All you who sleep tonight...

All you who sleep tonight

Far from the ones you love,

No hand to left or right

and emptiness above--

Know that you aren't alone,

the whole word shares your tears.

Some for two nights or one

and some for all their years.

~Vikram Seth~

I live alone. Being alone has long been apart of me, even from childhood. I sleep alone, I eat most of my meals alone. I spend a lot of time alone.

Normally I am fine with this, but there is something about traveling alone and somehow being alone in a group...it makes me ponder my alone status. There are eleven people in my training group and everyone traveled with at least one other colleague. Somehow even the lesbian with really poor social skills managed to find another lesbian in this hotel to hang out with this week. And considering that lesbianism is not really a club that many of the locals join that's saying something. I did spend Wednesday evening hanging out with the ladies from Virginia, but I couldn't really join in their conversations and I don't particular enjoy shopping for hours on end so that was still an isolating experience. Even this didn't bother me.

Last night I decided to visit a Mexican restaurant here that I really enjoy for the architecture and ambience. Because I was alone I was seated quickly, but instead of getting to sit in the center near the fountain, I got stuck next to an obnoxiously large party groups. This didn't bother me. It wasn't until I was standing outside the restaurant waiting for the shuttle in the cold that I was acutely aware of how alone I was. And again tonight as I walked through the empty hotel and down the street to get some food. I realized that I wasn't accountable to anyone for my actions...and in a sense this was scary. As I raced to cross the street before the cars mowed me down or dodging cars in the Target parking lot I was acutely aware of being alone. In a sense it is very empowering. I have wandered the streets of several continents alone and I had that same sense...feeling deeply within my self, but also slightly sad because I couldn't share it with anyone.

I'm hoping to get on stand-by for an earlier flight in the morning. I really need to be around people. Especially people that love me. And when I ponder my feelings, I can't help but think of my daughter and I pray that she never feels this way. I realize that she has likely not been born yet, but I pray that she and her birth mother are loved and know how much I am loving them from afar. I hope, as Vikra Seth so eloquently wrote, "know that you are not alone, that the whole world shares your tears."