Camera suggestions?

My digital camera hasn't worked well for nearly a year and finally crapped out for the last time this weekend.  Do any of you have suggestions?  I'm planning on having $600 to blow in May, but I'm not sure I will be able to live that long without a camera.  If you like your camera or don't, please tell me!

Bring it on...

This has been a rather "bring it on" kind of week.  Today, I read the forecast and throwing all caution to the wind said, "bring it on".  Of course, now I'm just hoping that none of my other trees come down.  Evidently we are expecting 5-7 inches of snow and ice.  Lovely.  Personally, I'm hoping for a snow day and a good reason not to go to work.  Unfortunately, one of my colleagues that works the ED has offered to pick me up.  Evidently he has 4-wheel drive and didn't feel I should miss any fun.

My plan to keep busy has certainly been working and is partly to blame for my long absence.  I actually woke up the other day and for the first time in over a year, my mind didn't immediately go to adoption or kids.  In fact, it was early afternoon before either thing crossed my scattered brain.  In a way it is sad because it feels like I am letting go, but I realize that right now I do need to let go.  I was holding so tightly to something that for now won't be realized.  Someday, yes.  But not now.  Waiting is a hard lesson to learn, but I think I am learning it.

I'm taking better care of myself.  Eating more fruits and vegetables, less crap.  Today I went through an entire day without any caffeine.  Under normal circumstances that only happens on the weekends.  I'm also going to bed earlier.  Two hours earlier, to be exact. Some nights I lay there for a good 10 minutes before falling asleep, but so far I have been out just about as soon as I put my head to the pillow.   The only problem with losing two hours of day is that I am now not exercising.  I've got to figure this out soon. 

This is the first evening I've had at home since, oh, Friday of last week.  I'm trying a lot of different things and getting to know new people.  It has really been good for me.

The other day I had dinner with an Indian couple that I am friends with.  I met her when I worked for Select and we have remained in contact since the closing.  It helps that she and her husband attend the same church as me.  Anyway, they asked Sunday if I would come over for dinner this week.  I love all kinds of food, but I especially love Asian foods.  Unfortunately the good ol' IBS kicked in the day of the dinner.  I was miserable at work, but I didn't want to cancel our plans because I so looked forward to spending time with them.  They had asked on Sunday if they needed to tone down the spice and I said "bring it on".  Yeah, I'm feisty alright.  Fast forward to Tuesday night.  The three of us enjoyed a wonderful meal.  Her food was spicy, but well within my spice tolerance.  It could have been spicier and I wouldn't have flinched.  Well, my tongue wouldn't flinch.  My guts were another issue.  We ended up talking for at least another hour after dinner, and by then the IBS had kicked into high gear.  My gut was sending out distress signals left and right and all the rumbling was beginning to resemble flatulence.  I swear I wasn't farting, but something inside certainly was.  At one point, the squeaking and squealing lasted ten seconds.  My poor friend...she asked, "Erica, do you need to use the bathroom?" 

I haven't been asked that since I was in grade school!  I guess I should be embarrassed, but after living with it for so long I guess I'm just used to it.  I decided it would be best if I departed quickly, but even that was slowed down.  When I had entered their house it was 53*, when I left it 9* and my car was coated in ice.  For the first time in my life, I saw lightening through the snow.  Yeah, life is crazy so bring it on.

Keep your fingers crossed and pray for a snow day!

Use your period for good...

Yeah, that's Tampax's new tag line...Tampax--use your period for good. Seriously? Do the MEN that dream up the ideas for these commercials have any idea what they are talking about? I view mine as a burden. A painful reminder of how something good can go terrible wrong and I've gone to great lengths to limit mine. You know why I don't dread getting older any more? My near-sightedness will improve (yay!) and some blessed day my periods will end.

Evidently Tampax is trying to draw attention to the fact that young women in Southern Africa (which part, Tampax? It's a big continent) don't have access to pads and tampons. As such, they miss school and I am assuming they perform lower than their male peers. Personally, I wish I lived in South Korea. Did you know that each month women across the country get to take a few days off when they have their period and they are not penalized. I wonder if I would begin having happy periods if I had 3 days off each month? Did you know that in many Native American populations menstruating women are considered unclean and they are not allowed to even be present for religious ceremonies? In the Old Testament women were set apart for seven days because they were unclean. Everything she touched, sat on or laid on was considered dirty for seven days. God help the man that attempted to "lay" with her.

