The Terminator

Most of you have probably figured out by now that I'm a little ornery. I tend to walk the line between inappropriate and...well, I'm not sure what the and is, but I thought you might enjoy this story.

For the most part I really enjoy my co-workers. There are a couple that I'd gladly tell to take a hike, but for the most part they are pretty cool people. On Friday I went to work at my usual butt-crack-of-dawn time and the lights weren't even on in the building (no, I'm not a morning person but it allows me to get a parking spot within walking distantance and I get out earlier too).

As I got off the elevator I noticed two of my co-workers talking by the glow of the emergency lights. They were asking me how mom is doing (awesome, by the way. The crazy lady walked 3 miles today), but I couldn't concentrate on what they were saying because as they were talking I saw the biggest hairy-ass cockroach scurry between us the run under the office door of the other Erica. I really didn't even think, I just unlocked her door and stepped on the darn thing before it could scurry any further. Although I had a nice satisfying crunch when I stepped on it the dumb bug wouldn't die. It's antennae were still whirling about trying to do whatever cockroach antennae do. Standing there with this massive (it was 1 1/2 inches, I tell ya) cockroach I had a bright idea. I grabbed a Post-It note wrote "Happy Birthday" across it and placed it next to the sticky bug. Since it was her 40th Birthday I thought she would get a kick out of it.

Yeah, she did. I think there was a little fast stepping when she first laid eyes on it, but ever a tough chic, she didn't scream. That stupid bug had actually crawled another 6-8 inches away. Realizing the gig was up, I grabbed him with a tissue and had my second bright idea (I'm a firm believer in recycling, even if it is recycling a bad joke). I went into the hall bathroom and tried flicking him off the tissue and into the toilet bowl. After the third flick I realized he was probably going to land in my hair rather than the toilet so I laid him gently on top of the water. And I didn't flush.

I like to refer to hall toilet as the dumping toilet. Since ALL but one employee has their own toilet in their office (see the bathroom humor post about a week or so back for more info) there is really no reason to use that toilet unless you are going to take a crap and don't want any of the neighboring offices to hear you.

Well, I got the other Erica again. She went in to take her morning dump and there he was, floating on top of the bowl looking bigger than ever and with his antennae still twitching. I wasn't on the floor when she went in, but I would have loved to have seen her face when she dropped her drawers, lowered her butt to the bowl and saw that stupid bug still twitching away.

It wasn't long before the story got around the hospital. The pharmacists started calling me "The Terminator" and a couple of people told me that they'd had a really bad day, but every time they thought of that cockroach they would start to laugh. I called Mom to tell her about it on Friday night we were both laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. The poor woman probably stressed her internal stitches after the laugh we had. It was awesome, but I'm betting those of you that are reading are not getting near the enjoyment out of it. Even as I write this story, I am laughing. That bug had 9 lives!

SuperWoman

I have always teased my mom for being so strong. "Freakishly" strong is usually how I describe her. I have to admit, I was really dreading what she was going to look like post-op. I've had surgeries, actually I've had a handful and I've cried before and after every one of them. I hate them and I'm sure I was projecting some of what I was feeling on to my mom and I just hated that she had to go through it. Unless someone has had surgery, they have no idea what it is like. I hate the thought of being knocked out....and then what? You wake up knowing some sort of trauma has occurred, but you are so snowed by the drugs you can't put two thoughts together, you are scared, you are in pain, everyone talks too loud, the lights are too bright and I'm always puking. I didn't want this for her. Well, I needn't worry about it. She is definitely retaining her SuperWoman title. I've told her and I've told my Dad (I doubt my mom actually believes me), but she has recovered amazingly well. I'm a nurse and I've NEVER seen anyone recover from that surgery that quick. I've taken care of women that had vaginal hysterectomies that took 3 days for them to get to the place they were walking. Within 8 hours of surgery she was insisting on fluids and wanted to sit on the side of the bed and practice standing. Within 24 hours of surgery, she was walking, eating solid foods, using oral pain meds. She's amazing and I want to thank everyone that prayed for her. I'm simply blown away by how good she did and continues to do.

And for whatever reason I can not get the photos of my mom load on here tonight. I'll see if they can send me copies and hopefully I can post them tomorrow.

Thank you everyone that sent good wishes and prayers her direction...she is obviously better for it!

Doing Good

Just a quick update to let everyone know that Mom is really doing well. The surgeon was very encouraged and surprised to learn that the cancer/tumor was not as big as they originally thought. Thank you, Jesus! She thought everything looked really clean, but couldn't say for certain until the pathology reports came back.

