Outsmarted by a 20 month-old and other realizations from the church nursery

Yeah, it's true.  I was corrected by a 20 month-old today.  Did it hurt my pride?  Nah, it was pretty funny.  Adrienne, the smarty pants, was playing with the baby swing...you know the kind where you dial a number and it rocks little babies?  That one.  There is a buckle system to snap the baby in in the event the swinging gets too vigorous or the baby slides out.  She was trying to get one of the four corresponding snaps to fit together.  As I watched her I tried to correct her, "No, Adrienne, I don't think those go together."

Boy was I wrong.  To prove to the girl that I was right I attempted to put the two snaps together that I thought went together.  They didn't fit.  So I tried her way--wow, it worked!  Fortunately she didn't gloat and I apologized for being an idiot. 

Kids like me.  I have never understood why.  I've never been one of those women that went out of my way to seek out babies at the grocery store.  I will smile and wave at them if I see them staring, but I do not engage otherwise.  Well, for whatever reason kids like me and it isn't long before they try to get close.  Eve, a very allergic 6 month-old, decided I was awesome today.  Her mom plopped her down across the room and within a few minutes she crawled over to me and wanted to play only with me.  That sounds lovely, but did you forget the allergy part?  The poor girl's eyes were constantly dripping, her nose was a faucet and when she sneezed (which was every few minutes) snot would go flying everywhere.  Oh, did I mention she's a puker?  Yeah, poor Eve proceeded to puke up everything her mother had just fed her.  After 8 spit-ups I lost count.  I've never seen anything like it--fluids were leaking out of this kid all over.  And because she liked me so much many of them wound up on me.  Yep, I walked out of there with booby juice spit up in various degrees of drying on my pants. 

And people wonder why I really didn't want to work the nursery? 

I like the kids, I really do, but I think it's more precious when the child is your own. 

Oh, stay tuned, I'm going to be posting some pics and videos of my last weekend tonight or tomorrow.  There are some things I don't post until I've had a chance to shock my family. 

Funny!

I don't usually like to send out dumb emails, but I received one from a co-worker today that I wanted to share with all of you.  Please, do not eat or drink anything while you are reading.  I don't want to be responsible for any choking or spit-up on the screen.  I tried reading this at work, but I didn't want my co-workers to know I was reading garbage so I tried to stifle laughter, but then I had tears running down my face.  Enjoy!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.  My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,  fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring  painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you  peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.  No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing
each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius  kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax, yeah...right!") I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!  OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!  Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.  With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP!  Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.  I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!  There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my finger over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG  mistake...(remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?) I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!!
MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!
SEALED SHUT!!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My  head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!******

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that
used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -  I sit.  Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.  Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced  me a few months ago to have a phone put in the  bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter...... "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and  then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!  By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.  My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!  The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens
out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!  So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.  Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......

It's with great joy...

that I finally get to let the cat out of the bag!  Kristen received a referral on a little girl just over a week ago and I couldn't be more thrilled!  You can read all about it on her blog that I linked above.  I can keep a secret, but I sure don't like to!

She called me on the Friday before last while I was leading a class of pharmacists and nurses.  Since Mom was diagnosed with cancer I have started keeping my cell phone with me at work, but I forgot to turn my ringer off.  All of the sudden "Baby Got Back" started playing.  Yes, that is really her ring tone.  I gave it to her and another adoption buddy so I would always know when they were calling.  Anyway, the class started snickering as I walked out of the classroom to find out what was going on.  The first thing she asked was, "are you sitting down?".  What???

Once I was firmly planted against the wall she shared the news.  I was and am still very excited for her!  Please stop by and congratulate her on this wonderful news. 

I can't wait to meet her, Kristen!

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

I realized that I have been a very bad blogger the past couple of months.  My sincerest apology, but let me explain.  Lately I have spent a considerably longer time staring at my computer at work.  About 9 hours to be exact.  I am involved in testing on a HUGE project that is set to go live in a few weeks and I literally sit in a hot little room crammed full of computers and people and repeatedly test and troubleshoot errors.  Strangely enough, I like the work, but it gets harder to return emails in the evening or blog.  The other night Michael and I were IM'ing and I finally said "can I just call you?  My eyes are shot".  Starting today, I will be locked in a room with 6 other people just testing, but at least this new testing room is air-conditioned!  In fact, tomorrow it is going to feel like factory work since our goal is to test and fix 800 meds.  Evidently we have 2,700 medications that need tested between now and the end of the week (yay, I'm off on Friday!).   The plus side?  I have been partnered up with a super cute guy, married of course, but quite cute and charming!  It certainly makes the day pass faster. 

