Rants, Raves, and other things

I've not really done it on this blog, but I really feel like ranting. This whole Anna Nicole situation just makes me shake my head and say "what the heck?" Does anybody even care about this? I have not heard one friend, one colleague, one beautician or ambiguously straight/gay man remark about her death in any way. So why have we been forced to endure countless entertainment shows, "news" shows, and daytime programs about this???? While I was sick I watched a considerable amount of TV and EVERYONE was talking about her, even Dr. Phil. Even Tyra Banks devoted a full hour to strange people that wished to talk about Anna Nicole's impact on their life or they had met her once and felt intimately connected to her and were in deep mourning following her death. Today's paper had an entire section devoted to Anna's cause of death, which all the news people seem strangely shocked to learn was due to drug abuse. Anyone that has seen her in the last 10 years, and especially the last year of her life, would say duh. I don't want to diminish the loss that her family and friends feel, but I think it is time for the news/media people to leave her family alone and let them mourn privately (even if all of her family wants to bring it to our attention). This poor woman no longer has any secrets...that coroner told the public more than was necessary.

Ok, onto Raves. I've been reading books that Kristen has recommended (I needed to put a link to her website on mine...I'll work on that--Kristen, if you are reading, is that ok?). I reserved a copy of Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See and picked it up from the library yesterday. I'm already on page 173 and I can not put it down! It's the story of two girls that have an "arranged" friendship much like that of a marriage and is set in China in the 1800s. It talks in great detail about foot-binding (I really had no idea what that entailed and it is so graphic that I wish I still didn't know) and really delves into explaining why men were the preferred sex and why women still prefer sons over daughters. A good book puts a spell on me and I am not free of it until I have completed the story. I will go without food, not answer phone calls, refuse to clean or sleep until I finish a good book. This one is so good that I look forward to finishing it, but will hate when there is nothing left to read.

Other things....each day I feel better. On Sunday I felt I was only 80% of what I was and was still short of breath with walking any distance at all. Yesterday I had my pulmonary function test and got a great report. Before the test, I was instructed to not use my inhaler, have any caffeine (because it improves breathing problems) or have breakfast (a heavy belly will prevent the diaphragm from filling). I was feeling pretty tight and slightly winded when I was there, but halfway though the test the therapist administered an albuterol nebulizer (to open up my airways). I asked her what degree of constriction I had, and she told I actually scored over the predicted measurement for my height, sex, race, and age! She retested me after the nebulizer, but was unable to measure any improvement since I was already over the 100% predicted! Wow, what great news! In the past my allergist had reported that I had reactive airway disease, but this test indicated the opposite. I was so happy to hear that. Last night I returned to the gym, 27 days after my last walk there. I walked a very slow mile around the the indoor track, and my legs shook for the last 2-3 laps. It's nice to feel a bit more improvement each and every day. I just didn't realize that it would take me so long to recover from pneumonia, but I'm quite sure that I will be 100% within the next two weeks!!!!

L-O-N-G W-E-E-K

Wow, I didn't realize Monday was the last day I posted. I am tired! It was a long week and fortunately a very slow one at work. My new partner, Kara, is doing very well and I think the 2 weeks she was forced to fly solo actually were good for her.

...I think I may actually have incentive to clean my computer/study room. I was sitting here and I saw something unusual...it looks like a dried out contact lens. I don't recall losing one, but that's a rather gross find in a room that is no where near the bathroom.

Anyway, back on subject. Besides work I really haven't done much. I did go to the library on Tuesday after work because in the event of a relapse, I did not want to be caught without a good read, or a good picture book. I had to stare at my ugly yard for the two weeks I was sick and every day it made me sadder and sadder. It is truly ugly. Sooo, I picked up four books on gardening. I have wanted an Asian themed garden for many years, and with the money from my tax return (that's another thing I did this week!) I'm going to invest in my yard a bit. I really doubt I have the $$ or skill to devote to do doing it up right, but I do want some privacy from the neighbors behind my house and I want someplace to sit outside that is relaxing.

