Because I desperately need a laugh today...

Sucker punched

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you've been sucker punched?  You know the days...you get up and step in cat puke with a bare foot, find out you are out of cereal, are late to work and get yelled at by a co-worker?  Yeah, those days.  I'm having one.

My morning ritual is to get up, pee, turn on my computer and check the CCAA website to see what progress they have made.  Well, guess what?  We can't do that anymore.  They are turning it over the agencies to notify us of the updates.  I emailed my coordinator and she confirmed that they (the CCAA) has indeed turned it over to the agencies.  In the weekly email update they will update if any progress has been made and I was assured that she would notify me personally once I made it through the review room.  Ok.  Part of me just wants to stick my head in the sand and pretend this (the adoption) never happened.  I don't mean that I wish I had never started, I just wish it wasn't constantly in the forefront of my mind all the time.  It's time to move on and entertain myself some other way.  It certainly didn't help that every China blog I checked was quite negative about the whole process and after the first few I just gave up.  The process isn't much happier in other countries either: Guatamala is shut down, S. Korea now has an extra 5/6 month wait tacked on to give Koreans a chance to adopt from within (which I doubt will happen since their views on adoption are the same as China--if you aren't blood, you aren't related and therefore don't receive the same benefits as a bio child), Russia also has a mandatory "cooling off" period like Korea in order to give locals the chance to adopt, Vietnam is having I-600 issues and who the hell knows with the rest of them?  The only stable looking one right now appears to be Ethiopia which on some level makes me wonder if I should become Moesha's Mama.  But my heart is still in China and I know my daughter is there so I will wait.

I'm tired as hell.  I have taken on a boatload of additional responsibilities at work, which is good, but I'm tired.  I will probably get about 50 hrs this week and this is on the heels of my boss tell us to watch our overtime and keep it under 40. 

It gets better.  Although I am feeling some pain from the day, I still have a spring in my step until on my way to lunch I run into a former friend (more on that in a minute) who announces she is 13 weeks pregnant and has to give me the lowdown on everything that has occurred since the last time I avoided her.  You may think I am heartless, but I am not.  She and I were as close as sisters, and it was a relationship that I thought would last forever.  It should have been a clue that I was always her emotional anchor and the one that supported her and not the other way around.  About 6-12 months before I began the adoption process I really evaluated my life and realized that I was emotionally supporting a lot of toxic people. They were sucking me emotionally dry and I didn't have any one to support me after their vampire ways.  Anyway, back to the story.  I thought we would always be friends...until a boy came into the picture. 

I watched my friend, a person I loved dearly, sacrifice all her values and ideals to get this guy that was really a creep and that treated her poorly.  Suddenly she couldn't go out because he might call and he would be jealous if he knew I was with her...what the heck???  He called me names in my presence and when I wasn't present.  That's ok, I didn't miss them because she repeated them to me!  It just went from bad to ugly and since I really don't keep more than one or two close friends it was devastating.  It was also on the heels of the break-up with the only serious adult relationship that I have had.  Guess who wasn't there when I needed her?  Anyway, it was a very painful and lonely year until Fall '06 as I was beginning the adoption process.  She wanted me to be her bridesmaid and I couldn't in good conscience do that---plus at that point I was still pretty angry and didn't want to spend $400 on a dress I'd only wear once for someone who was no longer a friend.  The day she got married I was at a required adoption seminar in order to get my home study.  She was mad and began telling people all over the hospital that we both work at that I was being unkind.  She even told my CEO!  I had strangers coming up and telling me I should give her a break.  Anyway, it was not a "good to see you" moment for me today but I played along.  I so badly wanted to say "I've been paper pregnant longer than you have", but who really cares?  She's so centered on herself it wouldn't have mattered.

I think watching her sacrifice everything to get this guy was a news flash to me.  I realize that even though I am not terribly old, I am older than the median age in my town.  I am 31.  I am also in a town filled with a bunch of gorgeous, loveable and very gay men.  The chances of me meeting someone nice, single and straight are about as good as me returning to a size 6 jeans.  As much as I want love and want to give love, it's probably not going to happen unless I want to go the same route she did.  But I remember how devestated she was by the things she was doing, and his obvious disrespect for her.  He didn't tell her he loved her until they got engaged...a full 18 months after they started living together.  I'm convinced the only reason he asked is because before they began living together she would drive an hour+ to his apartment and buy all his groceries, fix his meals, clean his house and take his clothes to the laundromat to do.  I'm just not willing to do that...it's one thing to give love, but at some point I would want some back.