It was a little scary to see her in so much pain and confusion post-op. The drugs have certainly done a number on her! By this evening she was semi-alert and talking. She asked the nurse if she could get up and they were all amazed that she was in such a hurry to get up and start moving. After standing and proving to herself and others that she could she promptly told us all "goodnight, time for bed" and she checked out for the evening...at 7 pm.

My mom wants to have photo documentation of the entire process so she asked the surgical team to take pictures of her in the OR before they knocked her butt out. She has this really incredible picture of her standing next to her OR bed and in between two hot, but gowned and gloved men. She looked like she was getting ready to get on a carnival ride--she had such a goofy smile on her face! At the time they took the photo she was drug free. I will try to post that photo tomorrow.

We have certainly appreciated the prayers. She said she wasn't nervous going in and the pictures certainly prove it.

9:30 AM, Tuesday, June 24th

I wasn't sure how to title this post.  I kept vacillating between the date and "The Longest Summer Ever" even though I know it is still only June.  For some reason the last four weeks of my life have absolutely dragged by (drag, drug ? not sure the verb tense). 

My mom's surgery has been moved up to 9:30 and while this may sound like a strange request, I'm asking for everyone that reads this blog between now and then to send a prayer or a thought her direction.  Better yet, share it with your friends or post a message on your blogs asking for prayer. 

I will be keeping this blog updated and my dad will keep her blog updated (yes, the Mad Mama's mama has a blog) as long as the hospital has free Internet service. 

We are hoping that she will soon be able to wear the "Survivor" bracelet she bought right after the diagnosis.  In the meantime, we are going to try and have some fun with this (yes, I know, how can we possibly think there is fun in this--but you would have to know my family to understand.  This is just how we cope). 

My mom has always been the healthiest person I know.  She never gets sick.  Never stops working.  She's the freakin' Energizer Bunny and I've grown up hearing her say to both my sister and me "I don't know why you two are such weenies.  I come from strong people" or "are you sick again?  You didn't get that from me".  Yeah, peeps, she is tough as nails.  I'm pretty sure she will be able to out-run me, out arm-wrestle me for years to come--so the fact that we are going to see SuperWoman appear to be human for a few days is quite an amazing thing.  Scary, for sure, but we all plan on taking advantage of it.  I'm thinking we are going to have contests on which of the three of us (my dad included) can hit the pain pump button the most on her behalf, or bet on the number of staples on her belly, or help her to the toilet (I'm thinking that one will be a game of 'who touched her last?'). 

I hope that you will keep my mother and our family in your prayers over the next couple of days. 

Bathroom humor

I think I'm going to have to start shutting my door at work when I have to poop.

Ok, let me back that up and explain.  The building I work in is a converted nursing home so my office used to be a patient's room.  Actually, two patients.  As such, I have a bathroom in my office.  Sweet, right?  Not quite. 

I have IBS.  That is no mystery.  I have to poop a lot.  And usually with very little "wait and see" time.  And I'm sometimes loud--especially if I had the lettuce off the salad bar for lunch.  The door to the bathroom is next to the door of my office which exits out into the hall.  Because these used to be patient bathrooms, they aren't exactly sound proof.  Truth be told, you can hear better sitting on the can than any place in the building.  I can hear the guy in the next office also sitting on the can.  I can hear the people in the office across the hall whispering.  I can the meeting being held at the end of the hall.  So if I can hear all that...can they hear me?

The answer is you betcha!  My office mate is out all week for training (not that my bowel issues bother her at all), but as I was coming out of my bathroom the other day following my first post-lunch dump, I see two help desk employees sitting in my office waiting for me.  You've got to be kidding me!  So, the whole time I'm taking care of bidness, they are listening in absolute silence.  They could have knocked, they could have started talked amongst themselves, but nope, they were there for the whole show. 

Unfortunately this isn't the first time this has happened.  They sneak in like rodents waiting for me to exit my throne.  So, do I need to start shutting my exterior door every time I go?  Perhaps.  Of course, that's like hanging a sign on the door that says "Go Away.  I have to poop."  Plus, since they are usually there there to replace or repair my computer equipment (and it is so darn hard to get them over there) I don't really want them to turn and leave. 

What do I do?  Before long the entire department is going to know of my personal bowel issues. 

A short letter to my local USCIS office:

YOU SUCK.

Sincerely,

Mad Mama

 

Ok, those of you that have known me for the past couple of years and have watched my many twists and turns through adoption-land, know the trouble I have had with my local USCIS office. 

