought I could get by with only 5-6 hours of sleep a night.  Evidently not.

I knew something was a bit screwy as I slept last night because each time I rolled onto my left side my head started swimming and I felt really dizzy.  Do you know how bad it is when you feel dizzy without even opening your eyes?  Most likely it is an inner ear/allergy related thing or just from sheer exhaustion.  Right now I am leaning more towards exhaustion.  I got up for about an hour--long enough to call and cancel all the plans I had today, and there were many--before falling asleep on the couch.  I finally woke up around 3 pm, but only because I was in desperate need for a toilet.  Anyway, feeling a bit better, but I am certainly not going to drive any where today. 

So what do you do when you are too dizzy to walk, bored of sleeping and have no cable TV?  Well, first you cruise all your favorite blogs.  After that is accomplished you start working on projects that don't require much head movement, such as organizing your digital photo library.  Yeah, that was a shocker.  I looked at pics from about a year ago and thought "yeah, you were looking foxy then."  Now I look like a teletubby.  I am taking steps to correct that and I certainly hope to see the evidence of that in the next few weeks.  I bought a new pair of jeans with my sister in mid-September and after I brought them back from the tailor (yes, I am a shorty and I do not hem my jeans) they didn't seem to fit.  Hmmm, what's that all about?  I'm going to try them on real quick...hold on a sec....ok, not pretty with my big girl panties hangin over the top, but they are fitting better.  I'm not going to show you my most recent photos (duh, you can just scroll peeps), but I will share a couple of older photos with you when I was still looking like a hottie. 

This photo is actually 2 years old...me and Fil in our "honeymoon photo".  Inside joke.  

For the birth of my niece...look at those nice looking arms!

Graduation Day--May 2006 Halloween 2006

Yeah, I definitely have my work cut out for me and I'm sure you'll read all about it right here.  I looked at home many miles I have logged so far this month, and I have walked/ellipticaled 29.5 miles as of yesterday.  Yippee! 

Merry Christmas?

Do you ever have one of those days that you thing "man, I've got a lot of great things to blog?"  Sometimes they are just random comments that at the time seem ultra-cool, but for me I think they usually come across as nothing more than mental diarrhea. 

Today is not a day that I am feeling particularly clever.  I'm tired.  It's Friday.  It's been a long week. 

Just sos ya know, I'm Irish.  I know it is just an excuse, but I feel like I need an excuse for why I tend to blow hot and then feel fine.  If you ever watch me get really mad, it's ok, I'm fine shortly after that.  I just need to vent and process through it.

Case in point, the chic-a-dee at work I mentioned in my last post.  She had me pretty irritated, but now my irritation has turned to feeling sorry.  There are some serious communication issues in my department.  A lot of them have to do with her and her passive-aggressive personality, but a lot has to do with our team leader.  She also does not communicate what her expectations are or the process for getting things done.  All of us analysts are nurses who are suddenly working in an IS department.  Do you have any idea what kind of chaos this creates?  I am fortunate that I have at least played on a computer before.  Most of these chickies haven't.  I am very familiar with Microsoft products and how they work (in fact I am trialing one right now.  I am not actually posting from my blogger site.  I am using Windows Live Writer today and if I like it you might see some new things on my blog).  Anyway, the chic-a-dee didn't know how to design the education tools that needed done and she was hoping that I did.  If she has approached a bit nicer, I probably would have offered to figure it out.  Anyway, I'm feeling fine about it now.

My first Christmas present arrived in the mail yesterday.  I feel sorry for the postman or whoever delivered it because it is a huge box and probably weighs 45 pounds.  I'm not supposed to know what it is, but I'm pretty sure it is luggage.  I didn't share this with my mom, but one of the wheels is kinda poking out of the cardboard.  It also has the color and quantity listed in bold black print.

Is it my imagination or have my blogger buddies all taken a vacation?  It seems everyone has slowed down lately.  I don't know if it is the ever increasing wait, boring lives, or their lives are so interesting and busy that they are just unable to slow down long enough to post.  I really hope it is the latter. 

