Time to Reflect

Some days I am reminded of why I left bedside nursing.  It's not just being constantly exposed to horrible infections or back-breaking work, the work bruises my soul.  There is such a fine line between being calloused by the brokenness I see and feeling each and every blow that these bodies have been dealt.

Even in this job, seemingly removed from the patient side of things, I am still bearing witness to the worst moments of these people's lives.  What is a routine day for me is the one where their life, in many respects, ends.

There is a sadness that has fallen over our command center.  The seat that Deb sat in is empty and all of us seem to be consciously, or unconsciously, avoiding it.  The laptop computer still remains, but the person is missing.  I try to imagine what that is like--to have everything I have known and planned on, change in a heartbeat and then I want to forget.  Some days I am grateful for being alone.  While I would still love to fall in love and marry, in a sense, I am protected from this level of heartbreak.  He wasn't just her husband, they had literally grown up together.  They had known and loved each other more years than they hadn't.  All the dreams they had built for the future are gone.  There will be no grandkids for them to take joy in together or vacations, just the two of them.  No breaking of ground on their dream home for retirement or Alaskan cruises.  All that has ended.  I feel such a tremendous amount of sadness for her which makes all the other insults on humanity this week (suspicious death of an infant, several rapes, and an MVA so horrible that it literally crushed this man's head) worse.  There is a reason I left bedside nursing.  I still have my humanity and I can't separate what I see from what I feel without feeling like I have lost something of me. 

Long day

I'm sorry I haven't posted, it has been a rather traumatic week.  I can't go into the detail of it now because I am so tired and scheduled to return to work in little over 7 hours from now.  Nothing bad happened to me thankfully, but my co-worker, a woman I have known for years suddenly lost her husband.  He is the same age as my parents.  We worked side-by-side through our go live on Tuesday.  She left for home finally around 8:30 pm.  When she got home he was having some chest pain so he took a nitro and laid down.  She went in a few minutes later to check on him and he was having agonal respirations (medical talk for the "death rattle").  She started CPR, but it wasn't enough.  They brought him into the ED--the very department we had just spent the last 12+ hours of our day in.  She had just gotten home and a minute or two later he was gone.  I can't imagine anything worse.  What do you do when your whole world is flipped upside down and everything you have known is gone? 

Please keep her in your prayers.  I'm working another 12+ hour day tomorrow and will attend the funeral on Saturday.  Please hug and kiss those you love tonight and let them know what they mean to you.

I'm back!

My apologies, dear friends, for not updating.  It has been an extremely busy couple of days...and lots of fun!  Kris came down for our 1 year LID celebration.  For those that haven't followed this blog from the beginning, Kristen and I met through our FTIA yahoo group over a year ago.  We finally met in person last summer and now schedule mini-vacations every 6 months or so.  I LOVE that we always schedule our next get together on our perspective calendars in pen.  Because, as you know, once it's in ink, there is no going back:) 

She arrived late Thursday/early Friday in the horrible storm that came through in late afternoon.  And left yesterday early afternoon as another round of snow was coming through the area.

We had a great time shopping, eating, shopping, drinking Champaign, eating chocolate and now I am addicted to a new show thanks to Kris!  Thank goodness I can watch the remaining episodes on-line! 

It is just so nice to be able to share the ups and downs of this journey together.  Hopefully we will be in the same travel group when we get our girls because I suspect we will definitely be leaning on each other for support both in China and when we arrive home--at the very least we may be doing a parent swap in country! 

Total eclipse...of the moon

I hope you had a chance to the see the lunar eclipse tonight, but if not, let Bonnie tell you all about it...

Code Brown...aka Clean Up in aisle 5

In the hospital you will often hear different "codes" announced overhead.  It's a way of communicating information to those that really need it without creating a panic.  Of course, so many people watch shows like ER or Gray's Anatomy so they know that a code blue is announced when a person's heart stops or they stop breathing.  It's one of those drop everything and run codes.  We have other codes that we use that are not "official" and never get announced overhead.  One such code is a code brown.  If you haven't figured it out already, it means someone has had a bowel blow out.  Why have I told you all this?  Well, first, you need to thank me that I at least waited until well after dinner before posting. 

