Decisions, Decisions

As a child I was plagued with indecision. Should I wear the blue dress or the red dress? Should I go to the park with a friend or shouldn't I? After I began traveling internationally as a teen without my parents I really came into my own and becoming an RN at the age of 19 also played heavily in my decision making. Lives depended on making split second decisions and making the right decisions.

I am so glad that as I have aged and matured, I doubt myself less and less. When I made the decision to adopt last year, I knew it was the right decision. When I shared it with people and they asked me if I was making the right decision, I didn't hesitate to say that I was. There is a grace in growing older and knowing that you are right. That's not to say that I win every argument I make, that's not what being right is all about. For me, I know that the decisions I make every day are the right ones. The only things I question at this stage in life are menial...did I spend too much on that chair? Should I have gone to Marsh instead of Kroger for my produce? I don't rethink or process things like I used to as a child or young adult. I know when I have made the right decision even when others may think differently. I appreciate the knowledge and personal experience that they are trying to impart on me, but Thank God I know myself well enough to know what is right for me.

Goals for the Week

I thought I'd put them in writing...who knows, maybe I'll stick with them this way?

Goal #1 Exercise 5 times this week. For some this may sound excessive, but until a year ago I ALWAYS exercised 5 times a week and that was with working full time, going to school part-time, church and volunteer activities. I really have no excuse at this point.

Goal #2 Weed my garden. We have had rain nearly every day for the past 4-5 days and it makes the weeds much easier to pull out. (the garden is looking great, aside from the wild violet infestation. My corn is 2.5-3 feet tall and my strawberries are really beginning to spread!)

Goal #3 Finish up the paint job in MayLing's room. My dad painted it top-to-bottom in March, but I was too busy trying to breathe to work on it for 2 months. Now that I am better (see goal #1) I want to touch up the spots me missed and work on the ceiling. After that I will get started on the wall motif (or pray that a friend wants to do it for cheap).

Heather, if you are reading this, what kind of paint did you use to paint your Seuss mural?

And when do I hope to accomplish these goals? I hope that they are done by Sunday at midnight. Now, the race is on and I am heading to the gym!

Cheers!

Fast Forward, Hit Pause

There are times when life flies by so quickly and I am oblivious to it. Lately I have become less dense and I feel like I am trying to hold on to each moment and appreciate them. Each Monday for the last 3 my alarm clock has woken me to this thought: crap, it's another Monday. Not that I hate Mondays, but the fact that another week has passed. Where did it go? What do I have to show for it? I look at each little thing as a marker of time, upcoming vacations, holidays, the growth cycle of my new plants and trees. Even the little outfit that I bought last week for MayLing. It is supposed to fit a 2 year-old and I know that time will get here much too quickly. I know people complain about the long wait for our children, and it is a long wait, but not that long when I think of the time that I will someday be able to spend with her. That time will fly by even more quickly. I bought a Japanese Maple a couple of months ago and the gentleman selling it told me it would take 20 years to reach it's full height of 8-12 feet. The first thing that came to my head? MayLing will be leaving for college just about the time the tree reaches maturity. My prayer is that I can appreciate all these moments, especially the moments of solitude for they won't always be here.

A referral...of sorts

I received the following "referral" from Kristen today:

Name: Vivian Calista
Date of Birth: November 24th
Length: 12 inches
Weight: ??

What do you think of my new girl?

Personally I thought it was hysterical! I called my new adoption coordinator to tell her I accepted my referral. It will take about 4 months to set up travel arrangement and appointments to finalize the adoption. The good news is that I don't have to go all the way to China for my girl. She will be coming to me! Thanks so much Kristen!

Six Degrees of Separation

Some of you might be familiar with this theory, but for those that aren't here it goes: Six Degrees of Separation is an unproven theory that any person on earth can be connected to another person through a chain of no more than five acquaintances. You may also know it by the game played in the 1990's "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" (because Kevin Bacon was in every stinking movie in the 90's and has worked with everyone--or nearly everyone).