Personally, I like the Always brand tag line "have a happy period".

Read on to see what this fictious writer supposed sent to Proctor and Gamble:

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my ‘time of the month’ is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Branch Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period".
"Are you f…..g kidding me?" What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep... Always.
Best,
Wendy Aarons
Austin TX

Here's hoping I sit this month out...

Rest In Peace

           1979-2008

I was a Heath Ledger fan and I was quite shocked to learn of his death this morning.  It appears that drugs may have played a factor in his death.  If so, I really hope that others take note and realize that life is brief and we must respect the limited time that we have.

I just learned from Kristen that our dear China coordinator is losing her job.  I will be reassigned my third coordinator since I started this journey.  Evidently the slowdown in China isn't just affecting the children in China and the adoptive parents.  Agencies are now being forced to re-evaluate the best way they can meet their clients needs and make budget.  Hopefully I will hear from her tomorrow and I can express my thanks for all she has done.  Because of the slowdown, I rarely ever inquire about the process, but we have bonded over photos and recipe exchanges.  I will miss her.

I am tired.  I suspect I am fighting an infection because I have been short of breath again.  And tired.  Very tired.  And cold.  Very cold.  I cranked up the heat in my office to what was probably near 80 or better and I was wearing a cashmere sweater AND a jacket.  Yeah, the thermostat is definitely off. 

But life has improved and is getting better.  It has been good to step back from the process and return to my normally scheduled life.  I'm spending time with friends again and trying to do things that make me happy.  I'm starting to make plans again--something I haven't done because I never knew when MayLing would be coming home.  It's been nearly a year and I'm not much closer so it has really freed me up to focus on other pursuits again.  I think this year is going to be a good year. 

Hope

 

I've heard this song before, but today as we sang in church it felt more personal.  I especially loved the lines

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

I just need to hang on and know that things will change.  My heart just needs to hold on. 

**sorry about parts of the video.  I really dislike the fact that every time he sings the word "fear" that they show pictures of terrorists.  There are far more things that are fearful that we see in our day-to-day life besides terrorists (well, in my life anyway. Maybe you do stay awake fearing them).  Personally, I'd say that some of our candidates for this year's election are more than a little scary. 

I'm tired

It's no secret that the past few weeks have been rather difficult for me and it has not just been the adoption slow down.  I have been under an incredible amount of pressure at work.  There is an upgrade project that was started a year or two ago that kept getting pushed back.  Finally the vendor we buy our applications from said "you either upgrade now, or you can't upgrade any other applications in your hospital system".  Evidently the system is like the game Ginga.  Each wooden block rests precariously on the other.  The one below supports the one above and the one above supports the next one up.  So, I was brought into the project in late December, long after most of the work should have been done, but wasn't.  The person that has been assigning me the tasks has never done anything like it either (which is why I can only assume I was pulled into the mess--so she can back out).  She keeps telling me all these things I need to do and increasing my workload daily.  I have to admit, I dread even seeing her because I know she is going to say "you know, I really think we should look at workflow for ....".  I missed all the earlier meetings were the work was defined and divided.  Most of the time they forget to include me on any conference calls or project meeting updates.  And oh yeah, we are going live in less than a month.  To say I've been stressed would be an understatement.  In the few meetings I have attended I have just felt the panic rise--kind of reminded me of walking into a geometry class when I am obviously an algebra kind of girl. 

I should also add that I have no experience.  I am RN, with a degree in anthropology with a focus in culture and biophysical--and I am now working in an IS department. 

But finally, yesterday, I don't feel so lost.  On Thursday I had even more crap added to my plate.  As a result I decided to meet with the integration person that is setting up the testing and the project manager.  It seems I am on the right path--it is the lady that keeps adding more to my plate that is off base!  Seriously, she wanted me to do workflow for the current application and then extrapolate what the workflow would be with the new upgrade.  How the heck can I do that when I don't even know what the back of the box says or how the users are going to apply it???  Exactly.  You can't. 

