In honor of completing my taxes...

It is Monday and I want to resume my "mama wants" section.  In honor of finally completing my taxes today, this is on my list:

Ok, I realize it is a bit tacky, but did you know you get $3,400 back when you have one dependent????  My baby will be rockin' a whole lot of cooler onesies than this if I get some sweet cash back. 

I have so many things I need, I sometimes forget about what I want.  What I really need is shoes.  Now that I am not traveling I will have the time to go to the gym after work.  Unfortunately, the tread is worn off my shoes which makes the gym track very slick.  Perhaps I will take the $21 from my state tax return and put it towards something pretty (insert sarcasm). 

Not a morning person

I am not a morning person.  I don't think it matters what side of the globe I wake up on, I will likely never be a morning person.  This weekend was an evil combination of not being a morning person, having to listen to a bunch of idiots run and scream up and down the hallway well past the 1 am, waking up coughing and wheezing because of the the amount of cigarette smoke and mold being vented around my room.  yeah, not a morning friendly weekend.  Thank God I didn't have to share a room with one of my colleagues--I would not have wished that on anyone. 

Last night the damn kids (and adults) were yelling up and down the hallway "I'm going to the pool?  You coming?"  I was ready to scream back at them "NOOOOO, I'm not so shut up!"  Alas, they weren't speaking to me.

Last night I spent most of the evening hanging with my two best buds from work.  I hung out in Ricci's room until midnight since she didn't seem to have as a high a mold count as my room.  As I was trying to sneak quietly back to my room, I admit, I got a little scared.  The hallways were dark (because the lights are burned out) and several of the rooms had their doors propped open with towels or underwear (yes, underwear).  I was lost because there are no signs and the hotel had several different wings.  As I was going past one propped open door I heard one guy say "get you ass over here!  Somebody needs a spanking."  Honestly, the music from the movie Deliverance started going through my head. 

And because I got lost I had to walk past that room twice.  Isn't it amazing that I am exposed to more hillbilly culture traveling to the Indiana/Kentucky state line than actually going south? 

We stopped at one local restaurant on Friday for lunch and the locals STARED.  It will pretty obvious that they had us pegged as NOT LOCAL and all I can say is THANK GOD.  Yes, I realize that my attitude probably sounds rather harsh, but I'll be honest, I grew up in an area pretty similar to that.  Not a good place to live for a girl who's heart has always been in China and not in manure.  Without looking I can identify cow, pig, and horse manure on smell alone.  I can look at and smell corn and know when it is time to harvest and I know that you never shake hands with a man wearing bib overalls and "dirt" under his nails.  Hint: the dirt isn't dirt, it's manure.

I finally figured out at 1:30 AM (after listening to doors slam and people running and yelling up and down the hall) that my best course of action would be to turn the air/heat unit all the way to fan and blast it on high.  It sounded like a jet engine taking off and was just the kind of white noise I needed to block out the other noises.  It was so loud that I didn't hear my alarm when it went off. 

I got some passive-aggressive revenge this morning.  At 7 AM, Ricci and walked through the now deserted and quiet hallway talking in our "outside voice" about going to the pool.  All the way up and down and hallway and when I left, I slammed the door hard enough to make the wall shake.  I know it's not productive, but boy did it feel good. 

You know it's a bad hotel when even the hotel staff know not to ask how you are enjoying your stay.  And in case you are wondering about why I didn't get the hotel staff to intervene...I did.  Nothing happened.  The hotel was full and they couldn't care less.

But I don't want to end this on a negative note, because I actually had a good time--I just hated the hotel and as I said, I'm an absolute bear when I don't get enough sleep and am forced to sleep in a room that causes me to feel that ill.  I still have hives, but hopefully I don't pick up anything else (like bed bugs or plantar warts).

The conference was good, I had a good time with my colleagues and evidently my new nickname is Chuckles.  Yeah, Jason felt that was appropriate.  I have to be honest, I tend to "perform" when I am in a group of people and because I was under-slept and over-caffeinated it made me even sharper.  I really enjoyed bonding with some of my colleagues and spending time with them.  This time together does create team building--much needed in my department! 

This hotel sucks!

I am once again on the road. I rode down with a couple of friends/colleagues from work and we had a great time together. The conference is interesting, but at this point, over my head. Fortunately there are a lot of novices here and I hope to get a better understanding as we progress so that I can sit for the certification exam (several years down the road).

We are staying at a Holiday Inn with a water park. As a result, this room is moldy as hell. Unfortunately that just happens to be my worst allergy (well, it probably ties with feathers--also a medieval allergy). So, I get to this incredibly crappy room, at the end of a very long hallway, where a bunch of young people are staying (did I mention they have a huge indoor pool area???) and I immediately start reacting. My eyes start twitching, I start getting the drainage down the back of the throat, coughing, sneezing, and my personal favorite--hives. I currently have hives on my face. After 15 minutes of trying to tough it out I call to the front desk and explain the problem. Evidently they are completely booked because of this conference and the best they can offer is an ozone (?) machine. So, they supposedly sucked out the allergens in 15 minutes. What I think they really did was put a big fan in here for a few minutes and spray some room deoderizer. I only have enough allergy medication to get me through the weekend; I didn't break any extra doses.