Oy!

My ass is whipped...hehe...I almost made a funny. I'm so tired I couldn't remember how to spell it so I wrote wiped. It is whipped and wiped, but that gives you a whole different visual now doesn't it?

I'm a total addict, seriously. The cable guys came out last night to fix the modem because I had intermittent phone and internet service. By intermittent I mean, I went to bed Monday with no phone service...thank God I'm young and MayLing isn't home. I guess it's not really an emergency when you can go next door and use a neighbor's phone. What is it about our society that makes us feel helpless when we can't pick up the phone and have instant help? I would guess that most countries don't have instant help.

Anyway, back on topic. The repair people came out without calling me first so I was sitting here in my lovely "monkey" pajama bottoms looking oh so fabulous. And they were cute! Oh, well. I think I have given up on cute boys entering my life anytime in the forseeable future. They fixed the cable/internet right up and I processed to link in and mentally check out. Really, I'm a total YouTube fan. In fact, just writing the word makes me want to open the page STAT and see what groovy things are out there. Kris and I were emailing videos of our favorite boys last night well past my bedtime. Even when I tried to pull myself away, I couldn't. I have already talked to our IS people at work and asked about a 12 step program. They are working on it. Evidently I'm not alone. This happens to a lot of nerds that I suddenly get 'teched up'.

What else is new you ask? I had the sloooowwweeesssttt day ever at work. Really, no joke. the entire department was gone. They were all scoping out some new equipment at another site and I was left to my lonesome. I hope they don't check how much internet time I logged today because let me tell you, it would be huge! It was all I could do to not blog a post from my office desk today. Yowza. It was bad and to make it worse....the one colleague that I find somewhat disagreeable calls me at 4:30 pm as I am about to teach my final inservice of the day and says, "Did you do the screenshots yet?" Huh? First I had heard of it. I had volunteered a week ago to help her when she was ready to go live. I am currently the liaison between the analysts and informaticists (educators) and the key words in previous sentence were week, help, and ready. She hadn't breathed a word of it to me since then and I guess she is going live tomorrow. Wow, the end users are going to LOVE that. I didn't feel like pointing out to her that she had gone about it back assward. You are supposed to educate and then go live. Evidently she thought I had developed all the material and was ready to begin teaching the staff. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she thought that the inservice I was giving today was about her stuff. She asked if I was going to make all the cool graphics with circles and arrows. What the heck? She was being rather condescending when I said that I hadn't done that before. I told her if she could get me started I could probably figure the rest out. She tells me "I HAVEN'T HAD THE CLASS, I CAN'T HELP YOU." WHAT? She better reign her nasty self back in before I complain to the boss. I'm not the kind that likes to do that but she is already in hot water. The whole thing annoyed me. If she had at least hinted about this, I could have spent my useless day doing it. Trust me, I would have been happy to do it in between all my inservices. Grrhhh.

Happy 9 Month LID to me!

Contrary to what you are probably thinking, no, I did not forget my LIDversery. As you probably remember Mama had a high speed cable modem installed and for the first few hours I was in wedded bliss. Well, the honeymoon period ended about 3 hours later when I lost my signal. Do you know what happens when you lose your signal? You lose your phone line too. Yep, my 3 hours of passion left me feeling somewhat irritated and red faced. I messed around with it until 12:30 am hoping that I would "bump" a wire into a better position. No such luck. When I got up at 6 am it was working again. However, after coming home this evening I was only able to get on for a few minutes before losing my signal. Grrrhhh! I was forced to call the cable company not on my landline (because I had lost my signal), but on my cell phone. Cell phones cost money you know. I won't even tell you what a recent bill set me back.

Anyway, I'm back into the arms of my new lover. Have I mentioned that I love U2? Yeah, I own nearly every CD that they have put out...even their best of CDs that only have 1 or 2 new songs. Did you know that you can watch the music videos of nearly every new song on YouTube? Well, I didn't know until yesterday. Now I can watch young Bono whenever I want. Ahh, heaven. Any other cute boy suggestions?