I'm glad that is cleared up.  Unfortunately I'm still going to have to work on it this weekend because testing begins Monday morning.  I'm sure I'll keep you updated on what has become the world's most boring blog.  I'm sure all you non-tech people think this is the most boring thing ever, but I AM HAPPY TO KNOW THAT I AM RIGHT, DARN IT!!!!!

Funny

While I don't approve of teaching kids to curse when they are only 2 years old, this is still pretty darn funny.

Random thoughts...

When I am stressed or upset I tend to spend more time at the gym.  I find the repetitive motion is very soothing, which is why repetitive motion treatments are so effective for agitated prisoners or psych patients.  Here are a few random thoughts about spending my evenings with the newly revived gym rats, the majority that will drop out by March 15th. 

• Anorexics.  They should be expected at any gym or health center--it's like finding pies at a bakery.  The other day one of the anorexics was using the elliptical machine next to me and I have to admit, I really admired her will power.  I was also somewhat disturbed when I saw the only part of her body that hadn't disappeared: her paid for boobies.  Yep, those monsters stuck out from her bony chest and I'm sure if I had felt it necessary I probably could have read the serial number like the blind read Braille.  I actually like working out next to them--I figure between the two of us we are probably a healthy weight so it's a win-win for both of us.
• Old men.  Is it really necessary to wear all your gold chains when you are the gym?  Really, between their "track" suits that don't fully contain their gray fur covered chests and their gold chains it is like "Sopranos: The Senior Years". 
• Old men II.  I really think you should spring for another pair of bike shorts.  Seriously, the spandex gave out somewhere around 1984 and their free ballin' ways are really grossing me out.  It's bad when you have to tuck your testicles back into your bike shorts.  If they are that long or your shorts are that short...you gotta snip one or buy more of the other. 
• Spandex.  Really?  Have you noticed that really, incredibly, got-greased-into-it tight spandex tends to have a reflective surface.  Nothin' like seeing your reflection on the ass of the pear shaped woman you are walking behind. 

Other random thoughts I have saved up all week:

• "Best Practice" has to be one of my least favorite catch phrases this year.  I heard the company lawyer say it several times at a meeting last week, and today I read where Dubya can't find some tapes of some emails or voice messages  that were subpoenaed for the White House leak that occurred in 2003 and 2004.  Evidently they were recycled and used over according to "best practice".  Isn't best practice just a lazy way of saying "I don't want to think too hard so I am going to do what everyone else is doing?" or in my mom's words "if everyone else was going to jump off the bridge, would you jump too?"  Best practice for who?  When did we generalize everything--this isn't fair and it certainly isn't the best practice in many circumstances. 
• And in a random thought that doesn't fit anywhere else I just wanted to say "Danny Glover, I'm so glad you are ok!"  For the last two years I have listened as his voice faded, his speech became slower and his voice took on a strange whistly character.  I was sure he had COPD or cancer, but if Sunday's Brothers and Sisters show is any indication--he just needed new choppers!  He was sportin' some new teeth in the latest episode and his voice seemed magically stronger and the whistle has mostly disappeared.  Glad you are back, Danny.  

How Mama got her groove back

Happy 11 month LIDversary to me (yesterday)!  I'm working on getting my groove back and I am starting with having fun!

Yesterday to celebrate my 11 month LID my BFF and I went to Indy for dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant.  Strangely, we don't have a 100% Vietnamese restaurant here, although some of the Asian (hate using a generic term, but it is kind of necessary here) restaurants in town do have a smorgasbord of Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, Thai...what else am I forgetting?  Part of having FUN is trying something new so new is what we got.   It was really good, but don't ask me what it was.  I honestly don't recall the Vietnamese name, but it was also known as #25.  Yep, I reverted to the number system.  I also ordered a #5 appetizer and a #1 dessert.  Actually, the appetizer was a soft spring roll and the dessert was a bananna frittata--yum yum! 

I had the realization yesterday that my nesting phase has gone on far too long.  Somehow the only thing I have gained is 40# and a bad attitude.  Well, no more.  Mama's coming out!  For fun, that is.  Don't want anyone in China (or elsewhere) thinking I'm coming out of anything else--not that there is anything wrong with that.  I have put my life on hold, put my finances on hold, and put my friends on hold.  I also realized that I never wanted to be one of those women that lost her identity after having children. But that is exactly what is in danger of happening if I don't get out there--I need to have fun, experience new things, meet new people and have a support system set up for when my daughter does come home.  I would be cheating not only myself, but her.  Who wants a boring mama?  Not me! 