This sucks. So, if my airway becomes impaired I will just wheel my crap to the front desk and sleep on the couch. That should encourage them to find me a new room. In the meantime, do you know color concealer would cover up the pink hives?

Hit reset

My mom is so awesome.  She read my last post and left a comment telling me to wash the chicken.  To be honest, I normally do but I was so grossed out by the texture the only thing that got washed was my hands. 

Do you ever have those moments where you feel bored and restless and kind of weird all at once?  I seem to get like this whenever I need to go somewhere or get stuff done and am procrastinating.  In this case, I am leaving tomorrow morning, once again, for another conference.  Fortunately, I will be back Sunday evening. I will be going with some colleagues from work.  Also fortunate, the people I am driving down with have become good buds of mine.  We all volunteered to work a night shift together in December and are all a bit quirky.  I guess that is why we are traveling in a separate vehicle from everyone else. 

I have been so unmotivated to do anything.  Some of it is due to having this nasty respiratory bug the last 3 weeks, being tired and all the travel I have done over the last few weeks/months.  I am just tired.  All I want to do is sit and crochet baby blankets for hours on end.  Seriously, that is how I learned to "knock" myself out when I am stressed.  My house is a disaster and strange as it may sound, it smells like bad chicken in here (I forgot to take the trash out last night).  I have clumps of cat hair all over the house, newspapers strewn across the kitchen table, dirty dishes that have sat on the counter since the weekend.  Ugh.  And I still have not completed my taxes. 

I feel like I just need to take some time off, but because I lost all my maternity leave when I lost my job last year (they cashed out my measly 3 weeks of PTO, but kept my 6 weeks of sick time) I feel like I can't afford to do so.  I would really like to have at least 6 weeks saved up for maternity leave and because this job accrues PTO so slowly, I'm afraid to take time off.  Even if I don't take another day paid day off this year I will only have 5 weeks saved.  I know that probably sounds awesome to you, but I'd like to have a cushion in the event I get sick or I seriously need a vacation. 

Anyway, that's the mess that's working through my head today.  I'm tired, my jeans suddenly feel snug and I am probably about to come face-to-face with some aggressive PMS. 

Can I just hit reset and start over next week?

Motherhood

Do you ever have those moments when you think you are going to suck at motherhood?  I do.  Every time I look around my messy house I think my poor kid is going to think cat hair covering everything is the norm. 

And at what point do I graduate from calling my mom for stupid stuff?  Ok, I have a great example but you guys are going to think I'm gross, but I promise I haven't gotten food poisoning yet.  So, on Saturday early afternoon I pull a pound of chicken out of the freezer and set it on the counter.  I totally forget about it until the next morning, and yes, it is still cold.  I put it back in the fridge, but I didn't get around to cooking it up.  Until today.  I pulled it out and it still looked good.  I opened up the package and sniffed vigorously--still smelled good.  I sliced it up to throw in the pan and noticed that it was very sticky.  Tacky even.  I will admit, I debated calling my mom and asking if it was ok.  I knew she would ask about the smell and color and both were ok.  I said a prayer and decided to fix it up anyway (give me a break, I don't have any groceries and I am way too tired to go to the store tonight).  I tasted a bit of it and it tasted fine, but I decided to season it with a packet of Taco season just to be sure.  It's been a couple of hours and I'm still ok. 

My mom always thawed food out on the counter overnight and none of us ever got sick.  As a nurse, pizza would often sit out for over 12 hours and we would still eat it and not get sick.  I'm not saying people shouldn't be careful, but I do think our country has gotten a bit too germophobic in recent years.  Part of the reason we now have these resistant super-bugs is because of our almost maniacal desire to kill every little living bug and we take antibiotics every time we get the sniffles (for the record, sniffles and colds are generally viruses and are NOT sensitive to antibiotics--they are only good for bacteria). 

I am sure I will probably become a freak about the food once my kid comes home, but until then I am giving my immune system a work out and debating whether I should call my mom or not.

My baby's daddy

I've been having these wacky dreams lately that I am pregnant...and adopting.  While I think I can handle one child, I don't think I could possibly have one child and be pregnant and doing it alone.  So, I have to look at my options.  Short of hog-tying a hottie or going the frozen turkey baster route, I need a plan that is infallible. 

So, as you saw from my previous post I have become exploring my options.  If Vladmir or Dimitry looked anything like this guy I would certainly give it some serious thought, but alas, he/they don't. 