By now you are probably scratching your head and wondering what this has to do with anything. Well, in the adoption world, quite a lot. A couple of weeks ago I was reflecting on how I blessed I feel and how much my life has changed over the past year without even having my child home yet. My circle of friends has grown so much! Since I began this journey I have made some incredible friendships with people that I would not have otherwise met. I met Sherry through work, but we actually began our friendship when I showed up to her daughter's coming home party/baby shower empty handed (her daughter arrived from Guatemala last August). Terri I met in Detroit when I was on a business trip. Instead of sitting with the Indiana people I sat at an empty table. Within a few minutes she sat down. She had also decided not to sit next to her Michigan crew. What are the odds that we would both find ourselves at the same table both adopting from China? And Kristen I hope you don't mind me sharing my version of how we met. First, I should tell people that I am highly competitive, it's what motivates me. When I applied at my adoption agency they asked what kind of personality I have and I put down that I am a highly motivated individual and work best with people that are equally driven. Well, they paired me with Kristina who might even be more competitive than me! I was determined to be the first single with a completed dossier submitted and Kristina was more than happy to egg me on. I had everything completed within a month of applying and was ahead of everyone else. Until I began the wait for USCIS (Homeland Security/INS) to run my fingerprints and send my I-171H. It took 11 long weeks. Well, in January (as I am still anxiously awaiting my I-171H) I see a post on our agency's yahoo group from Kristen telling everyone she had just submitted her dossier to China! Now, I need to remind everyone that Kristen and I did not know each other, this was just a competition I had developed in my head to motivate myself. So, like any good loser I e-mailed Kristen with congratulations. From there we began to e-mail each other frequently and from there long phone calls ensued. Had it not been for the fact that we were both adopting, I would never have met her and we have SOOO much in common. It would have been a shame if we had not met. And if I hadn't met her I wouldn't have met Heather, whom Kristen met at an adoption meeting set up by her social worker. What a small world!

MayLing's Closet

MayLing's new clothes.

Clothes that friends have bought for MayLing.

This is what I had bought for MayLing prior to last week.

I think most friends are surprised to learn that there is very little in MayLing's closet. By little, I meant that I had only bought 2 outfits for her since beginning this process last year. Terri sent me one outfit, Jennifer (the only other single mom in my FCC group) sent me a sweater, Kristen sent me a really cute sweater and has now given me an adorable dress. Prior to this I had bought MayLing a little silk pink traditional Chinese outfit while I was in Hong Kong and a little green pant outfit with a pink ladybug on it (I couldn't resist this one so I bought one for MayLing and one for Kristen's daughter). So, here are pictures of MayLing's closet.

What an incredible weekend!

Kristen, Heather, and I had lunch at the FlatTop Restaurant in Madison. Very good Asian Fusion type of place where you "make" your own meal and they fry it up for you. Pretty cool stuff.

Hey, we are expecting moms now...we can use the parking spot too!

Heather and Violet making sand angels in the volley ball court. Yep, it really was that much fun!

After our action packed couple of days, I've decided I'm out of shape. Seriously out of shape. I am so tired, but I had such a great time! Kristen was an incredible host...allowed me to play with her computer (which I am seriously missing since mine has only dial-up), eat all her chips and torment her cats. Yesterday we met Heather at a mall in Madison and spent the morning at a Build a Bear Workshop. I actually built a rabbit with big fluffy ears. You blow fluff in them and you put a "heart" in them as well. My bunnies heart beats if squeezed just so. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was really a lot of fun...probably the highlight of my day. We posed our bears and bunny together and had a lot of fun with them. I think it will be fun to have the adventures of the traveling bunny. Unfortunately I don't have any photos to share because Kristen is our photo guru. If you want to see the pics, click over to Kristen's blog (www.thisangelchildofmine.blogspot.com)

After bunny and bear making, we began shopping in earnest for all things baby: Babies R Us, USA Baby, Burlington Coat (also has a huge baby selection), Target, ShopKo, etc. We ended the day at an FCC picnic for the Madison families. There were probably 20-30 families there with lots of little kids! I got to play with Zoe, Violet, and Ruby....they were so cute!!! I can't wait until it's my turn. I realized that I will have to make sure that I'm not always in mommy-mode and remember to PLAY. Once I got in the sandbox with the kids last night, I didn't want to get out.