This whole IBS thing has me thinking about code browns and my nearest emergency exit ie. bathroom.  I've discovered that exercising and IBS don't mix.  I definitely am not doing the stairs after lunch and I am foregoing the treadmill for a while.  The track is still relatively safe and gives me some anonymonity in the event of...uh...a pre-burn event.  I think it is obvious that I really need to re-evaluate my diet.  As much as I hate it, I may have to decrease my vegetable intake as that seems to set me off.  A couple of weeks ago I actually went on a banana and rice diet just for some relief.  It worked, but that is no way to live.  I don't feel overly stressed right now, but I think that is certainly what started me off. 

There is a silver lining to my brown cloud, because our project is going live next week, I'm going to be working like a dog.  I will be working 12+ hours a day....but that means I get an extra day off!  Kris is coming down in two days (yah!) and I will have Monday off as well.  I haven't had 4 days off since I started this job so I'm quite psyched! 

Dirty Undies be damned

After taking a nice, long 2 1/2 hour long nap I am feeling energized and ready to tackle the emptying of the suitcases. After noticing that they have already broken the leather strap, the next thing I noticed was this nice little card tucked next to my dirty undies:

How special is that? This is why I have always put my dirties right on top. Why I decided to be a nice girl and put them in a ziplock this time is beyond me. And don't lecture me about how I should make it easier for them to their job...I'm a nurse, remember? A little stinky pants is nothing compared to the stink most nurses deal with every day on the job.

...or are you just happy to see me?

I know some of you out there may think you have the best Dad ever, but you are wrong.  I DO.  Every year for Valentine's Day (or as I am now referring to as Single Awareness Day) he buys my mother, his mother, my sister and me a bouquet of flowers.  I just assumed that since I was in Dallas last week that he would just save his money, but I was wrong. 

Yesterday afternoon this is what greeted me:

And yes, the balloon really is that big.  It's a good 3 feet tall and 2 feet wide at the top.  Since my camera is still dead and I still have not bought a new one, Michael was nice enough to snap a few photos. 

Can you believe that??

Pimped out...

...the blog, that is.  Evidently those classes last week were good for more than just building tables.  I learned a little about code and with a little hint from Kristen (check out her pimped out new blog!) I was able to take it to the next level.  I've pimped two blogs today and I'm ready to tackle more!  Actually, I downloaded someone else's template last night before I went to bed so if you saw it this morning and are now reading, you are now seeing two different templates.  Did I mention how psyched I am that I did this one all by myself?  I don't have any playful doo-dads to make the header sparkle, but hey, payday is next week. 

This isn't the only change I'm contemplating...I'm going to color my hair also this weekend.  I don't know if it was from being all cooped up last week or I'm just ready for spring, but there's nothing like the feeling of satisfaction you get from changing your look. 

Another random thought (thanks to staying up for the first time in weeks and a big gulp of Diet Dr. Pepper--yes, I'll be getting back on the wagon tomorrow) have you ever noticed how much Hal Holbrook looks like the theatre-lovin' muppets?  Let me know what you think...

Thank you!

Thank you so much to all those that congratulated me on my milestone yesterday. I know it was any other day, but it really feels good to have that year behind me.

I thought my head was going to explode yesterday after class. I stayed up until 11 pm studying, typing up my notes, etc. I even DREAMED about those stupid build tables in my sleep. Today was better. I like problem solving so our first exercise of the day was to correct all the mistakes that "someone" made yesterday after class. Surprisingly I was able to whip through those pretty quick. This afternoon I spent my time building a charting table called "China Trip". I was going to build a table about the dossier process, but I just wasn't ready for all the questions that the adoption subject brings up so I switched to what needs to be done prior to going to China...visas, passports, vaccines, etc. I think I'm getting the hang of things, but I don't trust that I will remember anything tomorrow.

Is it wrong that I am already in my jammies? Is it worse if I say I have had my jammies on since 5:30? I have to admit, this time around the trip has not been near as lonely. Actually, I've sought out the quiet. I'm not sure what has changed other than my soul is more settled. My mother is coming with me next month when I come down. That should be pretty entertaining!

