Soulless piranhas or swimming with sharks?

 

I haven't talked much about my job, partly because I work in tech now and I don't want my co-workers finding this blog, but also because things at home have occupied a lot more of my emotional energy.  There is no question in my mind why I have suddenly had a horrendous IBS flare-up or why a blood vessel in my right eye keeps rupturing making me look like I have some sort of hemorrhagic fever.  The rupturing has occurred about every other week since early December.  I'm afraid to even tell my eye doctor about it.

I've been involved a project at work that is destined to fail.  It's a crappy product and nothing any of us do on this end can make it better.  Unfortunately, the vendor won't let us upgrade any of our other products until this piece of crap is updated, but the update they have given us hasn't been tried out by any other health institution in the US.  There was one other hospital that was supposed to go live a year ago, and scrapped the plan.  it just isn't well enough built, but regardless, we are going through with it.  On go live day it's going to look like that turkey on Christmas Vacation.  The bird looked so beautiful, but dissolved into a puff of smoke it was cut in to. 

I have felt like I have been set up from the beginning--I was brought onto the project in early December, even though they knew I would be out for several weeks for training.  It's worth noting that they have been working on this project since LAST spring and should have gone live last summer. I wasn't told exactly what to do or what they needed and I was excluded from all the meetings and weekly conference calls to the vendor until 3 weeks ago.  It's amazing that I did such a kick ass job without any input. 

I have kept the PM abreast of what all I have done (once she returned 3 weeks ago from her extended leave--it was the first time I had met her since I started my job).  Last Thursday my boss called a meeting with the PM and me to discuss my contribution.  Ok, that sounds ominous.  I ended up having to defend myself.  My boss wanted to know why I was so busy all the time (uh, because I'm testing 4+ hours a day on top of my regular duties).  She wanted to know why I was testing--uh, because I was told to (and I later learned from my preceptor that my boss DID know that I was testing and that she approved it!  Evidently my preceptor has written proof in the event I need it).  My boss and the PM also wanted to know why I set up a meeting with someone in another department about the product when the PM told me not to.  Uh, because I didn't.  The other department head set up the meeting and invited me (for those of you intimately familiar with Outlook E-mail you know what I'm talking about).   I told her I couldn't help her and forwarded the meeting invite to the PM.  On several occasions during the meeting my boss said to me "you are swimming with sharks".  I couldn't help but think I was probably sitting next to at least one of them. 

I was told that they didn't need me for any further testing and the only thing they needed was my workflow--which I could only partially complete until testing was done.  I made sure to explain this and then I completed the workflow like a mad woman last Friday and sent it off.  I get an e-mail from the PM on Tuesday asking what the state of the workflow was and where were the flowsheets (she used multiple exclamation points and unless I know you and am excited, I don't use multiples).  After feeling the blood vessel in my eye pop once again, I replied very nicely to her email telling her that I had sent her the present and future state workflows on Friday and that I couldn't complete certain flowsheets until we had decided something or tested it.  If that didn't meet her needs, I offered to meet with her immediately so that I could satisfy what she needed (get your mind out of the gutter).  I also carbon copied my boss.  I'm tired of this s***.  Hours and hours pass and she finally sends a really nice, sugary-gaggy-sweet email about how they couldn't have managed without me or my flowsheets.  It was, of course, also cc'd to my boss.  The following day my boss, who was out of town, emailed to say it was the best email she had gotten out of our town all day.  I hope she was being facetious. 

Well, the PM didn't invite me into any of the meetings this week or the testing so I don't know the workflow and now I need to have it completed by tomorrow.  I did drop in on one meeting today and I already solicited an invite to the workflow meeting tomorrow.  How asinine is it to not invite the workflow person to a workflow meeting?? 

It gets better.  The PM and one of the builders have nearly identical names.  All of us involved with the project were sent an e-mail detailing the workflow issues.  I thought the builder (a woman I trust and gotten to know really well) sent it so I emailed back:

I couldn't have said it better myself.  Thanks for doing that.  How are the meetings going this week?

Well, evidently it wasn't from the builder--it was from the PM, the woman that accused me of not doing the workflows and the woman that excluded me from the workflow meetings!  Woops.  I'm so glad I didn't make a nasty comment, which would be my normal behavior.