About two weeks ago my coordinator emailed me to check on the status of my new 171H.  Oops, I'll get right on that.  The homestudy was done, I finished that a few months ago, I was just lazy about making copies of the rest of the stuff.  So, two weeks ago and with 6 weeks left until my expiration, I mailed my stuff off.  I received a letter today from the USCIS office and I stupidly hoped that it was my fingerprint appointment.  Now why would I have such a stupid thought?  They want more information.  Evidently they LOST the home study update that was sent in late April/early May.  What the hell?  So now I have less than a month before my stuff expires and I'm hoping they won't lose anything else.  I've contacted my home study peeps and I'm sure she will mail it off tomorrow or the next day.  Let's hope nothing else goes missing from my file.

Oh, but the good news is that I finally made it into the Review Room!  Whoo hoo!  That's pretty exciting and if I hadn't spent all night barfing, I might actually be a bit more psyched, but I don't want to mess up the tummy.  Let's just say I won't be eating hamburger again for a while.  Ugh.  The thought of that makes me want to puke all over again.  Unfortunately I have an aversion to puking in toilets (why would you stick your face where you normally poop?  I don't get it.) which made for a real messy clean-up.  I wish I could have called my mama for that one!

I ventured out this evening because I wanted to test if I was strong enough to return to work tomorrow.  I drove to the gas station because my gas light was on and I desperately wanted some 7-Up.  I look like hell, I know that.  I'm pasty white, nearly gray.  My hair is short and sticking up all over, my breath smells like puke and I'm wearing yesterday's undies and my jammies.  Yeah, so I'm looking pretty hot.  The guy behind the counter is Indian and says to me "very pretty picture, your license."  Are you freakin' kidding me?   I respond "yeah, I look a lot better when I don't have the flu".  I look like crap, my voice sounds like crap, and I smell like crap.  Yeah, it's a good day.  Can't wait to go back to work tomorrow... 

Happy Father's Day

...from my grill to your's. 

  I know there are a lot of single ladies out there being both mom and dad to their kids.  I celebrate you along with all the dads today.  Happy Father's Day!

Thoughts of my daughter...

Yesterday I celebrated (?)/remembered/pondered/marked the day I logged my dossier into the CCAA.  Yes, it has been 16 months.  I assume that people think I have just moved on, but I haven't.  I think of my daughter every day.  I miss the nights where I dreamed of her.  When I saw her face and smelled her skin and watched her grow.  My sweet, sweet child.  I feel I have known you for so long now.  Your name is always on my lips and it is all I can do to hold it back.  My co-workers don't know of you, but I find myself catching myself before blurting "MayLing" or "My daughter...." You are my little miracle.  My gift from God.  The child that opened up my life and rocked my world.  Without even seeing you, you somehow turned my heart from stone to the softest suede.  How did you do that?   I imagine your personality and every time I think you are going to be my wild child--a child of all heart and soul that challenges me and my notions of right and wrong.  I can't wait to learn what you are going to teach me.  Until then, I pray every night that God give me just a little more time with you.  Those moments when my dreams seep into my reality sustain me in ways I can not express.  I remember the feeling of your skin against mine--oh, how it felt so real!  I could still feel you when I awoke and the emptiness in my arms felt strangely awkward.  Sweet dreams, baby girl, until we meet again in twilight. 

PSA

While there are a lot of male bloggers out there, adoption blogging still remains a woman's domain for the most part.  I have learned that I have a couple of men that follow my blog and as one woman told me why her husband reads "he thinks you're funny".  Michael reminded me this weekend that it has been a while I have had a poop story and while I probably have some butt-ammo on that one (especially since Michael introduced me to Kashi high fiber cereal.  Really?  Do we need more than 1/3 of our daily requirement in the first hour that we are awake?  I don't think so) because I had about 16-18 grams of fiber before 10 am yesterday.  Yikes. 

Anywho, I wanted to give the men the opportunity to "check out" before I go on.  The blogs during the month of June will primarily focus on women's health--or lack thereof.  There will be some information that men may not really want to know about women.  I've heard some men profess surprise to learn that women fart.  Are you kidding me?  I can out-fart about any man I know--and usually I'm holding back the big ones (I don't want to embarrass them).

So, today's PSA (public service announcement) is very specific to the female "parts" and may be a bit graphic for some.  I did get the affected party's expressed permission before retelling her harrowing account.  Her name or location will not be revealed.

If you are a girl, you know what this is:All of us have at least one because we often get them for free when we buy soap or "specialty" bath products.  I think that is code for overpriced, smelly stuff that we slather on our skin.  This woman relayed this story to me:

I was washing up this morning and I had one of those scrunchy wash thingys.  I usually have the rope around my wrist so I don't drop my scrunchy.  Well, after I finished washing south of the border I couldn't find the string.  I looked all over the shower floor and couldn't find it.  As I stood up I felt a pinch in my you know and spread my legs to check.  Sure enough, that little bastard was up there.  The rough end of it had gotten stuck up there and when I yanked on it (insert laughter on my part because I was picturing the worst tampon string ever), well, that scrunchy molested me.  It actually tore a piece of my skin out!  But that wasn't the worst part.  The worst part was as I was getting ready to leave for work--I used the bathroom and my pee burned so bad I was almost sick!  There should be a warning label on those things.    