Did I also mention that I will probably need a 12 step program soon? As soon as the guys installed it yesterday I dropped a couple bucks on downloading some new tunes. It's soooo simple now and only takes 3 seconds. iTunes is somewhat seductive because it doesn't ask for your credit card number...all you have to do is log in. Oh, sweet nectar of the digital gods, your fruit is too sweet!

"Life Comes at You Fast"

Chances are that if you own a TV and have turned it on at any time in the last 2 years you have seen the Nationwide commercial using this catch phrase "Life Comes at You Fast". My personal favorite is K Fed going from Britney's boytoy to working at a fast food joint. Right now they are running an ad show a love stricken couple driving down the highway in a convertible. Her long red scarf wraps around his head and he can't see to drive. They end up driving off the road and landing in a field. It ends with the two of them exchanging loving looks despite the fact that the car is trashed.

Life does comes at us fast and sometimes you just want to grab the oh shit bar (the handle located near the passenger's head in any automobile) and slam your feet on the floorboard and say "slow down!". I think for those of us in the adoption world, especially Chinese adoptions, things seem to move slowly but do you ever take a step back from the situation and examine it with new eyes? Recently there have been some changes in my life and in the way I view MY world. I feel like I have just recently gotten a snap shot view of my future...and it isn't anything like I planned or imagined. It doesn't make it bad. It's just different. Given the choice I would have chosen the path of least resistance...the shortest route between two points...I would have gone the same generic way everyone else has. But what would that route have taught me? Nothing, probably. This route has definitely tested my faith, tested my beliefs and made me leave my comfort zone. Maybe it is as Robert Frost said "...two roads diverged in a road, and I--I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

"Put on your big girl panties and deal with it"

That sign is hanging in the office I share with Terri. She is a feisty woman that I have grown to respect for her wisdom, but also her sense of humor. And she is right, sometimes you just need to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. And that is precisely what I have done, figuratively and literally. As I mentioned in a previous post, I needed some guidance with a decision and I think it is finally made. So tonight, I went to Target got myself some big fat briefs, just in case this girl has a hard time dealing with it. I'm not going to post what decision I have made, nor what my dilemma was so I hope the two or three out there that know will keep it to themselves. At some point I am sure I will delve into it, but not right now.

Work is going well. I've been very busy and I have learned to dread Thursday. They aren't horrible days, but it is nothing but meetings and my butt hurts! I have been very conscientious about going to the gym because I am doing so much sitting and I am snacking more than I used to at work.

Kristen, her mom, my mom and me (does that make sense?) have embarked on a "Miles to China" adventure. We are documenting the number of miles we are walking, cycling, ellipticalling, rowing...well, you get the point...that takes us to China. Our goal is to have a combined number of miles that match the distance. It is 6,787 miles from here to Beijing and 6,515 miles from Janesville to Beijing. So far I have racked up 17.5 miles since the beginning of the month. Whoo-hoo! I'm sure my mom will kick my a** though because she walks 3 miles/day 6days/week. She is a machine.

Yippee!! Congrats to the new families that were created today. I am so incredibly happy for you. It certainly is good to see China referring a larger group. They made it through 8 days this time!

On a personal note, please say a prayer for me this week. I can't really delve into the details at this time, but sometimes you feel pulled to certain places in your life that you really didn't see coming. This does not deal directly with adopting MayLing, but it could impact it so please pray that I have clarity this week. And for the wickedly curious, I am not withdrawing my dossier, so don't get too excited.