It gets better.  We are supposed to save all our documents on the network drive under our own personal folder.  It's like that scene from The Firm where they try to hurry and get copies of the documents made before the other lawyers and security know what they have done.  Actually, I guess it can be any movie where two parties are both trying to get to something before the other.  I suddenly realized that she could easily go into my file and alter or destroy those files.  I started making copies, sending them and all these emails to my home email address and saving things to my laptop's hard drive. 

So, now I at least have a record of everything--both in email and on here.  Hopefully that won't come back to bite me.  Until then, I am going to try to avoid swimming with the sharks and the piranhas. 

Healthier Habits

They say it takes 4 weeks to develop a habit, good or bad.  I hope that isn't really true because I'm really digging my new routine.  It's no secret I am a night owl.  I always have been.  I always will be.  I blame it on my mom for working night shift when she was pregnant with me.  It is truly painful for me to be up and alert before the sun is high in the sky. 

For almost a week now I have successfully gone to bed between 10-11 PM, but most nights I am tucked in by 10:15.  For those that don't know, I usually don't go to bed until after midnight and I get up at 6 am or earlier.  I am definitely one of those girls that needs 7 1/2-9 hours of sleep.  Even this weekend I was in bed by 11 PM all 3 nights.  Whoo hoo. 

My other good habit is drinking more fluids.  I am drinking 6-8 glasses of flavored water (baby steps, people) and I have actually been caffeine free for nearly a week.  This was not intentional, but I ran out of soda and since I wasn't terribly sleepy in the morning at work, I just stuck with it.  I really don't like relying on things like that--it truly is like a drug. 

As a result of going to bed earlier, I'm not watching my usually 3-4 hours of TV a week.  Last week I taped LOST and watched it when my mom visited Friday.  I have developed a new evening ritual that involves reading my Bible and journaling...something I haven't done much of in a very long time.  I want to record this time in my life--good or bad.  Someday I will be able to look back at it and see it through different eyes. 

Poor kitty

My poor kitty.  We have lived in peaceful coexistence for 8 1/2 years now, but we didn't really become buddies until I lost my job last summer and we spent lots of quality time together. 

I find myself talking to her more and more often, and last Friday in the middle of my IBS crisis I actually uttered the words "baby, you gotta move out of the way.  Mama doesn't want to poop on you."  In that moment I realized two things:

1. I hope I never actually utter those words to my child.
2. I'm ready for a kid.

This evening her stomach was bothering her because she ate something she shouldn't have.  As she was hunching her back from all the heaving, I started petting her back or just putting my hand on her back as she puked.  And this is coming from the woman who for years would gag and puke any time she saw one of her patient's puke.  Not only that, I was able to clean it without gagging.  Fortunately it wasn't too gross and there certainly wasn't any food bits in it.  That always makes me gag a little harder. 

Snow storm? What snow storm?

Yeah, so the snow storm of 2008 was waaaayyyy overblown.  It was funny because they had news teams down from the state capitol for the 10 and 11 PM news because evidently it was supposed to hit us first and worst.  You could just see the reporters were begging for one itsy bitsy snowflake the whole time the weather man was saying we were getting "dusted with snow at this time".  Snow, what snow? I didn't see any snow.  I went to bed and didn't see any snow, I woke up during the night to use the bathroom (ok, I actually woke up to check to see if it was snowing) and there was still no snow.  When I finally did get up in the morning, I could tell we'd had freezing rain during the night and I nearly broke a hip as I walked my gravel driveway to get my newspaper.  Yeah, the gravel was slick. 

Since I don't live in city limits, I was not sure if we would see salt/sand trucks or plows today and since I live on a hill I opted to wait before going to work.  Glad I did.  I got an email from a colleague stating that cars were sliding into each other while parked.  Yeah, unattended vehicles were sliding across our hilly parking lot into one another.  Lovely.  It didn't help that my IBS has been in high gear this week and was especially bad on Friday.  Not sure it was smart to navigate the slow, slick roads when I didn't know how soon I would get to a bathroom.  It worked out alright.  I had taken my laptop home from work and managed to work on my project and get it submitted right as it was due.  Whew.  Maybe I need to rename this blog to the IBS Chronicles? 

Camera suggestions?

My digital camera hasn't worked well for nearly a year and finally crapped out for the last time this weekend.  Do any of you have suggestions?  I'm planning on having $600 to blow in May, but I'm not sure I will be able to live that long without a camera.  If you like your camera or don't, please tell me!

Bring it on...

