Night owl reversal or something else?

Anyone that knows me will tell you that I am not a morning person, a day person, or in any way associated to being "bright" while the sun is shining. As a kid my parents would put me to bed around 8 pm, but I stayed up quite late playing in my bed. Long after they were asleep I was still awake and sometimes wandering the house. Well, fastforward 20+ years and nothing much has changed...until recently.

When I started the new job I started going into work around 7:30 am. Initially it was because I didn't want to be late. Then it changed into wanting to find a decent parking spot so I didn't have to be bussed in from several miles away. Last week I actually went into work at 6:30 AM. Yeah, I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it when I clocked in. So, have I finally shifted my clock to daylight hours after a lifetime of fighting sleep, or is it something else? I've had a nasty sinus/bronchitis thing involving loads of mucous and other fluids you would probably not care to read about. I thought it was the post-nasal drip keeping me awake, but as this clears up and I'm still getting up early, I began to wonder. I might have blamed it on PMS, except that is normally associated with a lack of sleep. I'm actually waking up around 5-6 am feeling rested. I haven't woken up to an alarm in several weeks. At 7:30 this evening I'm calling everyone I know because I'm sitting on the couch fighting sleep. In what lifetime have I ever wanted to go to bed at 7:30???? If there are any reformed night shift people reading, I'd love to hear what you think.

PSE 5.0 Fun!

Look what I can do with my new Photoshop Elements 5!!!
I'm so excited!

I feel like a bit of a skeeze (wow, not sure where that word came from!) but I think it is justified. In the 1-2 mile radius of where I live I have a two grade schools, a middle school and a high school. In fact, all I have to do is walk to the end of my road and there is the monstrosity we refer to as "the prison". So, what is the point of this story, you ask? Well, my house is at the epicenter of all these schools so this is where all the kids come to peddle their Girl Scout cookies, Boy Scout popcorn, and whatever else they sell on behalf of their school. It's not that I'm against them selling, but what do I need this stuff for? I need another box of cookies like I need another 5 lb weight gain. Yeah, my pants are still tight after eating in Dallas for a week. Can one person really eat 5 lbs of flavoried popcorn? I'm sure I could, but I think running out of ass wipe would be the least of my worries. And what about the other trinkets and trash? I HAVE NO WHERE TO PUT IT. It was a huge undertaking to turn my junk/overflow room into a nursery and as per my pact with Kristen, I have no intention of putting any non-baby stuff back in there.

Well, I think I have finally found the perfect answer that gets me off the hook and I don't have to lie. Here is the situation as it unfolded 15 minutes ago:

Cute little blond Boy Sout: Will you buy some popcorn for the Boy Scouts of America?

Me: I'm sorry. I've already been asked by someone else.

Did you catch it? I had already been asked. I didn't buy squat from the last person that asked either.

And, yes, after the posts I have left today you can call me Ebenzer Scrooge.

Boycotting Christmas

I don't having anything against Christmas, really, I don't. It's my favorite holiday of the year, but the commercialization of it makes me crazy. Yesterday I went to Michael's Craft Store--would you like to guess what it was filled to capacity with? You guessed it, Christmas Crap. And the store was packed! I'm guessing people have already begun shopping for presents. Today I went to the grocery store, my least favorite chore of all household chores. I hate even trying to pop in for something quick on a Sunday because it is absolute chaos. And crowds. Have I mentioned how much I hate crowds? I hate the noise and pushing and slowness of people that seem to enjoy this stuff. So, I'm waiting in the express lane hoping that they will move us through at an express pace (not a chance when you have food stamps and you have to divide up your bill so you still buy your cigarettes and coke). This is my image of Hell, being stuck in line unable to move or to move the process along....hmmm, just realized that sounds like something else in my life. Anyone care to guess what that might be? So there I stood in my own Hell when all the sudden I hear the tinny sounds of poor quality Christmas music being piped into the room. Are you kidding me? We haven't even cleared Halloween yet!!!

I will admit I kind of started my own Christmas shopping...but only for myself. Since money was so tight for so long (even before I lost my job I had been pinching pennies for the adoption) and I just haven't bought anything for myself, well, I've been wanting Photoshop Elements 5.0 for a very long time (digital scrapbooking, yeah!), but I was unwilling to pay $100. Something told me to pull into Staples after my violin lesson yesterday and take a look. Well, not only did I find the only one left in the store, but I found it on sale AND with a $45 dollar rebate. Yippee!

Yesterday before my lesson Koji (my violin instructor's Japanese bf) taught me how to make origami cranes. I've been wanting to learn so that I can hang some in MayLing's room. I have a few all over the house that people have given me over the years, but not enough to make a mobile out of them. So, now I know. I tend to be a bit obsessive and I like to keep my hands busy so if anyone out there wants any, I'm happy to share. I'll even send you the nice ones, as opposed to the first few I tried making. I've also attempted some other little surprises...so drop me a line and I'll drop some in the mail to you.

Cheers!

Saturday Morning Lights

My parents stayed over last night because they wanted to go up to their house early this morning and get it ready for the first viewing. They left a little after 7 this morning. I couldn't sleep after waking up so I got up and began puttering around the house with most the lights off.

I had this odd sensation, almost like I was flashing back in time. I can remember being 5 years-old and living in a house very similar to this one and creeping around in the dark before the early light of Saturday morning. I would seek out our old boxed TV set...you know the kind that sat deep in it's own cabinet and was supposed to appear like a piece of furniture? This was back in the day before 24 hr programming and I would turn on the set to see only snow across the screen. Concerned, I would slink back to my mom and dad's room and whisper "where are the toons?" I looked forward to Saturday morning cartoons with the joy that only a child understands. Today, as I crept through the quiet, cold house I could almost hear the sounds of early morning cartoons playing softly and throwing pale light across the room. Yeah, I am looking forward to that day...