West Baden Springs Hotel

On Saturday Michael and I took a day trip to French Lick, Indiana and got to see the newly renovated West Baden Springs Hotel. It is often referred to as the "eighth wonder of the world" for it's natural mineral springs and for the incredible dome in the hotel. It is/was the largest dome in the world and was built in a year's time. This hotel is incredible. I couldn't help but gush when I saw it. It is enormous, breathtaking, and slightly eerie. Even though it was bustling with people, it was deathly quiet in the hotel and on the grounds. It gave off an eerie sort of Overlook Hotel vibe (check out "The Shining"). All the rooms circle the dome and many people had balconies facing the dome and doors that were wide open. Michael even commented that he expected to see a jumper fall from a window. The hotel was incredible, but creepy nonetheless. After the hotel we went to the casino. Evidently in order to meet criteria for having a casino in the state of Indiana you must be on water. So what did they do? The put in a tiny man-made pond and parked the casino in front of it. Yeah, a bit weird, but an ingenious way around the rules.

After that excitement we had to check out the Winery. I was impressed that it was so good for a small town. Not only did they have the winery, but they put a restaurant and a store in the warehouse as well. Overall, French Lick is well worth the gas it took to get there.

Don't forget to "Fall Behind" tonight!

China Adoption Blog Gathering Anyone?

I'm sending this in conjunction with Kristen:

Is anyone interested in getting together to celebrate our upcoming adoptions? The wait is very difficult, we all know that. So let's do something to support one another and just have some FUN! So, adoptive Mom's to be, let's do it. If you are interested in having some fun, leave me (or Kris) a comment, your e-mail, or a link to your blog and let's see if we can get something organized for January or February.

Guess what Mama's Getting for her 9 month LID?

Nine months. That's pretty significant. It's the last of the single digit numbers that I know. It is also the average length of time that a woman is pregnant. So what am I don't to mark this momentous occasion?
I'm getting a HIGH SPEED CABLE MODEM. That's right folks, I'm gettin' modern. For fear of sounding like a hillbilly, let me explain that I did have DSL until I moved into this house a year ago. I'm actually closer to work (which is in the middle of the town), but I'm not city limits. And since all my neighbors are old and no one else is squeaking about wanting DSL from AT&T, they have no reason to update the phone lines. It really irritates me because people to the north, south, east and west of us have DSL. Darn old people...they don't even own computers. I really need to have something fast because my work laptop requires a secure remote access when used off site and it takes FOREVER to load when hooked to a dial-up phone line.

More LID news...I learned that I will be in Dallas when I celebrate my 12 month LID. I'm pretty bummed about that. I really wanted to have a small party at home, celebrate Chinese New Year (not sure exactly when it falls next year, but it fell close to my LID this year), and reflect on the year behind and the year(s) coming up. Now I will be stuck in Dallas with strangers. I will also miss Valentine's Day and as my sister so gracefully pointed out, "So what? Do you think you are going to be dating anyone then?" Well, no, but I like to spend that time with my friends or soaking in the tub with a box of chocolates sitting near by. I guess I can still do the latter in Dallas.

Night owl reversal or something else?

Anyone that knows me will tell you that I am not a morning person, a day person, or in any way associated to being "bright" while the sun is shining. As a kid my parents would put me to bed around 8 pm, but I stayed up quite late playing in my bed. Long after they were asleep I was still awake and sometimes wandering the house. Well, fastforward 20+ years and nothing much has changed...until recently.

When I started the new job I started going into work around 7:30 am. Initially it was because I didn't want to be late. Then it changed into wanting to find a decent parking spot so I didn't have to be bussed in from several miles away. Last week I actually went into work at 6:30 AM. Yeah, I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it when I clocked in. So, have I finally shifted my clock to daylight hours after a lifetime of fighting sleep, or is it something else? I've had a nasty sinus/bronchitis thing involving loads of mucous and other fluids you would probably not care to read about. I thought it was the post-nasal drip keeping me awake, but as this clears up and I'm still getting up early, I began to wonder. I might have blamed it on PMS, except that is normally associated with a lack of sleep. I'm actually waking up around 5-6 am feeling rested. I haven't woken up to an alarm in several weeks. At 7:30 this evening I'm calling everyone I know because I'm sitting on the couch fighting sleep. In what lifetime have I ever wanted to go to bed at 7:30???? If there are any reformed night shift people reading, I'd love to hear what you think.

PSE 5.0 Fun!