So there you have it ladies--it's not the Salmonella on your cutting board or the floating poop particles on your toothbrush you need to worry about.  You really need to look at your more intimate products and make sure they can't hurt you!

Pace yourself

I'm one of those all or none kind of people.  I either want to mow the entire yard at one time or not at all.  Once I start on something I want to complete it.  I've been known to sit through really horrible movies and read through really horrible books just so I could finish them.  There isn't much that I start that I don't finish. 

In the spring (uh, two weeks ago) when the weather was nice I just didn't have the physical or emotional energy to work on my yard.  I was exhausted for a number of reasons, some that I have shared on here, many that I have not.  Because of that, I missed the planting and yard prep season.  So what did I decide to do?  I decided to wait until it is in the 90s to suddenly attack my overgrown weed plot that used to be a garden.  In stead of pacing myself over a couple of days, I decided to do it all today.  In the 90s.  I didn't feel anything but the sweat on my brow and the sun on my neck until I finished.  Then I pulled my work gloves off and noticed that I went beyond blistering my skin (I probably blistered two hours ago), I tore the flesh deep into my hand.  On both hands where the fingers and palm meet, I am raw.  I guess I won't be mowing the grass today...or tomorrow. 

Here we go again

Looks like it's time to grab the cat and hide in the bath tub again. I just had my cable and internet restored and here we go again...

Hellacious weather continues

Wow, I thought Friday night was bad (the tornados), but I think the past 24 hrs have been worse!  Last night we had some nasty storms roll through, but they didn't affect us too much here--mostly rain and lots of thunder and lightening.  During the night (3?  4?  I have no idea) we had another round go through that shook the house and and as I slipped into work around the butt-crack-of-dawn this morning I managed to get in minutes before another round hit us.  Honestly, it was like a monsoon out there.  I normally LOVE thunderstorms--to this day I still like to stand out on the patio and get soaked with rain, but today was another story.  Today just sitting next to the window at work made me nervous.  The street lights came on yesterday afternoon and didn't turn off until late morning today.  It got sunny and hot (HOT & HUMID--I hate this stuff already) this afternoon and we were all deluded into thinking it was over.  WRONG.  I happened to look at the weather screen at work and noticed that there was a big pile of red over the town my parents live in the next state over that would be heading towards us.  I was smart and decided to call it a day.  I barely got home and it hit again.  I had no power for a couple of hours and because it was storming so hard (at 4 in the afternoon) it was pitch black in my house.  I admit, I was a little bit nervous.  Lightening lit up the house and thunder shook my foundations for over two hours!  When it finally cleared I surveyed the damage.  This is my neighbor's yard next door: This is my back yard:

  This is more of her yard.

Should I also mention that we are all on septic tanks back here?  Ick. In addition, I now have new mulch in my yard!  The guy living in the house behind me just mulched ALL his trees this weekend.  It's now mine. All mine (insert evil laugh here). 

While this may look minor, it actually got worse as I ventured onto the road.  Of course trees and branches were down, but the hard rain and fast current actually washed the gravel driveways down to the road.  There were piles of stone everywhere across the roadway making it treacherous.  As I ventured further I saw where the storm or rain had actually pulled up the asphalt and tossed it into neighboring yards.   At a friend's house her road was essentially gone and they had something else that was kind of funky--it looked as if someone had grabbed the edge of the grass and just pulled it up and off the lawn.  The sod was rolled up over itself.  I have never seen that before during any storms here and I have lived here nearly a decade. 

Downtime the streets and businesses were flooded and some reported the water was waist high in areas.  You could actually see cars bobbing around as they sat parked in lots.  Every time the bus would force itself through the water it would create ripples that caused the cars to float and bump into each other.  Please pray for those affected by the storms because I don't think flood damage is covered on most insurance plans whether it is for home, business or car. 

Because I just can't stop myself

well girl, goodbye,
after thirty-eight years.
thirty-eight years and you
never arrived
splendid in your red dress
without trouble for me
somewhere, somehow.

now it is done,
and i feel just like
the grandmothers who,
after the hussy has gone,
sit holding her photograph
and sighing, wasn't she
beautiful? wasn't she beautiful?

    ~Poem to My Uterus

         by Lucille Clifton

That's right, Mom, the count down to U-day has officially begun!