The Terminator

Most of you have probably figured out by now that I'm a little ornery. I tend to walk the line between inappropriate and...well, I'm not sure what the and is, but I thought you might enjoy this story.

For the most part I really enjoy my co-workers. There are a couple that I'd gladly tell to take a hike, but for the most part they are pretty cool people. On Friday I went to work at my usual butt-crack-of-dawn time and the lights weren't even on in the building (no, I'm not a morning person but it allows me to get a parking spot within walking distantance and I get out earlier too).

As I got off the elevator I noticed two of my co-workers talking by the glow of the emergency lights. They were asking me how mom is doing (awesome, by the way. The crazy lady walked 3 miles today), but I couldn't concentrate on what they were saying because as they were talking I saw the biggest hairy-ass cockroach scurry between us the run under the office door of the other Erica. I really didn't even think, I just unlocked her door and stepped on the darn thing before it could scurry any further. Although I had a nice satisfying crunch when I stepped on it the dumb bug wouldn't die. It's antennae were still whirling about trying to do whatever cockroach antennae do. Standing there with this massive (it was 1 1/2 inches, I tell ya) cockroach I had a bright idea. I grabbed a Post-It note wrote "Happy Birthday" across it and placed it next to the sticky bug. Since it was her 40th Birthday I thought she would get a kick out of it.

Yeah, she did. I think there was a little fast stepping when she first laid eyes on it, but ever a tough chic, she didn't scream. That stupid bug had actually crawled another 6-8 inches away. Realizing the gig was up, I grabbed him with a tissue and had my second bright idea (I'm a firm believer in recycling, even if it is recycling a bad joke). I went into the hall bathroom and tried flicking him off the tissue and into the toilet bowl. After the third flick I realized he was probably going to land in my hair rather than the toilet so I laid him gently on top of the water. And I didn't flush.

I like to refer to hall toilet as the dumping toilet. Since ALL but one employee has their own toilet in their office (see the bathroom humor post about a week or so back for more info) there is really no reason to use that toilet unless you are going to take a crap and don't want any of the neighboring offices to hear you.

Well, I got the other Erica again. She went in to take her morning dump and there he was, floating on top of the bowl looking bigger than ever and with his antennae still twitching. I wasn't on the floor when she went in, but I would have loved to have seen her face when she dropped her drawers, lowered her butt to the bowl and saw that stupid bug still twitching away.

It wasn't long before the story got around the hospital. The pharmacists started calling me "The Terminator" and a couple of people told me that they'd had a really bad day, but every time they thought of that cockroach they would start to laugh. I called Mom to tell her about it on Friday night we were both laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. The poor woman probably stressed her internal stitches after the laugh we had. It was awesome, but I'm betting those of you that are reading are not getting near the enjoyment out of it. Even as I write this story, I am laughing. That bug had 9 lives!