I'm going to start volunteering at the Asian Culture Center.  In exchange for me teaching English as a second language, I will receive help with Mandarin.  I plan on joining a new Bible study for women this week that I think will be very good for me.  I'm also thinking of taking an exercise class at the gym or taking a class at the art center.  Yeah, I'm getting wild over here...try not to scoff.

And in parting tonight I want to share a little something that I'm sure most of you have already seen, but I just learned about through Kristen.

I was a huge Sex and the City fan, so this version of white Jewish girl in Beijing trying to find love is entertaining and rather heart-warming.  Enjoy! 

Better Day

Today was a better day.  I decided to put some things into practice that will take my mind off the whole China thing, or at least not focus on the negative.  Starting today, I am not checking my email in the morning before work.  Today it gave me a good start because I wasn't filling in my mind with all the negativity from the various yahoo groups that I am a part of.  In fact, I think I will probably go "no mail" on a few of them until I settle down.  I'm also going to limit my blog reading.  Those that I currently leave messages on while still be checked regularly, but not as obsessively as now.  I'm hoping a little down time and maybe some new hobbies will help.  I'm just not sure what hobbies to pursue.

Nothing does the heart good like spending the entire day in the emergency department and seeing people that are worse than you.  I don't mean that their physical conditions were awful, far from it.  Most of them had far more mental issues than physical issues, but I will share my favorite case with you.  Pull up your chairs, it's a doozey!  A guy came into the ER with the diagnosis of "bites over genitals".  Yeah, that's going to catch your eye. Evidently his testicles weren't just bitten, they were mauled by a dog.  The bite marks were quite deep and jagged indicating that he was not wearing any clothes at the time he was bit (he wouldn't confirm or deny it).  Here's the kicker: he doesn't own a dog.  While our community has been up in arms about out of control dog attacks, I really doubt I'm going to see this story in the paper tomorrow: Naked man's testicles attacked by neighbor's dog while walking.  I really did feel bad for him; I can't imagine how bad that must have felt or how bad it is going to feel tomorrow. 

The people in the ED really liked me and asked if I would consider working in their department.  If things don't work out in my department, I would certainly consider it.  It's been so long since I have done hands-on nursing, it would certainly be a challenge.  I like the pace and I like the teamwork and camaraderie that is at work in the department.  Because you are dealing with the worst things that ever happen to a person, your perspective does change and you don't get as upset about the smaller things--even if they do seem earth shattering.  And right now, I really need to change my perspective.

Because I desperately need a laugh today...

Sucker punched

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you've been sucker punched?  You know the days...you get up and step in cat puke with a bare foot, find out you are out of cereal, are late to work and get yelled at by a co-worker?  Yeah, those days.  I'm having one.

My morning ritual is to get up, pee, turn on my computer and check the CCAA website to see what progress they have made.  Well, guess what?  We can't do that anymore.  They are turning it over the agencies to notify us of the updates.  I emailed my coordinator and she confirmed that they (the CCAA) has indeed turned it over to the agencies.  In the weekly email update they will update if any progress has been made and I was assured that she would notify me personally once I made it through the review room.  Ok.  Part of me just wants to stick my head in the sand and pretend this (the adoption) never happened.  I don't mean that I wish I had never started, I just wish it wasn't constantly in the forefront of my mind all the time.  It's time to move on and entertain myself some other way.  It certainly didn't help that every China blog I checked was quite negative about the whole process and after the first few I just gave up.  The process isn't much happier in other countries either: Guatamala is shut down, S. Korea now has an extra 5/6 month wait tacked on to give Koreans a chance to adopt from within (which I doubt will happen since their views on adoption are the same as China--if you aren't blood, you aren't related and therefore don't receive the same benefits as a bio child), Russia also has a mandatory "cooling off" period like Korea in order to give locals the chance to adopt, Vietnam is having I-600 issues and who the hell knows with the rest of them?  The only stable looking one right now appears to be Ethiopia which on some level makes me wonder if I should become Moesha's Mama.  But my heart is still in China and I know my daughter is there so I will wait.