After I posted last night, I went back and re-read some of my earlier posts. Have you ever done that? gone back and read old journal entries? It's pretty interesting. I'm glad I have kept up a blog. I know it's not often an interesting read, but that's ok. This is for my daughter's benefit and for mine. Someday she will know how much I longed for her and how I celebrated every little passage of time that brought us closer. I can't help but think and wonder about her and her birthmother...has she been conceived yet? born yet? What are her birthparents like? Are they married or single? Are they looking forward to her arrival or do they know what is going to happen next? So many questions with little hope of ever knowing the answer.

I watched the movie "Juno" last weekend. I really enjoyed it, and I appreciated that they show the struggles that both the adoptive parents and the birth mother have. Initially I was rather turned off at how perfect the adoptive mom was behaving--the pictures were arranged just so, she was dressed perfectly and was very careful at what she said. Half way through the movie I realized that ALL of us adoptive parents go through the same thing. None of us have escaped the dreaded homestudy visit and the crazed cleaning that preceded it.

I also appreciated the grief that was delicately expressed by both parties. You can tell that the adoptive mother had struggled with infertility and the pain that comes with it and the grief expressed by the birthmom upon the birth of her child. It was palpable and something that is often not expressed openly by adoptive or birth parents. Both sides are touched with loss and great job--just not at the same time or for the same reason.

You've come along way, baby...12 months to be exact

One year/12 months/365 days.

I finally reached my 12 month LID...I guess I'm sitting with the big kids now! When I first started this process and I encountered families that had reached and surpassed the twelve month mark, I was in awe. It's a rite of passage, a badge of honor and at the time it was a sign that you were more than half way through your journey and that much closer to your child!

For me it means I'm a year closer to my child and I'm happy to have this much time behind me. January was a rough month for me...kind of like the year leading up to my 30th birthday! Nothing really changed after my birthday, but I don't approach them with dread now. Actually, I look forward to them because I look forward to each new experience and I'm liking the change that maturity brings. I'm hoping the same is true with each passing month or year as I wait for MayLing. Each passing month doesn't mean the wait is less difficult or less painful, but I want to look forward to each new experience and the hope it grows me in some way.

In keeping with tradition...what the heck am I talking about...I don't need a LIDversery to have Chinese food. The locals recommended Pei Wei's Asian Cuisine, but I didn't know it was a chain and in some way related to P.F. Chang's. While it was good, I wasn't really excited about Asian Fusion food. Oh well. I shared my big news with a classmate that I have really gotten to know over the last few training sessions. As someone who lives an alternate lifestyle, I guessed that she would not be negative if I told her my choice to be a single parent. I guessed correctly and she offered any support that I needed. I felt I needed to tell her before class tomorrow (we work at distance campuses for the same company) because I'm learning to build code into a specific computer application. As part of the training and testing, we are required to build something we know well. Well, I probably know more about international adoption than anything else in life--at least until I develop some new hobbies. So, the news will be out amongst my little training group by the end of the week.

The weather has gotten cold in Dallas! Strong storms moved in during the middle of the night and the high today only got to 46*. How's that for bad luck? It's supposed to be cold all week with freezing rain by Friday.

And why do the Texans force corn on me every meal? I swear, corn flakes for breakfast and corn for lunch and dinner. Ugh.

Howdy, from sunny, warm Texas!

It's amazing that I can go from blustery, miserable 12* to 75* in the span of a few hours. The plane was two hours late...would you like to hazard a guess? It's not because of the winds. It's because they overbooked the plane and didn't have enough room for all the luggage. Evidently they also needed to take back some late bags so they needed to upgrade to a bigger plane. It looked like the same size plane I always take, so I think it may be a line of hooey.

Ok, so Kris tagged me for a new blogger quiz. Unfortunately since I'm not on my home computer (and therefore without a mouse), I'm not going to do this the way I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to list 7 weird/interesting facts about myself that you may not know. I've decided to kick it up a bit to let those at home play along.

