Love at Last?

Do you ever wonder how people or events make it into your dreams? I must admit it has been on my mind a lot today. This morning I dreamed of a man I was in a relationship with nearly 3 years ago. He had been my closest friend for nearly a year, or that's how long it took me to realize we were no longer "just" friends. Once we both finally owned up to our feelings the relationship became quite intense. He was the first man I ever loved and he was the first man to ever love me. We had talked of the future and the number of kids we were going to have (3) and what sexes they would be (at least one of both sexes). We had discussed marriage and his family was aware of our plans. They had even come over from S. Korea to meet me and voiced their approval of me....with one exception. Although we were both Christians, I was protestant and they were Catholic. They wanted me to convert. I just wanted to be loved the way I was. And one day he just disappeared. One day I caught him sizing up my rings in my bedroom, and in another he was disappearing like a wisp of smoke. I learned later from mutual friends that his family would not allow us to marry because I wouldn't convert. He never discussed it with me, but I was told he was too upset to meet with me.

It was hard for me to recover from that. Where my heart had been stretched wide with love, there was this large gaping wound that couldn't be made be taut again. I mourned not only our love, but his friendship. I had months of pain and anger, but was eventually able to put that behind me.

I thought I had completely recovered from it until last year when I was completing my dossier. I certainly didn't sit around thinking about him or what could have been, but one night I had a dream of him. I was finally able to have closure. In the dream I yelled at him for breaking my heart and I think I beat him over the head a couple of times. I woke up feeling healed and whole in a way I didn't think possible.

I still think of him on occasion, but I spend more time plotting my next meal or hunting for toilet paper, than I think of him. So it was strange to dream of him today. The only reason I can come up with is related to an article I read in the November issue of O magazine. On page 290 they talk about finding love at last. All of the couples featured in the article found love at later ages. The youngest couple was in their mid 40's while the oldest found love in their 90s.

I really enjoyed the article partly because in the last week or so I have gotten some peace with the whole single status. I think I finally realized and accepted (although it doesn't always make me happy) that there is absolutely nothing I can do to find love or force love. As much as it saddens me, there is a very real possibility that I may never find love. Again. After reading the article and learning that some in their 40s had never been in love, well, I guess I felt lucky I had found it once. It is hard once you know what you are missing, but at least I know I was lovable and capable of love.

So how does this link me back to my ex? Well, in the article there was a lesson called "Be Open To Reunions", meaning, be open to past loves. I guess I realized I don't ever want what we had again. I loved him and he loved me intensely. He treated me like a queen and for the first time I got to feel like a woman. But in the end, he didn't communicate with me. For me communication=trust. Without one, I can't have the other. I think this dream was just another layer of my psyche severing whatever link I may have had with him. In the dream he was once again following the wishes of his parents. I can't be with a man like that.

Yesterday I had lunch with the woman I share an office with and one of her friends. They are both divorced and remarried and talked of the struggles with those relationships. I rather flippantly made the remark that while they were lucky at remarriages, I couldn't even find one man to marry. Terri looked me directly in the eye and said,"it's because we settled for less than what we wanted and what we deserved. Don't make the same mistakes that we did. And don't think that love changes people or that you can change people. You can't. No one can." She admitted that if she had to do it all over again, she would not have remarried, no matter how much she loves her current husband. I heard the exact same thing from another co-worker today who married, divorced, and remarried.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know that I will ever find love again. But today I feel exposed again, forced to remember something that was both beautiful and devastating. I guess if we open ourselves to love again, we have to be open for either possibility.