Look what I can do with my new Photoshop Elements 5!!!
I'm so excited!

I feel like a bit of a skeeze (wow, not sure where that word came from!) but I think it is justified. In the 1-2 mile radius of where I live I have a two grade schools, a middle school and a high school. In fact, all I have to do is walk to the end of my road and there is the monstrosity we refer to as "the prison". So, what is the point of this story, you ask? Well, my house is at the epicenter of all these schools so this is where all the kids come to peddle their Girl Scout cookies, Boy Scout popcorn, and whatever else they sell on behalf of their school. It's not that I'm against them selling, but what do I need this stuff for? I need another box of cookies like I need another 5 lb weight gain. Yeah, my pants are still tight after eating in Dallas for a week. Can one person really eat 5 lbs of flavoried popcorn? I'm sure I could, but I think running out of ass wipe would be the least of my worries. And what about the other trinkets and trash? I HAVE NO WHERE TO PUT IT. It was a huge undertaking to turn my junk/overflow room into a nursery and as per my pact with Kristen, I have no intention of putting any non-baby stuff back in there.

Well, I think I have finally found the perfect answer that gets me off the hook and I don't have to lie. Here is the situation as it unfolded 15 minutes ago:

Cute little blond Boy Sout: Will you buy some popcorn for the Boy Scouts of America?

Me: I'm sorry. I've already been asked by someone else.

Did you catch it? I had already been asked. I didn't buy squat from the last person that asked either.

And, yes, after the posts I have left today you can call me Ebenzer Scrooge.

Boycotting Christmas

I don't having anything against Christmas, really, I don't. It's my favorite holiday of the year, but the commercialization of it makes me crazy. Yesterday I went to Michael's Craft Store--would you like to guess what it was filled to capacity with? You guessed it, Christmas Crap. And the store was packed! I'm guessing people have already begun shopping for presents. Today I went to the grocery store, my least favorite chore of all household chores. I hate even trying to pop in for something quick on a Sunday because it is absolute chaos. And crowds. Have I mentioned how much I hate crowds? I hate the noise and pushing and slowness of people that seem to enjoy this stuff. So, I'm waiting in the express lane hoping that they will move us through at an express pace (not a chance when you have food stamps and you have to divide up your bill so you still buy your cigarettes and coke). This is my image of Hell, being stuck in line unable to move or to move the process along....hmmm, just realized that sounds like something else in my life. Anyone care to guess what that might be? So there I stood in my own Hell when all the sudden I hear the tinny sounds of poor quality Christmas music being piped into the room. Are you kidding me? We haven't even cleared Halloween yet!!!

I will admit I kind of started my own Christmas shopping...but only for myself. Since money was so tight for so long (even before I lost my job I had been pinching pennies for the adoption) and I just haven't bought anything for myself, well, I've been wanting Photoshop Elements 5.0 for a very long time (digital scrapbooking, yeah!), but I was unwilling to pay $100. Something told me to pull into Staples after my violin lesson yesterday and take a look. Well, not only did I find the only one left in the store, but I found it on sale AND with a $45 dollar rebate. Yippee!

Yesterday before my lesson Koji (my violin instructor's Japanese bf) taught me how to make origami cranes. I've been wanting to learn so that I can hang some in MayLing's room. I have a few all over the house that people have given me over the years, but not enough to make a mobile out of them. So, now I know. I tend to be a bit obsessive and I like to keep my hands busy so if anyone out there wants any, I'm happy to share. I'll even send you the nice ones, as opposed to the first few I tried making. I've also attempted some other little surprises...so drop me a line and I'll drop some in the mail to you.

Cheers!

Saturday Morning Lights

My parents stayed over last night because they wanted to go up to their house early this morning and get it ready for the first viewing. They left a little after 7 this morning. I couldn't sleep after waking up so I got up and began puttering around the house with most the lights off.