1. I used to dissect dead stuff. It's true--but I never killed anything! I received my first microscope when I was 10 and moved beyond examining hair pretty quick. The neighborhood boys would bring big bugs or things fished out of the creek for me to look at under a microscope.

2. I carved my name into the Eiffel Tower. I'm not the kind of person that generally destroys private property, but I felt the urge to leave my mark on the world...starting with the Eiffel Tower.

3. I have extra holes in my head. It's a genetic thing--and it's a pretty cool party trick. I can hang earrings from the upper part of my ear. Evidently it's not limited to my family. When Rosie O'Donnell used to have a daytime talk show (back when she was nice) she showed off her holes. Maybe it's an Irish/Scottish thing?

4. I was an introvert, but I have become more outgoing as I have gotten older. People find this odd since I have the ability to talk to anyone and draw just about anyone out, but it wasn't always like that.

5. I have a torn retina that almost blinded one of my eyes. I'm not exactly sure what caused it, but the eye doctor said I had to have been hit really hard.

6. I love comb overs and mullets. A couple of weeks ago I saw an entire family of mullets--papa mullet, mama mullet, two young boy mullets and one 5 year-old girl mullet! I wish I'd had my camera...it was awesome! If you are sporting one, I can't promise not to point and laugh. Now you are warned.

7. I am bowel obsessed. But I'm sure you have guessed that already. It's partly being a nurse. People can handle pain, bad news, and crappy hospital food, but if they can't poop that's what they are going to focus on.

Ok, this one is your bonus question. You need to tell me the name of the person I'm talking about.

8. A couple of weeks ago I went to one of my local theatres and as I left the theatre to use the bathroom, I literally ran into a super model. I'm not kidding. Can you guess who it was? If you know where I live you might be able to guess, but if I don't get any good guesses, I will post a hint tomorrow. I will tell you that she is currently on a commercial that I guarantee you have seen (unless you don't watch TV).

CNY Traditions...a new look

SuFei reviews CNY traditions in northern and southern China and the age old question--are Beijing or Hong Kong men better husbands?

I'm hungry, but too lazy to go to the grocery store.  What's that say about me?

Happy New Year!

Ok, I think I will do this post in 3 parts...I might break it down into three separate parts because of the what all I need to say, so belly up to your computer and stay along for the ride!

Happy New Year!  I'm sure this is actually a post card for someone and I'm sure the message is something like "Happy New Year, JinLie"...who knows whose post card I just stole, but the sentiment is the same Happy New Year!!!!!!

Weather Woes

It has been a sucky week for weather!  My sympathy goes out to Angie whose home state was horribly struck by tornadoes on Tuesday, and Kris who is currently stuck in the house after 20 inches of white stuff has fallen (and not the stuff you snort, you sickies) and snow drifts have slowed things down considerably.  It's pretty bad when even the postman can't make it!

On Tuesday I was chatting with a friend before bed when I heard things hitting my roof.  Unfortunately, it wasn't because I had tree branches hanging over the house (my trees are cut back).  Things were literally dropping on my house!  it got so scary that I finally told my friend that it was time to hide under the covers and pretend it was not happening--again.  It shut down my electricity some time during the night and I didn't get much sleep as I was worried that I wouldn't wake up in time to go to work.  When light finally came, I did have have branches from other trees on my roof.  Today I learned the reason: there was a tornado touch down 2 miles from my house.  Explains why things were getting dropped on my house.  My poor yard is trashed.  I also learned that a town about 30 miles west of here was horribly hit--a tornado 50 yards wide went through the town knocking down houses, trees, and everything in between.  Evidently there were more things in trees than on the ground where they should have been.  There were injuries, but no deaths have been reported so far.  I would just like to know why I didn't hear tornado sirens?  I'm not that sound of  a sleeper!   Evidently living outside city limits has some drawbacks. 

Soulless piranhas or swimming with sharks?

 

I haven't talked much about my job, partly because I work in tech now and I don't want my co-workers finding this blog, but also because things at home have occupied a lot more of my emotional energy.  There is no question in my mind why I have suddenly had a horrendous IBS flare-up or why a blood vessel in my right eye keeps rupturing making me look like I have some sort of hemorrhagic fever.  The rupturing has occurred about every other week since early December.  I'm afraid to even tell my eye doctor about it.