Love at Last?

Do you ever wonder how people or events make it into your dreams? I must admit it has been on my mind a lot today. This morning I dreamed of a man I was in a relationship with nearly 3 years ago. He had been my closest friend for nearly a year, or that's how long it took me to realize we were no longer "just" friends. Once we both finally owned up to our feelings the relationship became quite intense. He was the first man I ever loved and he was the first man to ever love me. We had talked of the future and the number of kids we were going to have (3) and what sexes they would be (at least one of both sexes). We had discussed marriage and his family was aware of our plans. They had even come over from S. Korea to meet me and voiced their approval of me....with one exception. Although we were both Christians, I was protestant and they were Catholic. They wanted me to convert. I just wanted to be loved the way I was. And one day he just disappeared. One day I caught him sizing up my rings in my bedroom, and in another he was disappearing like a wisp of smoke. I learned later from mutual friends that his family would not allow us to marry because I wouldn't convert. He never discussed it with me, but I was told he was too upset to meet with me.

It was hard for me to recover from that. Where my heart had been stretched wide with love, there was this large gaping wound that couldn't be made be taut again. I mourned not only our love, but his friendship. I had months of pain and anger, but was eventually able to put that behind me.

I thought I had completely recovered from it until last year when I was completing my dossier. I certainly didn't sit around thinking about him or what could have been, but one night I had a dream of him. I was finally able to have closure. In the dream I yelled at him for breaking my heart and I think I beat him over the head a couple of times. I woke up feeling healed and whole in a way I didn't think possible.

I still think of him on occasion, but I spend more time plotting my next meal or hunting for toilet paper, than I think of him. So it was strange to dream of him today. The only reason I can come up with is related to an article I read in the November issue of O magazine. On page 290 they talk about finding love at last. All of the couples featured in the article found love at later ages. The youngest couple was in their mid 40's while the oldest found love in their 90s.

I really enjoyed the article partly because in the last week or so I have gotten some peace with the whole single status. I think I finally realized and accepted (although it doesn't always make me happy) that there is absolutely nothing I can do to find love or force love. As much as it saddens me, there is a very real possibility that I may never find love. Again. After reading the article and learning that some in their 40s had never been in love, well, I guess I felt lucky I had found it once. It is hard once you know what you are missing, but at least I know I was lovable and capable of love.

So how does this link me back to my ex? Well, in the article there was a lesson called "Be Open To Reunions", meaning, be open to past loves. I guess I realized I don't ever want what we had again. I loved him and he loved me intensely. He treated me like a queen and for the first time I got to feel like a woman. But in the end, he didn't communicate with me. For me communication=trust. Without one, I can't have the other. I think this dream was just another layer of my psyche severing whatever link I may have had with him. In the dream he was once again following the wishes of his parents. I can't be with a man like that.

Yesterday I had lunch with the woman I share an office with and one of her friends. They are both divorced and remarried and talked of the struggles with those relationships. I rather flippantly made the remark that while they were lucky at remarriages, I couldn't even find one man to marry. Terri looked me directly in the eye and said,"it's because we settled for less than what we wanted and what we deserved. Don't make the same mistakes that we did. And don't think that love changes people or that you can change people. You can't. No one can." She admitted that if she had to do it all over again, she would not have remarried, no matter how much she loves her current husband. I heard the exact same thing from another co-worker today who married, divorced, and remarried.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know that I will ever find love again. But today I feel exposed again, forced to remember something that was both beautiful and devastating. I guess if we open ourselves to love again, we have to be open for either possibility.

Ugghh...I have PRS

Some of you may not be familiar with this affliction, but in many ways it is similar to "other" syndrome that stops by once a month. It is Pre-Referral Syndrome and it doesn't matter how far back in the queue, if you are a woman and you are waiting for a referral, you probably get it every month. Fortunately there is no bloating (unless you begin stress eating) or other ickiness, but it isn't completely pain free. Here are a few of the symptoms you may suffer from:

• Fatigue--from staying up late cruising RQ and every adoption blog you know. You especially look for other waiting parents who are also experiencing PRS and for any new blogs out there that show pictures of recently matched happy families.
  
• Irritability--see above
• Bouts of crying for no reason. Sometimes from the stress of waiting and sometimes because you are experiencing the same hormones of any expecting mom. Don't get me started on any sappy commercials or sentimental movies...those are the worst!
• Manic--on the other end of the spectrum are those who get charged up and begin nesting. These moms are busy repainting their house, finishing the baby's room, and cleaning from top to bottom.
• Baby shopping at Babies R Us or Target. Need I say more?
  
• Headaches and eye strain--again, too much computer face time.
  

I'm sure this list could go on and on so feel free to add your suggestions. I've been running since around 5 am so I am not exactly the brightest bulb in the house right now.

The amazing thing about PRS is that your body seems to know when it is that time of the month, even if you haven't been obsessively checking the CCAA website or RQ. For me, there is always this great sense of excitement and hope that this month will be the big month, because as Kristen pointed out to me, the slow down occurred the very month we got our LIDs. They were referring 11 or more days per month until then and then suddenly it was only 2 or 3 days. How awful! It will feel really incredible when the day finally comes and they begin referring 2 weeks of LIDs. How much fun will that BE! Right now it just feels like we are treading water.

C'mon CCAA give me something to talk about!!!!