I'm tired as hell.  I have taken on a boatload of additional responsibilities at work, which is good, but I'm tired.  I will probably get about 50 hrs this week and this is on the heels of my boss tell us to watch our overtime and keep it under 40. 

It gets better.  Although I am feeling some pain from the day, I still have a spring in my step until on my way to lunch I run into a former friend (more on that in a minute) who announces she is 13 weeks pregnant and has to give me the lowdown on everything that has occurred since the last time I avoided her.  You may think I am heartless, but I am not.  She and I were as close as sisters, and it was a relationship that I thought would last forever.  It should have been a clue that I was always her emotional anchor and the one that supported her and not the other way around.  About 6-12 months before I began the adoption process I really evaluated my life and realized that I was emotionally supporting a lot of toxic people. They were sucking me emotionally dry and I didn't have any one to support me after their vampire ways.  Anyway, back to the story.  I thought we would always be friends...until a boy came into the picture. 

I watched my friend, a person I loved dearly, sacrifice all her values and ideals to get this guy that was really a creep and that treated her poorly.  Suddenly she couldn't go out because he might call and he would be jealous if he knew I was with her...what the heck???  He called me names in my presence and when I wasn't present.  That's ok, I didn't miss them because she repeated them to me!  It just went from bad to ugly and since I really don't keep more than one or two close friends it was devastating.  It was also on the heels of the break-up with the only serious adult relationship that I have had.  Guess who wasn't there when I needed her?  Anyway, it was a very painful and lonely year until Fall '06 as I was beginning the adoption process.  She wanted me to be her bridesmaid and I couldn't in good conscience do that---plus at that point I was still pretty angry and didn't want to spend $400 on a dress I'd only wear once for someone who was no longer a friend.  The day she got married I was at a required adoption seminar in order to get my home study.  She was mad and began telling people all over the hospital that we both work at that I was being unkind.  She even told my CEO!  I had strangers coming up and telling me I should give her a break.  Anyway, it was not a "good to see you" moment for me today but I played along.  I so badly wanted to say "I've been paper pregnant longer than you have", but who really cares?  She's so centered on herself it wouldn't have mattered.

I think watching her sacrifice everything to get this guy was a news flash to me.  I realize that even though I am not terribly old, I am older than the median age in my town.  I am 31.  I am also in a town filled with a bunch of gorgeous, loveable and very gay men.  The chances of me meeting someone nice, single and straight are about as good as me returning to a size 6 jeans.  As much as I want love and want to give love, it's probably not going to happen unless I want to go the same route she did.  But I remember how devestated she was by the things she was doing, and his obvious disrespect for her.  He didn't tell her he loved her until they got engaged...a full 18 months after they started living together.  I'm convinced the only reason he asked is because before they began living together she would drive an hour+ to his apartment and buy all his groceries, fix his meals, clean his house and take his clothes to the laundromat to do.  I'm just not willing to do that...it's one thing to give love, but at some point I would want some back.

Ok, so that one really hurt.  Then I come home and I'm ready to put aside the cares of the day, but I can't.  My yard is trashed.  Last week it was -5*, two days ago it was 65* with high winds and tornado warnings, and yesterday it was flooding.  Last night when I was home I remember hearing the wind whip around the house and a lot of racket from the storm but I didn't know it TOOK DOWN AN ENTIRE TREE.  Yeah, I have a huge tree down in my backyard.  The only good/funny thing is that that is one of three trees in a cluster that I have been arguing with my dad about taking down.  It landed only about 20-25 feet from my bedroom.  How did I not hear that coming down??

So my day has sucked.  I even went to the gym hoping the good endorphins would kick me into happy mode but they didn't.  And knowing that the next two work days are going to be loooonnnnggg, does not improve my mood much.  If you have a ray of sunshine to spare, I'd love to have one. 

I just can't help myself....we need to get the word out

Who do I look like?

Ok, this picture is 2 years old and 40 pounds lighter, but I'm not sure what is more shocking the fact that half of the people I resemble are dudes, or that half of them are Asian. When I had some DNA testing done a few years ago, it did show that my maternal lineage was of EuroAsian descent and that at one time (before Scotland) my mother's ancestors came from Asia--but I think that is the last thing people would guess when seeing me!