So, I'm moving on to the next phase of finding my baby daddy.  Michael was nice enough to point me in this direction:

Hot Prison Pals

That's right...they are one of the last explored frontiers.  And I think I'm feeling something already.  Check out Roger's profile:

ROGER

HOT

I stand 6'2" and weigh 210 solid Muscular pounds. I work out daily and try to take care of my health. I am currently locked up in Montana for possession and robbery. When I was arrested, I was a C.N.A. entering medical school for my P.A. License, now I spend my time studying Psychology and am considering a degree there. I also play guitar, sing, and draw. My artwork has done well over the last few years, and I actually make a living off it. Maybe if I hear from you....I will send you something. I know in my picture I look like a tough guy....but inside...I'm a TEDDY BEAR. I am looking for a Woman to build a friendship with, so if you enjoy hitting the gym, or even quiet nights at home...drop me a line and say HI!
Date of Birth : 1/11/74
Date of Release : 8/2010

I really think it might work.  After all, his release date is hopefully around the time MayLing comes home.  He can be a daddy to her and help make a little brother or sister for her. 

Of course, I feel all tingly when I look at Dale's profile also.

Inmate Ad:

Hello, My name is Dale. I am a 37 year old man currently incarcerated in XXXXXX Correctional Center, Illinois.  Prior to incarceration, I owned my own construction business.  So my finances here well in order.  

My interests are horseback riding, camping, working out and long evenings by the fireplace.

I am looking for a sincere, warm caring woman, to share my hopes, dreams and interests with.  Write me and share yours with me.!

P.S. I love a country girl at heart and please send me a picture. Your truly, Dale

 

...and let's not forget Brent.

 BRENT

HOT

Hi...my name is Brent and I am 27 years old, with brown hair and blue eyes and from Michigan.  I'm open minded....believe life is what we
make of it....trust in God.....cherish friendship and family....enjoy music... having a good time....and learning from my mistakes.  I'm
looking to get to know you, to share with each other , our ups and downs, with trust and truth.

Date of Birth:11/13/80
Date  of Release : 2010

I do like younger men and I certainly would like my baby's daddy to be a Christian.

So, what do you think? Do you think any of these guys could use a little mama lovin?

**Disclaimer: this is only a joke! I do not want any of these guys contacting me.

Mail order male?

So, I was talking to Kristen tonight and we started discussing mail order husbands.  I wasn't sure they existed so I had to Google and sure enough, they do.  There are some rough looking fellas on there, mostly from the Ukraine.  If that is what they are offering, I thought I'd look into what the women were offering and this is what I found:

The Lonely American

General Information:

I do not like children. There was a slight mishap in my
last job, and let's just say that I had to spend a few
nights in jail. My addiction to pain killers only makes me
more laid back. I like to play my french horn at 2-4 a.m.,
weekdays. Can I play your french horn? Some people say
that I'm a bit "roudy" but the truth is, I just like jogging
naked. My last boyfriend was so ashamed of this habit that
he bought me a tredmill so I could do it inside.

Apperance:

I have a nice body with lots of brown moles. I do not shave
or use deoderant because they use animal oils. Small
patches of hair. Two tattoos (I'll tell you where they're
located in the letters). Both are names of ex-lovers. I
cannot remove them, otherwise I would. I weigh 150 pounds
on Mars. I wear a 36 DD cup bra.

Looking for:

I'm looking for an open-minded man. Someone who can accept
my genital warts. Appearance is not important. Maybe
someone that's hairy...short...sexy.

 

And here is what the men are offering:

General Information:

Hallo! My name Vladimir and man of 18 years. I have wife but
do not love her. I have child in secondary school 1 girl my
wife making me stay home feed child. I would like to leave
her very much so and find sexful lady. I enjoy to buke and
trampoline much and very hard to. Father being Starshina in
CCCP Red Army but they shoot for he being looting after
Ukraine indepent. I come from military family but no
military I am peace and love all the way hey! USA!

Apperance:

Before I lose hair it of sexy style. I dress prefessional in
week and "letting lose" on weekend to be sexy for dance
party in disco club. I want to dance with goodest dancer in
USA. Good are you?

Looking for:

You see I need sexful lady with romance in life and living.
I am young live fast I need fast lady to keep up with my
speedy. Must be very slim under 45 kilogram. Blonder hair
better being I see blonde is sexful and full of romantic. I
like personality to maybe you like my personality and we
"hitting it off" as say in USA!

Or how about this lovely:

General Information:

I am a retired millitary officer. I like fishing and sport
most of all.

Apperance:

I am calm and tempered man. I have two daughters but they
live together with their mother.

Looking for:

I want to meet a sexy, pretty, tall, non-smoking, not fat,
honest, clever, with a sense of humor, neat lady who wants
to become ideal and want to create a good family.

 

You know, being single is actually pretty good.  Most days I wouldn't trade it for all the Vladmirs in the world!