Busy, Busy, Busy

The fun continues today. We started with a lazy morning, followed by a vigorous taping session in the spare bedroom/soon-to-be nursery. We were smart and put a Kilz layer down first. In the afternoon Heather, another expectant mom to a babe in China, came over to help us paint. It went so fast having three people!

Tic Tac Toe on the old wall. Evidently Kris and I knew each other's moved and neither of us was able to win.

Almost done! Isn't it pretty!!

Me, Kristen and Heather enjoying the fruits of our labors.

....and speaking of fruit

Pictures, as promised

Kristen and I at Highway Harry's restaurant in Johnson Creek. It may only have 2,110 residents, but it was a happening place!

Osh Kosh was more than ready for us. Lots and lots of sales!

I never thought my cream and crimson ass would ever wear any other team's colors, but I guess I was wrong. Go Packers! Go Badgers!

It's all just too much!! I'm having so much fun!!!!

My favorite of today's purchases.

All MayLing's beautiful clothes!
Big Brown Betty. Janesville's oldest, famous and most respected cow.

http://www.roadsideamerica.com/tips/getAttraction.php?tip_AttractionNo==2447

I'm in Wisconsin!!

Yep, I'm finally here and it was so great to actually MEET Kristen finally (I'm actally using her computer to post this note). She shares her toys better than I do. I arrived last night 10:30 CT and we stayed up SOOOO late. She has definitely been a bad influence on me, but we both followed the rules (see Kristen's blog for a set of "The Rules"). We had a lazy morning start and went to the town of Milton and visited a great fabric store and even though I don't need fabric, I couldn't help but buy some. I bought a beautiful fabric that made me think of my Grandma Henderson. It's on a dark background with vibrant dragonflies. I loved her costume jewelry, especially her dragonfly broach. I'm dedicating this fabric to MayLing's quilt on behalf of Grandma, even though she is no longer with us.

As planned, Kris and I destroyed our wallets. Yep. It's official, I'm not cheap today! As I write this note she is in the other room taking photos of all my loot so we can post it shortly. We have taken crazy pictures of each other all day. Tomorrow we paint the nursery! I'm so excited to be a part of it since I was unable to paint my own nursery. It still bothers me that I missed that, but I guess this gives me a chance to experience for myself.

Leaving on a big jet plane

No, not really. I am actually driving to Wisconsin tomorrow to visit Kristen (see the blog to the right called This Angel Child of Mine). I'm so excited!!! Three days of baby related stuff with someone who knows this journey as well as I do. We are planning to paint her nursery and do some major damage to the wallet. I've been so careful to save my money through out this adoption that I haven't shopped or really bought anything for MayLing. Fortunately Kristen laid some ground rules and as long as I can fit it in the car, it's ok to buy it.

Today is my 4th month anniversary of my LID. I had actually forgotten about it until Kristen emailed her congrats. I think I've been so excited about going to WI and visiting her that I just...forgot. It's almost a small blessing to forget these milestones and so sweet to be surprised in such a way...like a surprise birthday party. The birthday still comes along each year, but the surprise parties are far more rare.

The tattoo is looking better. It's far less red and I've decided that it was probably the lanolin in the Lubriderm that was making it so red and irritable. It always seemed to feel worsen after lotioning. I once used baby wipes to clean my hands and I remember thinking that it really burned my skin and I couldn't understand why anyone would put that on a baby's butt. So, no more Lubriderm and it started to feel better. It's beginning to peel and it's really strange to see chunks of blue skin starting to fall off. Yep, I look like a Smurf with Leprosy.