I've been involved a project at work that is destined to fail.  It's a crappy product and nothing any of us do on this end can make it better.  Unfortunately, the vendor won't let us upgrade any of our other products until this piece of crap is updated, but the update they have given us hasn't been tried out by any other health institution in the US.  There was one other hospital that was supposed to go live a year ago, and scrapped the plan.  it just isn't well enough built, but regardless, we are going through with it.  On go live day it's going to look like that turkey on Christmas Vacation.  The bird looked so beautiful, but dissolved into a puff of smoke it was cut in to. 

I have felt like I have been set up from the beginning--I was brought onto the project in early December, even though they knew I would be out for several weeks for training.  It's worth noting that they have been working on this project since LAST spring and should have gone live last summer. I wasn't told exactly what to do or what they needed and I was excluded from all the meetings and weekly conference calls to the vendor until 3 weeks ago.  It's amazing that I did such a kick ass job without any input. 

I have kept the PM abreast of what all I have done (once she returned 3 weeks ago from her extended leave--it was the first time I had met her since I started my job).  Last Thursday my boss called a meeting with the PM and me to discuss my contribution.  Ok, that sounds ominous.  I ended up having to defend myself.  My boss wanted to know why I was so busy all the time (uh, because I'm testing 4+ hours a day on top of my regular duties).  She wanted to know why I was testing--uh, because I was told to (and I later learned from my preceptor that my boss DID know that I was testing and that she approved it!  Evidently my preceptor has written proof in the event I need it).  My boss and the PM also wanted to know why I set up a meeting with someone in another department about the product when the PM told me not to.  Uh, because I didn't.  The other department head set up the meeting and invited me (for those of you intimately familiar with Outlook E-mail you know what I'm talking about).   I told her I couldn't help her and forwarded the meeting invite to the PM.  On several occasions during the meeting my boss said to me "you are swimming with sharks".  I couldn't help but think I was probably sitting next to at least one of them. 

I was told that they didn't need me for any further testing and the only thing they needed was my workflow--which I could only partially complete until testing was done.  I made sure to explain this and then I completed the workflow like a mad woman last Friday and sent it off.  I get an e-mail from the PM on Tuesday asking what the state of the workflow was and where were the flowsheets (she used multiple exclamation points and unless I know you and am excited, I don't use multiples).  After feeling the blood vessel in my eye pop once again, I replied very nicely to her email telling her that I had sent her the present and future state workflows on Friday and that I couldn't complete certain flowsheets until we had decided something or tested it.  If that didn't meet her needs, I offered to meet with her immediately so that I could satisfy what she needed (get your mind out of the gutter).  I also carbon copied my boss.  I'm tired of this s***.  Hours and hours pass and she finally sends a really nice, sugary-gaggy-sweet email about how they couldn't have managed without me or my flowsheets.  It was, of course, also cc'd to my boss.  The following day my boss, who was out of town, emailed to say it was the best email she had gotten out of our town all day.  I hope she was being facetious. 

Well, the PM didn't invite me into any of the meetings this week or the testing so I don't know the workflow and now I need to have it completed by tomorrow.  I did drop in on one meeting today and I already solicited an invite to the workflow meeting tomorrow.  How asinine is it to not invite the workflow person to a workflow meeting?? 

It gets better.  The PM and one of the builders have nearly identical names.  All of us involved with the project were sent an e-mail detailing the workflow issues.  I thought the builder (a woman I trust and gotten to know really well) sent it so I emailed back:

I couldn't have said it better myself.  Thanks for doing that.  How are the meetings going this week?

Well, evidently it wasn't from the builder--it was from the PM, the woman that accused me of not doing the workflows and the woman that excluded me from the workflow meetings!  Woops.  I'm so glad I didn't make a nasty comment, which would be my normal behavior.