I had this odd sensation, almost like I was flashing back in time. I can remember being 5 years-old and living in a house very similar to this one and creeping around in the dark before the early light of Saturday morning. I would seek out our old boxed TV set...you know the kind that sat deep in it's own cabinet and was supposed to appear like a piece of furniture? This was back in the day before 24 hr programming and I would turn on the set to see only snow across the screen. Concerned, I would slink back to my mom and dad's room and whisper "where are the toons?" I looked forward to Saturday morning cartoons with the joy that only a child understands. Today, as I crept through the quiet, cold house I could almost hear the sounds of early morning cartoons playing softly and throwing pale light across the room. Yeah, I am looking forward to that day...

Love at Last?

Do you ever wonder how people or events make it into your dreams? I must admit it has been on my mind a lot today. This morning I dreamed of a man I was in a relationship with nearly 3 years ago. He had been my closest friend for nearly a year, or that's how long it took me to realize we were no longer "just" friends. Once we both finally owned up to our feelings the relationship became quite intense. He was the first man I ever loved and he was the first man to ever love me. We had talked of the future and the number of kids we were going to have (3) and what sexes they would be (at least one of both sexes). We had discussed marriage and his family was aware of our plans. They had even come over from S. Korea to meet me and voiced their approval of me....with one exception. Although we were both Christians, I was protestant and they were Catholic. They wanted me to convert. I just wanted to be loved the way I was. And one day he just disappeared. One day I caught him sizing up my rings in my bedroom, and in another he was disappearing like a wisp of smoke. I learned later from mutual friends that his family would not allow us to marry because I wouldn't convert. He never discussed it with me, but I was told he was too upset to meet with me.

It was hard for me to recover from that. Where my heart had been stretched wide with love, there was this large gaping wound that couldn't be made be taut again. I mourned not only our love, but his friendship. I had months of pain and anger, but was eventually able to put that behind me.

I thought I had completely recovered from it until last year when I was completing my dossier. I certainly didn't sit around thinking about him or what could have been, but one night I had a dream of him. I was finally able to have closure. In the dream I yelled at him for breaking my heart and I think I beat him over the head a couple of times. I woke up feeling healed and whole in a way I didn't think possible.

I still think of him on occasion, but I spend more time plotting my next meal or hunting for toilet paper, than I think of him. So it was strange to dream of him today. The only reason I can come up with is related to an article I read in the November issue of O magazine. On page 290 they talk about finding love at last. All of the couples featured in the article found love at later ages. The youngest couple was in their mid 40's while the oldest found love in their 90s.

I really enjoyed the article partly because in the last week or so I have gotten some peace with the whole single status. I think I finally realized and accepted (although it doesn't always make me happy) that there is absolutely nothing I can do to find love or force love. As much as it saddens me, there is a very real possibility that I may never find love. Again. After reading the article and learning that some in their 40s had never been in love, well, I guess I felt lucky I had found it once. It is hard once you know what you are missing, but at least I know I was lovable and capable of love.

So how does this link me back to my ex? Well, in the article there was a lesson called "Be Open To Reunions", meaning, be open to past loves. I guess I realized I don't ever want what we had again. I loved him and he loved me intensely. He treated me like a queen and for the first time I got to feel like a woman. But in the end, he didn't communicate with me. For me communication=trust. Without one, I can't have the other. I think this dream was just another layer of my psyche severing whatever link I may have had with him. In the dream he was once again following the wishes of his parents. I can't be with a man like that.

Yesterday I had lunch with the woman I share an office with and one of her friends. They are both divorced and remarried and talked of the struggles with those relationships. I rather flippantly made the remark that while they were lucky at remarriages, I couldn't even find one man to marry. Terri looked me directly in the eye and said,"it's because we settled for less than what we wanted and what we deserved. Don't make the same mistakes that we did. And don't think that love changes people or that you can change people. You can't. No one can." She admitted that if she had to do it all over again, she would not have remarried, no matter how much she loves her current husband. I heard the exact same thing from another co-worker today who married, divorced, and remarried.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know that I will ever find love again. But today I feel exposed again, forced to remember something that was both beautiful and devastating. I guess if we open ourselves to love again, we have to be open for either possibility.