CCAA Updated Site

In my excitement last week I forgot to tell those of you that are following along at home that the CCAA updated their site on Wednesday. That's right, we got referrals! Last month they only processed 2 days worth, but this month they managed 6 days and all indications are that the next load of referrals will be larger.

Tattoo Time!!

I am officially tattooed! I received a call from Rob (my artist) as I was leaving work Friday. He was able to shrink down the design to half it's original size (thank God!), but because it was so much smaller he didn't have needles small enough to put it on the skin. Fortunately his dad is one of only 2 in the state that can create small tattoos so Bob (his dad) was assigned to ink me.

Over the past few weeks I've asked a number of people that have tattoos if they hurt and each one said 'no'. That sounded like absolute crap to me. You can't tell me that being poked repeatedly with a needle doesn't hurt. It wasn't so bad that I wouldn't do it again, but I will tell you that having a tattoo over part of my hip bone did hurt. Each time it began to vibrate over the bone, I could feel it all the way down my leg. Most the rest of the tattooing didn't hurt and after a while the endorphins kick in and you think you can lie there for hours. It started feeling like someone was touching a sunburn. Bob said I didn't really bleed, just some serous fluid leaked from the capillaries. It did start feeling painful a few hours after the tattooing, but I think that because of my allergies, my body is reacting to it. It was a giant white hive for a 1-2 inch diameter around the tattoo. Today it is starting to get red and a bit warm. I'll keep an eye on it to make sure I don't react to it. I may have to wear dresses the next couple of days so I don't have things rubbing on it and irritating it more. Evidently scabs are the enemy so I am supposed to moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!!

No Tattoo Yet!

I was really hoping to have my tattoo by Wednesday, but evidently my artist has gotten quite busy! He didn't like his initial drawings so he went back to the drawing board today. He called me this afternoon and I went out to look at it. I was pretty happy with most of it, but I didn't like one aspect (I think I insulted him because he really thought the one that I disliked was the coolest part of the tattoo). Anyway, I asked him to remove that part and size it down a bit. If he is able to resize it he will call me tomorrow. Otherwise, he will have to ask his dad to do it because his Dad uses smaller needles and can create smaller tattoos. I'll keep you updated, but I don't think I will be posting photos of it on here...not exactly sure of where I am going to put the tattoo, but I'm pretty sure it will be in area that doesn't get a whole lot of sun and is not visible to everyone I meet!

Congrats to Kristen on her last day of school! Will you be having a little celebration Friday night?

Humbled

Chinese Double Happiness Sign
Since God has lead/forced/encouraged me down the adoption path, I've had two primary concerns as a single parent:

1. Can I really do this on my own?
2. How am I going to find the money?

The answer to question number 1, is no, I can't do this on my own. But fortunately I have some really incredible friends in my life. I am fortunate that they have embraced this journey with me. In addition, I have developed an incredible group of friends both inside and outside the adoption circle that are happy to travel the road with me. Not only that, but many of them want to be involved after MayLing is home! How great is that?

The answer to the second question was much harder for me to figure out. Today I had my "ah ha moment" when I was speaking to my mom. When I started the adoption process I knew it was a God thing because it was absolutely the wrong time for me to be spending money. I had just bought the house and in addition to a mortgage I had a home improvement loan and a loan for the new heating/AC I was forced to purchase. Even before I began the process, I had no extra money. This has been the biggest stress of the process. Today I came home and found a letter from an organization I had requested an adoption grant through 6 months ago. I really didn't expect to receive one since I am single and this appeared to be a rather conservative organization. In addition, they required a letter from my pastor and he refused to write one. In the end, a couple friends of mine from church wrote it and he vouched that he knew them (that situation still boggles my mind--all they wanted to know was that I regularly attended church, not my favorite color or shoe size). However, here it is and they have already forwarded money to FTIA to credit towards my account! I've been praying so hard about something else thinking it would ultimately help with my adoption, only to have God hand me the money! Mom said, "Maybe this is your sign that He does hear your prayers. Maybe this is His way of getting you to let go and trust him for your needs instead of thinking other people would come through." Maybe Mom is right. This process has been so humbling...being forced to trust God, being forced to allow others to help me. It truly has been a humbling, growing experience.