I picked up two other books, also devoted to Asia and China more specifically. The first is The Attic: Memoirs of the Chinese Landlord's Son by Guanlong Cao. I started it last night and finished it before dinner today. Although it does not talk directly about the political or cultural issues in China, it does paint a picture of what life was like for those that had their land possessed, distributed by the state, and the outcast life that they lived. Who would have thought that 3 acres was all they needed to label you as an evil landlord? Even in death, his father was not allowed normal funeral rites. The second book, Will the Boat Sink the Water? The Life of China's Peasants was written by Chen Guidi and Wu Chuntao. It was published in China in 2004 and within 2 months pulled off the shelves by the government. Much of what I have read about the reasons for child abandonment in China have to do with the rural areas and the fact that the people are so poor. Before MayLing arrives, I hope to read a lot more books about life in China now, the culture and the history. It may not be a benefit to her, but I want to know. In many of the China adoption Yahoo groups, I read emails from women that feel bitterness towards the woman that left them their child. I don't feel bitterness now and I really doubt I ever will. This woman gave my child life and new life has been breathed back into my life---how can I possibly be bitter about that?

Quick Note

I tried to return to normal activities this weekend and had a bit of a set back on Saturday evening. Even with that, I returned to work today. Mentally I think I needed the routine....if I'm working, I must be feeling better. I guess I psyched myself up for it.
It really wasn't bad. I did have to walk extra slow and I did not take the stairs. It was also a challenge walking up the hill to the hospital this morning, but I went slow and did not make any return trips. I was pretty tired by early afternoon and half-dead from fatigue by 3:30 so I went home and went to bed for a while. I'm going to attempt a 1 1/2 hr car drive tomorrow morning and see how I do. Before I got so sick, it was sitting in the car for that long that made me so short of breath. Hopefully all will go well because I really, really, really, really want to start working in my yard soon.

I finished the steroids today so say a prayer that I continue to heal and not have any further set backs.

Thanks to all my friends who stopped by, sent me cards, called, brought me movies to watch and food to eat. It won't be forgotten.

Go to Sleep!

In the last 24 hrs, I have managed to sleep at least 12 hours of them. I'm not bragging, I'm not proud; I'm very tired. Well, that was several hours ago. I took the steroids the doctor ordered this evening and now, apparently, I refuse to go to bed. Even for as tired as I was, I got a lot done today. I went to grocery store and w-a-l-k-e-d v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y- through the whole store. It took me an hour to fill a Rx and buy about 15 items. In my own defense, I did look at the card section. I also did my dishes. Gasp! First time since Mom left that they have been attempted. And I took my trash out to the curb. Well, it would be a curb if I lived in city limits. As it is, I took it out to the end of my drive way. I am determined to be back at work Monday. However, if these steroids have the effect on me that I think they will, I will be bouncing off the walls long before Monday.
Counting sheep has absolutely no affect on me, other than irritating me and making me wonder why anyone other than a shepherd would count sheep? Do you think I can will my way to sleep? Perhaps I can imagine myself a sleep and then I will fall asleep. Or, maybe I can dream that MayLing is next to me finally? Maybe I should just lay down and see if sleep is really out of the question. Darn Steroids!

Updates, Updates, Read All About 'em!

Ok, I am starting to sound like one of those old people who complains about how much this hurts or how crappy this is, oh, and then they mention the hemorrhoids. Fortunately, I do not have hemorrhoids, but I have obsessessed on my health of late. After this update, I will try not to talk any more about it.

I went for a CT scan yesterday do definitively rule out a pulmonary emboli and to see if there was anything else of concern. They didn't have a great view of the pulmary arteries, but they didn't feel I had a PE (and neither did I). They did find a concerning "mass" in the lower left lobe that they suggested will need to be rechecked in 3 months.

Fast forward to today: I was woken up by a call from the doctor's office telling me I had an appointment with a pulmonologist (also my medical director for my hospital) at 2:30. I go to the appointment and my exam is essentially negative. He reviewed the CT of the chest and was talking about the "mass". I asked specifically where it was and when he told me, I replied, "that's not a mass. That's scar tissue from my old chest tube site after heart surgery". Wheww. Good to learn that's not a problem. He is going to work on getting my pulmonary function test moved up sooner than March 26th. I told him that I have improved significantly from last week and the week before, and wondered if something was just slow to work it's way out of my system. He told me that he thought that's what was going on...that because my lungs are more responsive because of the asthma, that I'm not recovering from the pneumonia as quickly. I asked if steroids would help (and those that remember me last June know that I did NOT ask for them lightly), and he thought they would. So, I have 5 days of steroids and I am planning to return to work next week. He didn't say I had to, but I am telling myself that I am better and the steroids should actually prevent my lungs from responding so strongly to whatever they are responding to.