It gets better.  We are supposed to save all our documents on the network drive under our own personal folder.  It's like that scene from The Firm where they try to hurry and get copies of the documents made before the other lawyers and security know what they have done.  Actually, I guess it can be any movie where two parties are both trying to get to something before the other.  I suddenly realized that she could easily go into my file and alter or destroy those files.  I started making copies, sending them and all these emails to my home email address and saving things to my laptop's hard drive. 

So, now I at least have a record of everything--both in email and on here.  Hopefully that won't come back to bite me.  Until then, I am going to try to avoid swimming with the sharks and the piranhas. 

Healthier Habits

They say it takes 4 weeks to develop a habit, good or bad.  I hope that isn't really true because I'm really digging my new routine.  It's no secret I am a night owl.  I always have been.  I always will be.  I blame it on my mom for working night shift when she was pregnant with me.  It is truly painful for me to be up and alert before the sun is high in the sky. 

For almost a week now I have successfully gone to bed between 10-11 PM, but most nights I am tucked in by 10:15.  For those that don't know, I usually don't go to bed until after midnight and I get up at 6 am or earlier.  I am definitely one of those girls that needs 7 1/2-9 hours of sleep.  Even this weekend I was in bed by 11 PM all 3 nights.  Whoo hoo. 

My other good habit is drinking more fluids.  I am drinking 6-8 glasses of flavored water (baby steps, people) and I have actually been caffeine free for nearly a week.  This was not intentional, but I ran out of soda and since I wasn't terribly sleepy in the morning at work, I just stuck with it.  I really don't like relying on things like that--it truly is like a drug. 

As a result of going to bed earlier, I'm not watching my usually 3-4 hours of TV a week.  Last week I taped LOST and watched it when my mom visited Friday.  I have developed a new evening ritual that involves reading my Bible and journaling...something I haven't done much of in a very long time.  I want to record this time in my life--good or bad.  Someday I will be able to look back at it and see it through different eyes. 

Poor kitty

My poor kitty.  We have lived in peaceful coexistence for 8 1/2 years now, but we didn't really become buddies until I lost my job last summer and we spent lots of quality time together. 

I find myself talking to her more and more often, and last Friday in the middle of my IBS crisis I actually uttered the words "baby, you gotta move out of the way.  Mama doesn't want to poop on you."  In that moment I realized two things:

1. I hope I never actually utter those words to my child.
2. I'm ready for a kid.

This evening her stomach was bothering her because she ate something she shouldn't have.  As she was hunching her back from all the heaving, I started petting her back or just putting my hand on her back as she puked.  And this is coming from the woman who for years would gag and puke any time she saw one of her patient's puke.  Not only that, I was able to clean it without gagging.  Fortunately it wasn't too gross and there certainly wasn't any food bits in it.  That always makes me gag a little harder. 

Snow storm? What snow storm?

Yeah, so the snow storm of 2008 was waaaayyyy overblown.  It was funny because they had news teams down from the state capitol for the 10 and 11 PM news because evidently it was supposed to hit us first and worst.  You could just see the reporters were begging for one itsy bitsy snowflake the whole time the weather man was saying we were getting "dusted with snow at this time".  Snow, what snow? I didn't see any snow.  I went to bed and didn't see any snow, I woke up during the night to use the bathroom (ok, I actually woke up to check to see if it was snowing) and there was still no snow.  When I finally did get up in the morning, I could tell we'd had freezing rain during the night and I nearly broke a hip as I walked my gravel driveway to get my newspaper.  Yeah, the gravel was slick. 

Since I don't live in city limits, I was not sure if we would see salt/sand trucks or plows today and since I live on a hill I opted to wait before going to work.  Glad I did.  I got an email from a colleague stating that cars were sliding into each other while parked.  Yeah, unattended vehicles were sliding across our hilly parking lot into one another.  Lovely.  It didn't help that my IBS has been in high gear this week and was especially bad on Friday.  Not sure it was smart to navigate the slow, slick roads when I didn't know how soon I would get to a bathroom.  It worked out alright.  I had taken my laptop home from work and managed to work on my project and get it submitted right as it was due.  Whew.  Maybe I need to rename this blog to the IBS Chronicles?