Ok, so that one really hurt.  Then I come home and I'm ready to put aside the cares of the day, but I can't.  My yard is trashed.  Last week it was -5*, two days ago it was 65* with high winds and tornado warnings, and yesterday it was flooding.  Last night when I was home I remember hearing the wind whip around the house and a lot of racket from the storm but I didn't know it TOOK DOWN AN ENTIRE TREE.  Yeah, I have a huge tree down in my backyard.  The only good/funny thing is that that is one of three trees in a cluster that I have been arguing with my dad about taking down.  It landed only about 20-25 feet from my bedroom.  How did I not hear that coming down??

So my day has sucked.  I even went to the gym hoping the good endorphins would kick me into happy mode but they didn't.  And knowing that the next two work days are going to be loooonnnnggg, does not improve my mood much.  If you have a ray of sunshine to spare, I'd love to have one. 

I just can't help myself....we need to get the word out

Who do I look like?

Ok, this picture is 2 years old and 40 pounds lighter, but I'm not sure what is more shocking the fact that half of the people I resemble are dudes, or that half of them are Asian. When I had some DNA testing done a few years ago, it did show that my maternal lineage was of EuroAsian descent and that at one time (before Scotland) my mother's ancestors came from Asia--but I think that is the last thing people would guess when seeing me!

Interestingly, people have told me that I look like and have the sense of humor of Janeane Garofalo.

Waiting

Since December my pastor has been teaching from the books Matthew and Luke and focusing on some of the people involved in the first Christmas story.  More specifically how did God interrupt the lives of Zechariah, Mary, Joseph, the Shepherds, the Wise Men, Herod and even Simeon.  How did he communicate (dreams and visions mostly) with these people that Jesus was about to interrupt, enter and disrupt their ordinary lives?  And how does he continue to do this to us today?

Today he focused on Luke 2:25-40 and story of Simeon and Anna.  Both were elderly but were waiting expectantly on the birth of the Messiah.  They waited their entire lives to meet this one little person.  It really put things in perspective for me.   Yes, the wait will still be tough tomorrow, next week and next year but I will wait for MayLing for however long it takes.  If Simeon and Anna could wait their entire lives for someone they would only know a short while, I can wait a few years to know my someone special for the rest of my life. 

This was, of course, the abbreviated version of the sermon.  But I have felt like I had gotten something out of each one and especially as I have walked this adoption journey it felt even more specific to me.  If any of you are interested in hearing his sermons, drop me a comment with your email and I will send you the link.

Cheers and Happy Monday to all of you returning back to work after 2 weeks off! 

Crap in the News

First, a big fat CONGRATS to all those that became parents this week!  Yep, the CCAA updated their website on the evening of January 2nd (I love that they are 12-13 hrs ahead--we learn about the updates right before going to bed!) and they are matched through December 19, 2005.  They have officially become over 2 years behind.  People keep asking when I will travel to China--only God knows.  While I love to talk about MayLing and my anticipation of bringing her home--I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE WAIT!!!  Too many people ask and there aren't enough answers.  Really, I'm not angry or upset.  I'm just tired of repeating myself.  I've made peace with the fact that it is a long time, but my daughter is worth it.  I did check my math last night and there are 420 days between my log in and the current bunch of referrals.  They have been averaging 5-6 days worth of referrals each month which means I should have a referral in 5.8 years from log in.  The chances of this happening are really unlikely.  Even China has said they will be speeding up in the New Year, but I'm guessing, based on the recent referrals, that they are referring to their New Year and not ours.  Supposedly they are planning on referring 15 days a month which would cut my wait to 2 years and 4 months.  That would be pretty sweet!  

You all know how much I love my local newspaper and some of the wacky stories they put in there.  I'm not kidding, I really do enjoy my newspaper--I just think some of the their local stories could have used a little more editing.  Today's stunning headline:

IU Researchers: Serial Killers even                          deadlier than thought

Ya think?  After reading the article it makes sense, but that headline is just dumb.  Researchers discovered that serial killers don't want to get caught (which I think is opposite of what every crime show wants us to believe) and often pick targets that are less likely to be missed: transients, prostitutes, etc.  Since these people aren't trackable and few people ever report them missing, many more people are probably killed than what the killers admit to.  This is completely a hypothetical situation because I don't date criminals, but let's just say I'm dating Jimbo and he is supposed to report to the courts on Monday for beating someone up over a last 24 pack of Miller Lite.  If he gets killed on Saturday night and I want to report him missing on Tuesday.  I can't--he's considered a fugitive.  So, all those deviants out there reading this that are planning to rob the liquor store--don't get killed before you see the judge! 

I really have no idea why I find these articles this interesting. 

Hope you all have a pleasant weekend and stay warm.  I've been so freakin' cold the past few days.  I have dry skin on a humid day so you can imagine what the temps (and the indoor heating) are doing for my skin!  If anyone has any suggestions for chapped skin, please let me know.  My legs are chapped and red, my lips are chapped and red and yesterday even my eyeballs were chapped and red. 