Interestingly, people have told me that I look like and have the sense of humor of Janeane Garofalo.

Waiting

Since December my pastor has been teaching from the books Matthew and Luke and focusing on some of the people involved in the first Christmas story.  More specifically how did God interrupt the lives of Zechariah, Mary, Joseph, the Shepherds, the Wise Men, Herod and even Simeon.  How did he communicate (dreams and visions mostly) with these people that Jesus was about to interrupt, enter and disrupt their ordinary lives?  And how does he continue to do this to us today?

Today he focused on Luke 2:25-40 and story of Simeon and Anna.  Both were elderly but were waiting expectantly on the birth of the Messiah.  They waited their entire lives to meet this one little person.  It really put things in perspective for me.   Yes, the wait will still be tough tomorrow, next week and next year but I will wait for MayLing for however long it takes.  If Simeon and Anna could wait their entire lives for someone they would only know a short while, I can wait a few years to know my someone special for the rest of my life. 

This was, of course, the abbreviated version of the sermon.  But I have felt like I had gotten something out of each one and especially as I have walked this adoption journey it felt even more specific to me.  If any of you are interested in hearing his sermons, drop me a comment with your email and I will send you the link.

Cheers and Happy Monday to all of you returning back to work after 2 weeks off! 

Crap in the News

First, a big fat CONGRATS to all those that became parents this week!  Yep, the CCAA updated their website on the evening of January 2nd (I love that they are 12-13 hrs ahead--we learn about the updates right before going to bed!) and they are matched through December 19, 2005.  They have officially become over 2 years behind.  People keep asking when I will travel to China--only God knows.  While I love to talk about MayLing and my anticipation of bringing her home--I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE WAIT!!!  Too many people ask and there aren't enough answers.  Really, I'm not angry or upset.  I'm just tired of repeating myself.  I've made peace with the fact that it is a long time, but my daughter is worth it.  I did check my math last night and there are 420 days between my log in and the current bunch of referrals.  They have been averaging 5-6 days worth of referrals each month which means I should have a referral in 5.8 years from log in.  The chances of this happening are really unlikely.  Even China has said they will be speeding up in the New Year, but I'm guessing, based on the recent referrals, that they are referring to their New Year and not ours.  Supposedly they are planning on referring 15 days a month which would cut my wait to 2 years and 4 months.  That would be pretty sweet!  

You all know how much I love my local newspaper and some of the wacky stories they put in there.  I'm not kidding, I really do enjoy my newspaper--I just think some of the their local stories could have used a little more editing.  Today's stunning headline:

IU Researchers: Serial Killers even                          deadlier than thought

Ya think?  After reading the article it makes sense, but that headline is just dumb.  Researchers discovered that serial killers don't want to get caught (which I think is opposite of what every crime show wants us to believe) and often pick targets that are less likely to be missed: transients, prostitutes, etc.  Since these people aren't trackable and few people ever report them missing, many more people are probably killed than what the killers admit to.  This is completely a hypothetical situation because I don't date criminals, but let's just say I'm dating Jimbo and he is supposed to report to the courts on Monday for beating someone up over a last 24 pack of Miller Lite.  If he gets killed on Saturday night and I want to report him missing on Tuesday.  I can't--he's considered a fugitive.  So, all those deviants out there reading this that are planning to rob the liquor store--don't get killed before you see the judge! 

I really have no idea why I find these articles this interesting. 

Hope you all have a pleasant weekend and stay warm.  I've been so freakin' cold the past few days.  I have dry skin on a humid day so you can imagine what the temps (and the indoor heating) are doing for my skin!  If anyone has any suggestions for chapped skin, please let me know.  My legs are chapped and red, my lips are chapped and red and yesterday even my eyeballs were chapped and red. 

Here's a picture of my fur baby who's also feeling the cold:

Poor thing...I think she is glaring at me.  She has an uncanny way of finding the warmest spot in every room.  

A Year in Reflection

Happy New Year! I hope this year is a blessing to all those who are reading for I know that most of you are in the same situation as I am--just waiting for your child to come home.