Let's see, what else is knew......oh yeah, I started scrapbooking. I had ordered supplies on-line on Sunday and they arrived yesterday. Anyone that is interested in scrapbooking, and especially adoption related scrapbooking should see Jennifer's page www.scrapandtell.com. She is awesome. She answered my questions, has different scrapbook pages on display for inspiration and even tells you what pages are needed in the adoption scrapbook! What a great site!

I learned yesterday that various neighbors have taken turns putting my mailbox up on it's post. Joann (the crazy fun nearly 70 year-old next door) came over yesterday with a box of screws and a screwdriver in hand asking if she could fix my mailbox. Within a few minutes we had a small crowd of people offering their opinion on the mailbox and other things. Kevin, the postman, reminded me that I needed to visit Marjorie (the 85 year old that lives on the other side of me) because she has been quite sick. Mr. Wilson (across the street) told me I needed to pick up all the branches in my yard. Considering I'm just now using the bathroom without losing my breath, the branches can wait. It's been a fun couple of days. So glad I'm feeling better! Now, if only I would sleep less.

Well, this week is spring break for all the local campuses which means that half the town (in addition to the IU students) leave for a week. This includes the physicians. I was to return to the walk-in clinic today to be checked again. After waiting for over 2 hours I finally saw a physician, but unfortunately, it wasn't the same one that I saw last week. She said based on my present symptoms, she doesn't feel that I have pneumonia (again, no fever and no cough). She decides it is cardiac because I have a repaired congenital heart defect. Soooo, she orders an echo. No biggie. I go home, my friend Denise comes over and we enjoy iced Starbucks tea while sitting outside in the 72 degree sunshine until the time comes for the second appointment. Like I suspected, there were no significant changes from my previous echo. The doctor calls me an hour later and tells me she wants me to have a PFT (pulmonary function test). I've already admitted I have asthma so I am not sure what the PFT will prove. Maybe that I have asthma? I'm a bit frustrated as you can probably tell. As of this afternoon, I am off work indefinitely. That is very scary for me to hear. I'll keep you updated as soon as I know more.

Happy 1 month LID!!

Today is my one month LID anniversary! I would say that I only have 15 more months to go, but FTIA updated their website on Friday and are now advising people to expect wait times of 17-18 months. For those with an LID of Late 2005, they are currently waiting 16-18 months for a referral. I've been told that the backlog is due to an influx of dossiers submitted in March 2006. If that is true, once they have cleared all of March (they are currently up to reviewing those with LIDs of March 31st), then things should speed up. Personally, I still believe we will see a bigger impact after May 1st of this year. At that time, the new guidelines will go into effect, and of the people that are currently logged in, 50-60% of us would be ineligible (that includes me since I am single). By late summer/early fall they should be catching up. I still hope to see a referral in 12 months. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out of click and paste things to this blog or I would attach the graph showing the last 5 years of LID/Referral dates through my agency. In that time, the CCAA has fluctuated between 18 month wait times and 6 month wait times. Can you believe it? I know not to expect 6 months based on what is happening now, but I would be ecstatic!

For those interested in a pneumonia update, I return to the doctor tomorrow. I did start feeling more like myself yesterday and not quite as short of breath while doing nothing. But, I have started sleeping more again and I'm still short of breath walking in the house and walking to the mailbox is a special treat. I finished my antibiotics today and will talk to the doctor about ordering a CT scan. People have been telling me about some atypical pneumonias that have been diagnosed lately. My mom told me of a case she heard of today: a woman was off work 3 weeks for shortness of breath and weakness. X-ray, blood work were negative and she didn't have a fever. Sound familiar? They finally did a CT scan and found fungal pneumonia. For those of you that do pray, please pray that I improve quickly. I do need to return to work and all this time off is depleting the time off that I was going to spend with MayLing.

Thank you to my friends Michael, Rhonda, Denise, and Sherry for visiting and bringing me food and other treats. It is greatly appreciated. And thank you to those that call and just chat. I love to hear about life on the outside...especially since my world is pretty much limited to my house.