Here's a picture of my fur baby who's also feeling the cold:

Poor thing...I think she is glaring at me.  She has an uncanny way of finding the warmest spot in every room.  

A Year in Reflection

Happy New Year! I hope this year is a blessing to all those who are reading for I know that most of you are in the same situation as I am--just waiting for your child to come home.

I have been waiting for nearly a year and if things had gone as they supposed to when I first began this process, I would have gotten my referral some time around February-April 2008 and I would have traveled within a 1-2 months following that. Any of you following the CCAA's website know that that isn't going to happen. They are now currently more than 2 years behind. But even with the wait time expanding even more than my elastic waist pants this Holiday season, it has still been a year of growth. It's interesting to reflect on where I was a year ago and where I might be in another year. A year ago today I was in Hong Kong following Chennie's beautiful wedding. I was looking around at all the people and realizing how adoption globalizes us all. This beautiful quote was sent to me by my mother by adoptive parent Isabella Rossellini:

Biological children bring the magic of your own genes, but adoption has the dimension of connection--not only to your own tribe but beyond, widening the scope of what constitues love, ties, and family. It is a larger embrace. If more people adopted, we would stretch past our immediate circles and, by reaching out, find an unexpected sense of belonging with others.

As I walked the streets of Hong Kong I found that to be very true. Our faces weren't that much different. I saw bits and pieces of people I have known and loved my whole life. We are all the same. And as I walked the streets of a city that wasn't my own I realized what an incredibly hard thing it is to hate someone. Once the realization struck me that we were all connected at some level, hating you becomes an exercise in hating myself on some level. I hear many adoptive and non-adoptive parents lambast China or the Chinese for the great number of children that don't have parents. How can I possibly dislike them when they are responsible for giving me family? And by giving me family, they in turn, become an extension of my family? These are my deep reflections as I look back on 2007.
As I look ahead to the New Year, I don't know what it will bring. 2007 certainly had a number of blessings (LID for China, new job and new friends) and challenges (prolonged illness from pneumonia, loss of job) but despite the good and the bad, I'm really no worse off. As I sit here in my new PJs, I am healthy, I am happy and I am still very blessed. While I know that MayLing won't be coming home this year, I'm still hopeful that there will be other great things happening in my life. One of the many blessings this year has been how much this journey has expanded my friendships. I have been so grateful for Kristen's friendship this year. I have been so glad to share this journey with someone else that recognizes the struggles of doing this alone. Having said that, this is the perfect place to insert the first half of Isabella Rossellini's quote:

My son, Roberto, is 14 years old. When I adopted him at birth, my biological daughter, Elettra, was 9. I wanted more kids, but I didn't have a husband or a companion at the time, and for years I wondered if I had the right to raise him without a father--until I decided it was better for him to have just a mother than to be an orphan.

As a single parent-to-be this has crossed my mind several times. I pray that my daughter doesn't someday hate me or regret that she wasn't adopted by the Smith's (fictional family) with their 1.5 kids, golden retriever, and 3 car garage. I can only be who I am--at this time a childless mother, but for her, a mother. I don't drive a fancy car, but it is paid off. I don't live in a big house--but it is comfortable and the neighborhood is nice. I don't have a husband--but I have great men in my life. I will give her everything that I can offer.

Ok, now I'm done with seriousness and if you are still reading, God Bless You! This is my longest post in a while, but something that I wanted to say.

I am an evil genius! I made mention of new PJs in the above monologue, and here is how I came into possession of these great new jammies. On the Sunday before Christmas my mom wanted to go to the mall to pick out a few things are Sarah. On my dear sister's list were PJs, which she seems to ask for every year. There were a number of really cute PJs but my mom and I disagreed over what we thought she would like. Mom wanted to buy something with snowflakes all over it and I wanted her to buy the turquise jammies with polka dot bottoms. I always pick out gifts for others that I like for myself. Of course, I always want to buy something that I think they will enjoy, but at least I am able to inject a bit of myself into the gift. Well, this is the first time it has really paid off. Sarah opened her Christmas gift and hated them. They were too long, she didn't like polka dots, whatever...she didn't want them. So as of yesterday I became the proud owner of new jammies. It may not seem like much, but mine were 3 years old and threadbare. These are winter jammies and designed to hold heat in so I should not get near as cold at night. Yippee!

My niece is now calling me Annie MooMoo (auntie em). It's so cute! This is the first time she has been able to call me by my name or come up with a name--everyone else is mama, daddy, oma and opa. My family nickname is Em, which is really better for little ones to try to pronounce. If you try to get a toddler to say "Erica" you hear some really interesting sound combinations. Hopefully Oma will send me yesterday's photos so I will have some to share with the rest of you!