I have been waiting for nearly a year and if things had gone as they supposed to when I first began this process, I would have gotten my referral some time around February-April 2008 and I would have traveled within a 1-2 months following that. Any of you following the CCAA's website know that that isn't going to happen. They are now currently more than 2 years behind. But even with the wait time expanding even more than my elastic waist pants this Holiday season, it has still been a year of growth. It's interesting to reflect on where I was a year ago and where I might be in another year. A year ago today I was in Hong Kong following Chennie's beautiful wedding. I was looking around at all the people and realizing how adoption globalizes us all. This beautiful quote was sent to me by my mother by adoptive parent Isabella Rossellini:

Biological children bring the magic of your own genes, but adoption has the dimension of connection--not only to your own tribe but beyond, widening the scope of what constitues love, ties, and family. It is a larger embrace. If more people adopted, we would stretch past our immediate circles and, by reaching out, find an unexpected sense of belonging with others.

As I walked the streets of Hong Kong I found that to be very true. Our faces weren't that much different. I saw bits and pieces of people I have known and loved my whole life. We are all the same. And as I walked the streets of a city that wasn't my own I realized what an incredibly hard thing it is to hate someone. Once the realization struck me that we were all connected at some level, hating you becomes an exercise in hating myself on some level. I hear many adoptive and non-adoptive parents lambast China or the Chinese for the great number of children that don't have parents. How can I possibly dislike them when they are responsible for giving me family? And by giving me family, they in turn, become an extension of my family? These are my deep reflections as I look back on 2007.
As I look ahead to the New Year, I don't know what it will bring. 2007 certainly had a number of blessings (LID for China, new job and new friends) and challenges (prolonged illness from pneumonia, loss of job) but despite the good and the bad, I'm really no worse off. As I sit here in my new PJs, I am healthy, I am happy and I am still very blessed. While I know that MayLing won't be coming home this year, I'm still hopeful that there will be other great things happening in my life. One of the many blessings this year has been how much this journey has expanded my friendships. I have been so grateful for Kristen's friendship this year. I have been so glad to share this journey with someone else that recognizes the struggles of doing this alone. Having said that, this is the perfect place to insert the first half of Isabella Rossellini's quote:

My son, Roberto, is 14 years old. When I adopted him at birth, my biological daughter, Elettra, was 9. I wanted more kids, but I didn't have a husband or a companion at the time, and for years I wondered if I had the right to raise him without a father--until I decided it was better for him to have just a mother than to be an orphan.

As a single parent-to-be this has crossed my mind several times. I pray that my daughter doesn't someday hate me or regret that she wasn't adopted by the Smith's (fictional family) with their 1.5 kids, golden retriever, and 3 car garage. I can only be who I am--at this time a childless mother, but for her, a mother. I don't drive a fancy car, but it is paid off. I don't live in a big house--but it is comfortable and the neighborhood is nice. I don't have a husband--but I have great men in my life. I will give her everything that I can offer.

Ok, now I'm done with seriousness and if you are still reading, God Bless You! This is my longest post in a while, but something that I wanted to say.

I am an evil genius! I made mention of new PJs in the above monologue, and here is how I came into possession of these great new jammies. On the Sunday before Christmas my mom wanted to go to the mall to pick out a few things are Sarah. On my dear sister's list were PJs, which she seems to ask for every year. There were a number of really cute PJs but my mom and I disagreed over what we thought she would like. Mom wanted to buy something with snowflakes all over it and I wanted her to buy the turquise jammies with polka dot bottoms. I always pick out gifts for others that I like for myself. Of course, I always want to buy something that I think they will enjoy, but at least I am able to inject a bit of myself into the gift. Well, this is the first time it has really paid off. Sarah opened her Christmas gift and hated them. They were too long, she didn't like polka dots, whatever...she didn't want them. So as of yesterday I became the proud owner of new jammies. It may not seem like much, but mine were 3 years old and threadbare. These are winter jammies and designed to hold heat in so I should not get near as cold at night. Yippee!

My niece is now calling me Annie MooMoo (auntie em). It's so cute! This is the first time she has been able to call me by my name or come up with a name--everyone else is mama, daddy, oma and opa. My family nickname is Em, which is really better for little ones to try to pronounce. If you try to get a toddler to say "Erica" you hear some really interesting sound combinations. Hopefully Oma will send me yesterday's photos so I will have some to share with the rest of you!