This has been a rather "bring it on" kind of week.  Today, I read the forecast and throwing all caution to the wind said, "bring it on".  Of course, now I'm just hoping that none of my other trees come down.  Evidently we are expecting 5-7 inches of snow and ice.  Lovely.  Personally, I'm hoping for a snow day and a good reason not to go to work.  Unfortunately, one of my colleagues that works the ED has offered to pick me up.  Evidently he has 4-wheel drive and didn't feel I should miss any fun.

My plan to keep busy has certainly been working and is partly to blame for my long absence.  I actually woke up the other day and for the first time in over a year, my mind didn't immediately go to adoption or kids.  In fact, it was early afternoon before either thing crossed my scattered brain.  In a way it is sad because it feels like I am letting go, but I realize that right now I do need to let go.  I was holding so tightly to something that for now won't be realized.  Someday, yes.  But not now.  Waiting is a hard lesson to learn, but I think I am learning it.

I'm taking better care of myself.  Eating more fruits and vegetables, less crap.  Today I went through an entire day without any caffeine.  Under normal circumstances that only happens on the weekends.  I'm also going to bed earlier.  Two hours earlier, to be exact. Some nights I lay there for a good 10 minutes before falling asleep, but so far I have been out just about as soon as I put my head to the pillow.   The only problem with losing two hours of day is that I am now not exercising.  I've got to figure this out soon. 

This is the first evening I've had at home since, oh, Friday of last week.  I'm trying a lot of different things and getting to know new people.  It has really been good for me.

The other day I had dinner with an Indian couple that I am friends with.  I met her when I worked for Select and we have remained in contact since the closing.  It helps that she and her husband attend the same church as me.  Anyway, they asked Sunday if I would come over for dinner this week.  I love all kinds of food, but I especially love Asian foods.  Unfortunately the good ol' IBS kicked in the day of the dinner.  I was miserable at work, but I didn't want to cancel our plans because I so looked forward to spending time with them.  They had asked on Sunday if they needed to tone down the spice and I said "bring it on".  Yeah, I'm feisty alright.  Fast forward to Tuesday night.  The three of us enjoyed a wonderful meal.  Her food was spicy, but well within my spice tolerance.  It could have been spicier and I wouldn't have flinched.  Well, my tongue wouldn't flinch.  My guts were another issue.  We ended up talking for at least another hour after dinner, and by then the IBS had kicked into high gear.  My gut was sending out distress signals left and right and all the rumbling was beginning to resemble flatulence.  I swear I wasn't farting, but something inside certainly was.  At one point, the squeaking and squealing lasted ten seconds.  My poor friend...she asked, "Erica, do you need to use the bathroom?" 

I haven't been asked that since I was in grade school!  I guess I should be embarrassed, but after living with it for so long I guess I'm just used to it.  I decided it would be best if I departed quickly, but even that was slowed down.  When I had entered their house it was 53*, when I left it 9* and my car was coated in ice.  For the first time in my life, I saw lightening through the snow.  Yeah, life is crazy so bring it on.

Keep your fingers crossed and pray for a snow day!

Use your period for good...

Yeah, that's Tampax's new tag line...Tampax--use your period for good. Seriously? Do the MEN that dream up the ideas for these commercials have any idea what they are talking about? I view mine as a burden. A painful reminder of how something good can go terrible wrong and I've gone to great lengths to limit mine. You know why I don't dread getting older any more? My near-sightedness will improve (yay!) and some blessed day my periods will end.

Evidently Tampax is trying to draw attention to the fact that young women in Southern Africa (which part, Tampax? It's a big continent) don't have access to pads and tampons. As such, they miss school and I am assuming they perform lower than their male peers. Personally, I wish I lived in South Korea. Did you know that each month women across the country get to take a few days off when they have their period and they are not penalized. I wonder if I would begin having happy periods if I had 3 days off each month? Did you know that in many Native American populations menstruating women are considered unclean and they are not allowed to even be present for religious ceremonies? In the Old Testament women were set apart for seven days because they were unclean. Everything she touched, sat on or laid on was considered dirty for seven days. God help the man that attempted to "lay" with her.

Personally, I like the Always brand tag line "have a happy period".

Read on to see what this fictious writer supposed sent to Proctor and Gamble:

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my ‘time of the month’ is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Branch Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period".
"Are you f…..g kidding me?" What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep... Always.
Best,
Wendy Aarons
Austin TX

Here's hoping I sit this month out...