There's No One Like Mom

My Mom has said to me on a number of occasions,"You never outgrow Mom" and she is right. No matter how old you are, there is still apart of you that will need your mother. Well, this week I needed mine. She came over yesterday afternoon and immediately began mothering. It's amazing how much better I felt after having her here 24 hours. Suddenly, I felt like I was finally beating the pneumonia. That, dear friends, is the power of Mom.

In the time that she was here, she sat with me as I gasped for breath, she did my grocery shopping, washed the dishes, did several loads of laundry including my sheets, baked her killer macaroni and cheese, vacuumed the entire house, and told me to just lie down and get my rest. Wow. Thanks Mom.

For My Friend Terri

Terri, I don't know what you do when you have a bad day, but I listen to U2. I dedicate this song to you today

Beautiful Day
The Heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you aren't moving anywhere

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tune fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

If that one doesn't fit your mood, try Walk On or Kite.

CCAA Updated Site!

The CCAA finally updated their site today. For those that want to play along at home, the website is http://www.china-ccaa.org/frames/index_unlogin_en.jsp

Scroll down and look for a box on the right side of the screen labeled "Documents Processing". This is why having an LID is soooo important. The Chinese are very methodical and do not play favorites (sorry Madonna). The first paragraph says something like "The CCAA has finished the reviewing of adoption applications.....and then a date". If your LID falls into this category it means they are finally reviewing your dossier and are matching you with your child. This is a very exciting place to be!

The second paragraph starts off like "The CCAA has finished the placement of children for families with adoption applications....and then another LID". This is even more exciting! It means you have been matched with a child, and your agency has probably already notified you of the incredible news.

It has been about 5 weeks since the last update (they used to update twice a month) so people are understandably excited today. I've started tracking the dates on my calendar (work with me people, I'm home for another week with nothing to do).

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

It has been a long time since my last post and most of you that read my blog regularly have already called me to say "What's up? Where are the party pics?" Well, let's start with the good first.
The Good: the nursery is painted and the nursery furniture is bought! Yeah, I will have photos up soon.
The Bad: I missed my own party. I spent the entire day in the emergency room while the physicians worked to determine if I had pneumonia or a pulmonary emboli.
The Ugly: Finally, today, nearly a week after I began to pant instead of breathe, I have a definitive diagnosis. I have pneumonia and it is behind my heart which is why nobody "heard" rhonchi or rales when they listened to my chest.

I've had pneumonia before which is why I knew it was pneumonia long before anybody else diagnosed it. My pneumonias tend to be atypical (no fever, and in this case, no cough). I was beginning to think I was crazy because in the ER they had said it looked like I had a partial lung collapse or an early infiltrate (pneumonia), but they didn't treat it. They sent me home just as short of breath as I had arrived and then I developed the flu the next day! I will be off of work until next Wednesday, March 14th. And before you begin to think that sounds great, remember this, I CAN'T BREATHE. Literally, I gasp and pant just walking the 10 feet to the bathroom. I can't fix myself anything to eat and I've been out of groceries for 2 weeks. As much as I would love to work on the nursery or do all these great projects I have been planning for, I really can not. I lay on the couch all day and stare at the ceiling. I don't have any books to read and I'm too winded to go to the library. My trash is beginning to pile up and even the mailman has begun coming to the door because I can't go to my mailbox. And let's not talk about bathing right now.

This has been my biggest fear about becoming a single mom. What will I do if I get sick like this and I have an infant or toddler depending on me? Well, thanks to pneumonia, I now know what to do. I call my mom and dad and wait for mom to show up. I call my girlfriends: Sherry, Rhonda, Denise and Suzi. I contact my FCC moms and tell them. I finally have an action plan and it will work. Thanks everybody that has helped out the last few days!

Dear Ol' Dad
My dad is a saint. Saturday while Mom kept me company first at Promptcare, and then the ER my Dad stayed at my house and began painting the nursery. He painted the entire room, ceiling and walls. As crappy as I have felt this past week, the only thing that made it bearable was going into MayLing's freshly painted room and imagining her in it. Having the room started makes me feel so close to her. I'll be sure to post some pictures soon. And I'm so excited to have nursery furniture! How often do you think I can state that in one post!

Nursery Photos (work in progress)