Use your period for good...

Yeah, that's Tampax's new tag line...Tampax--use your period for good. Seriously? Do the MEN that dream up the ideas for these commercials have any idea what they are talking about? I view mine as a burden. A painful reminder of how something good can go terrible wrong and I've gone to great lengths to limit mine. You know why I don't dread getting older any more? My near-sightedness will improve (yay!) and some blessed day my periods will end.

Evidently Tampax is trying to draw attention to the fact that young women in Southern Africa (which part, Tampax? It's a big continent) don't have access to pads and tampons. As such, they miss school and I am assuming they perform lower than their male peers. Personally, I wish I lived in South Korea. Did you know that each month women across the country get to take a few days off when they have their period and they are not penalized. I wonder if I would begin having happy periods if I had 3 days off each month? Did you know that in many Native American populations menstruating women are considered unclean and they are not allowed to even be present for religious ceremonies? In the Old Testament women were set apart for seven days because they were unclean. Everything she touched, sat on or laid on was considered dirty for seven days. God help the man that attempted to "lay" with her.

Personally, I like the Always brand tag line "have a happy period".

Read on to see what this fictious writer supposed sent to Proctor and Gamble:

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my ‘time of the month’ is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Branch Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period".
"Are you f…..g kidding me?" What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep... Always.
Best,
Wendy Aarons
Austin TX

Here's hoping I sit this month out...