As I mentioned I will be off on Friday.  Kris and I had initially planned a fun 4 day weekend that included a trip to Chicago for the Summer festival in Chinatown.  Our little mini-vacation plans have changed considerably, but hell or high water I am leaving this town!

Happy Birthday and Happy LID!

I am dedicating this post to this man:

This is Wes.  Wes is my brother-in-law and he is 37 years-old today.   I feel sorry for him.  The poor guy had NO idea what he was getting into when he married into this family.  That should be obvious by the Oral Me T-shirt he received as a Christmas gift from Chennie last year.  He was a real sport about it, but I think he was embarrassed to even have this photo taken.  For the longest time I couldn't figure out how Wes knew so much about me--or how my sister did for that matter.  Sarah finally spilled the beans; Wes reads my blog everyday.   Yep, cyber stalked by my own B-I-L.  (just kidding, Wes.  I like that you read. It saves on phone bills)

I like Wes.  He has been a good addition to our family and I love the fact that Sarah married a guy that is a lot like me!  Haha...talk about sibling revenge. 

So, if you read this post, please leave a Happy Birthday note for Wes.  Evidently only two people have remembered his birthday so far.

Oh, and today is my 17 month LID.  As I told Kris, it could be worse.  We could be at 1 or 7.  I'm glad it's 17.  I'm also glad it's not 71.  Ok, this is starting to sound like Sesame Street!

Consistency

Is it too much to expect a certain level of consistency?  I admit--I'm a creature of habit.  I base present expectations on past experiences, but who doesn't?  As humans, this is how we are designed and it was for good reason.  You learn not to mess with bees after you step on one, don't you? 

So, on June 5th my coordinator e-mails me and wants to know the status of my 171H.  Have I received the new one?  Nope.  I'd had a sticky note stuck to my computer for weeks reminding me to re-apply for a new I-600A.  In fact I had to move it if I wanted to see my URL bar.  Did I do anything about it.  Nope.  Did it matter that I was expiring in less than 6 weeks?  Nope.  Did I consider the fact that it took 3 months the last time?  Nope.  Are you sensing a lack of excitement this time around?  Yep.

Ok, so the e-mail from Melissa put my butt in gear and I promised to send it ASAP.  And I did, I emailed it the following day.  Within 10 days I received a notice that my updated home study was missing.  I know it wasn't, but I e-mailed by home study agency and they sent a new one immediately.  Only two days after receiving that notice I received another letter notifying me that my fingerprint appointment was in about 10 days.  Huh? 

So I got my fingerprints taken earlier this week to little fanfare (my skin was so dried out they made me put Corn Husker's Oil on--ewww).  Imagine my surprise when I arrived home this evening to find my new 171H.  All I could think is "What the he**?"  I wish it had been that easy last time.  I wish it had taken less time last time because I was stressing the deadline so bad my hair started falling out.  I will say, I have been reassigned to a new Adjudications Officer and maybe that is making the difference?  Either way, I'm happy it arrived and I'm wondering...how long will it take next time? 

I went home to visit the 'rents for the 4th and we had a good time.  Actually, I had an HGTV time and it was awesome.  I'm going to start applying to see if I can be on one of their shows--darn it, I need a new yard! 

I also took some cool pics of the fireworks.  Enjoy!

There are a couple that I think I will frame because they turned out so cool.  I love having a fireworks setting on my camera! 

Mom wanted me to tell everyone that she is doing great!  She is cancer free, will NOT need radiation therapy and has been walking 5 miles a day.  Yeah, 6 days post-op and she was back to walking 5 miles a day.  Wow, she's amazing. 

Huh?

TV is usually kind of boring for me (I don't have cable) so I generally just flip through channels settling on a program for a few minutes before flipping to something new.  Last night I landed on ABC, but because I caught it a few minutes into the program, I was totally lost.  I honestly thought they were joking when they were referring to monkeys as "adopted kids".  Seriously.  They wanted to have perpetual children so they were "adopting" monkeys.  Unfortunately for them, all monkeys eventually go bad.  I couldn't help but think, is this really the best language to use?  If babygirl had been watching that with me, what would she have thought?  I kept waiting for the punch line or a person to jump out and shout "candid camera!" but it never happened.  What the heck?  Check it out here.  http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/popup?id=5255121 and there is quote from the website: 

It's estimated that there are 15,000 monkeys purchased as pets or surrogate children and living with humans in the United States alone. While many of the people who buy the monkeys may treat them as if they were little humans, these primates are from the South American rainforest and in their normal habitat spend two-thirds of the day feeding and hunting for their dinner.

If you want a child, adopt a child.  If you want a pet, get a dog.  These are not domesticated animals and they are certainly not replacements for human children.