Just another little blessing to report...on Saturday we had some nasty storms that knocked out power and trees in my neighborhood. The only thing broke around here was my new phone/answering machine. It just refused to ring. Tonight we had another nasty storm and the power was knocked out again. This time my ringer is working! How weird is that?

Fabulous Week

I have just had a fabulous week! No, really I have. Let me start with last night....after talking to everyone I know that has a tattoo, I narrowed the stylists/artists down to 2. I went to the first shop (the most highly recommended and the only one that still wins awards for his work) and was really impressed. Although it smelled faintly of smoke (duh, it is a tattoo joint even if we have a smoking ban in place in B-town) it was exceptionally clean and nicely decorated. I expected to see biker dudes loitering in front like they do at Big Red's Genuine Tattoo Parlor, but thankfully I was the only customer. I spent at least an hour or more talking with Rob, reviewing what I wanted, looking at his work, reviewing his experience and cleaning techniques. I must say, I am impressed. Today I dropped off the copy of FTIA's logo (the globe with kids around it) and MayLing's Chinese name. He said he would have a draft available by Tuesday so I will call him back then. If he's done and I approve the design I will get tattooed Tuesday night! If not, I have to wait until the next day. I can't wait!!!

I just had the best conversation with my mother yesterday afternoon. She called me while I was on the road returning from Daviess Co. (trust me it helps to talk on that road...it is a really long drive and dull if there is no traffic). She told me how she had been thinking about MayLing and how she couldn't wait until she was placed in my arms, that we would both finally be "home". Someone at her work place asked if she would be able to love her new grandchild. We weren't sure if it was a racist comment or if the person was suggesting that a second grandchild would get less attention than the first. Whatever the intent of the question my mother said, "Of course we will love our granddaughter! We already love her so much." It's always amazing to me that my family or friends can feel as strongly about my daughter as I do. I guess every mother wants her child to be loved and I am so blessed that my daughter will be smothered in it. What was so interesting about our conversation yesterday was that I too had been thinking about the big day when MayLing will finally be in my arms. We both wondered if something significant was happening that day (maybe she was conceived?) Each time I think of it, I tear up. I know that when she is finally next to my heart I will weep. I think I will probably weep each time I look at her for the first few days. When my mother told that she thinks of that moment and gets weepy, I got weepy all over again! So there we were 2 weepy women on the phone. It's worth pointing out that neither one of us is particularly weepy. I live with the knowledge everyday that I am going to have a child. It is so imprinted on my heart and brain (and soon my skin) that I can't not think of her. Some days I feel like I need to pinch myself. I'm going to be a mom! I don't know if all mothers appreciate this the same way, but as a single woman with serious fertility issues I feel incredible blessed to mother a child.

Another fabulous moment yesterday...I got a bonus! I had applied for a bonus 3 months ago and never expected to receive one. Not only did I receive a bonus, but I was awarded the full amount! The only down side is that they took 40% in taxes. How is that possible? I got little more than half of my bonus. I'm sad about that, but it is still more money than I had a few days ago!

This spring I set forth 2 fun goals for the summer. 1) Get a ride in a jeep. 2) Get a ride on a motorcycle. Without even sharing these goals with friends, Kara offered me a jeep ride about a month or so ago...talk about an awesome afternoon! And Tony bought a motorcycle 2 days ago. I can not wait to get a ride on his bike...it is beautiful--all chromed out. So it looks like my fun goals will be met.

I was hoping to mow my weeds tonight, but it is raining. Looks like I'll be forced to mow tomorrow during the high heat of the day. Don't bother telling me the weather should be cooler tomorrow. Hot is hot. Any time I am in direct sunlight and it is over 65 degrees, I'm sweating. Even though I complain, I am always happy with the way it looks afterwards. Maybe I can work on landscaping some tomorrow as well.